Please forgive my long-windedness, I have a lot to get of my shoulders.
This self-hatred stayed with me into my teenage years, where it tamed, but morphed into a preoccupation with my own. Fortunately, I had cobbled together a set of high school friends that, with regular conversation and contact, helped me keep a certain degree of normalcy through those years.
That normalcy was shattered when I came to university. I didn't have any friends to lean on, so I found myself alone and isolated. The anguish that lay in the background of my life leaped forward and subdued my mind and heart. Fortunately, I never executed any of them. I still can't decide if it was out of cowardice or laziness.
In school, my grades tanked and my parents were on my case. They noticed something was wrong, but I don't think they ever caught on to what was happening. In the following year, I managed to keep passable grades. However, my depression persisted. There wasn't any major change until I became involved in time management and productivity blogs and websites. Then I began to reflect on how I spent my time and conducted my life up until that point. I came to understand that my life moved forward in peaks and troughs, where my long drawn out periods of depression (troughs) were punctuated by brief periods of contentment and slight elation (peaks). This put the pessimism on happiness I used to have in perspective. After all, what was the point of happiness if it was always the prelude to depression? I also noticed compulsions to avoid stressful work and indulge in meaningless tasks like fiddling with the computer or watching the anime I had been meaning to finish, activities that wouldn't dig a deeper trough. I also observed that during my previous years, I was searching for "the fix," having the girlfriend, the passion, or the healthy social life that would bring about the long-term happiness that eluded me.
With this new knowledge, I concluded that the way out of this would be to better manage my time, keeping my troughs under control and do well in school, being the ideal student I always wanted to be, but was always hindered by my depression. I believed that when I performed better at what mattered to me, my pain would vapourize and all else would fall into place. I viewed depression as a trial everyone had to deal with and overcome, I believed my problem was that I didn't have the skills, tools, or know-how to overcome it.
After my realizations, my grades improved and I felt happier, but my life was still bound by peaks and troughs. No matter how happy I would get, a period of depression, no matter how mild, was ahead. I continued to live my live like this until recently.
A few weeks ago, I was managing well through a particularly demanding exam period, until my suicidal thoughts returned with a vigour they hadn't had in years. I panicked. I didn't know what to do with myself. I spent idle time completely tense, compulsively biting my lower lip as I worried. After days of this, I contacted my university's student counselling service and arranged an appointment. After the preliminary evaluation over the phone, the gentleman I was talking to suspected I had chronic depression, and arranged a face-to-face appointment for mid-January.
The phone call made me feel like I am on the right path, that talking to an expert was the right step. But recently, I feel myself sinking in another trough. Thoughts of and misery are beginning to overtake me. I feel that I am alone and vulnerable until my appointment in mid-January. My back is against the wall and I can't run away by reaching for a quick fix, distracting myself, or just focusing on my work. I now know none of that will save me. The reality of my depression is staring me in the face. I'm so scared, I don't know what's going to happen or what I'll do with myself.
What do I do?
I am sorry but we can't discuss suicide on this forum. Thanks for understanding. Hugs, Karen
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/25/2010 10:01:21 AM (GMT-7)