I don't know if I should post this here or in the bipolar forum, but since I'm here & I need to vent here goes. I'm bipolar mixed and my husband and I are both recovering addicts/alcoholics.
He has chronic back pain among other series health issues (I'll try to stay focused on the back problems). After 2 fusion surgeries he still has days he just cannot get off of the couch and I am practically carrying him to the bathroom. He's on 60mg morphine 3x day and 30 mg oxycodone 4x a day. Both pretty high doses but he's been on these meds for most of the 5 years The doc is now looking at at inserting a med pump. It's not the best solution, but it's to the point of anything to take away some of the pain and hopefully reducing the amount of meds. He has a tolerance built up to these meds and up until about 2 weeks ago he was perfectly fine when he took them. Now when I give them to him there is about a 50/50 chance that he is going to have an almost stoned kind of reaction. He starts slurring, wobbling if he tries to walk, he'll insist on eating but spills everywhere. He scares me to death smoking so I lock all cigarettes in the safe with all of the meds. The doctors haven't changed anything so they're as lost as I am as to why this started happening. I'm afraid to leave the house and afraid to go to sleep. The night before Thanksgiving he fell in the middle of the night in the bathroom and broke a rib.
I am SOOO frustrated and tired. Today he was a little off when he got up, but he showered and shaved without needing me so I thought we were okay to go to my mom's for the morning. The first 15 minutes or so were good. After that not so much. He nodded out in the den (at least he was with us) but he still wanted my attention. I took care of him the best I could, and made sure his sugar levels were okay and they were. Mom wanted to wait on everything until he was okay, but I wouldn't let her. I had to explain these spells can last from 5 minutes to 5 hours, and there was no point in waiting. I pasted a smile on my face and went on like nothing was wrong. Why ruin everybody elsess day, and why make everybody worry about me. We had breakfast and opened presents and he only stirred once for about a minute. Even getting him in the car was a project dad and my little brother practically carried him.
Now we're home and the plan was for he and I to have a nice quiet evening. I'm still going to make ham and all of the fixings because I know cooking relaxes me and hopefully it'll get me out of my head. I'm almost dreading my sweetie waking up because I don't know which person I'll get to spend time with tonight. I want to be with the sweet, caring husband I know that makes me laugh and loves me and understands me better than anybody ever has. I'm not angry at him which is a plus. There are days when the stress and the bipolar and frustration come out directed out him and I know that's not fair. Really trying to not let that happen today.
To top it off (and then I'll stop I know this is getting long), my ex sister-in-law called. I've been divorced for 5 years and started getting sober the day I left. My ex-husband committted suicide November 12,2010, and that was the first contact I have had with his family in some time. If I knew who it was on the phone today I probably wouldn't have answered the phone, but I did. Now I can't seem to get him off of my mind. Even though he was an abusive alcoholic we spent 15 years together and my brain wants to focus on the good times we had.
I think I need to just scream or cry. Either one would do right now, but I'm if I start crying I won't stop until I'm back in the hospital.. I'm in the process of changing therapists but until then it's nice to know that I have a place to go and vent.
Merry Christmas and thanks for listening.