Most of my life I've been depressed, or at least as far back as I could recall. Sometimes the medications work - other times I barely "get by", but those feelings of insanity are always there - stagnatly idle, awaiting any slight trigger to set it off. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the age of 26 (ten years ago), then un-diagnosed, then diagnosed, un-diagnosed and so on and so on. For the past few years I've been "undiagnosed" and mis-diagnosed numerous times. As it stands right now, I've been newly diagnosed with Depression and PTSD - NOT Bipolar Disorder, though it's what I've been treated almost a decade for. I've bounced on and off of an array of medications with mild to severe side-effects, i.e. rash, hives, loss of coordination, feeling, worse depression, and so forth. This vicious cycle has gotten the best of me....it's only taken a decade or so, but it's won. I was again placed on a new medication yesterday for depression, combined with other medications - which now leave me in an almost semi-comotose state. Well, maybe not THAT severe, but I clearly feel drowsy and tired ALL the time, and I hate it. I once was so active and alive, and now I see myself deteriorating (mentally and physically) daily, which of course depresses me even more so. I'm not the type of person who doesn't try to better my condition; my life - I've tried everything. I come from a long family history of bipolar, depression, OCD, EID (explosive intermittant disorder) and so forth; I never stood a chance. I suffer from insomnia, and it worsens during the long winter months. My PTSD (triggered by a traumatic childhood incident(s)) plays a huge role.
All in all, I know I'm depressed, and I want to pull myself out of it so badly, yet I can't. I have friends and family members that I could talk to, but I can't bring myself to do it. I sick and tired of being sick and tired. My relationship with my spouse is horrid. He's selfish, arrogant, judgmental, and cares only about himself and HIS feelings. Maybe I brought this on. God knows I've spewed some pretty evil things out of this uncontrollable mouth - yet, I feel he should have been strong enough to help me, not hurt me worse than I was. I have no support. I have two beautiful daughters, but I refuse to talk to them about my mental issues; I'm supposed to be the strong one. Also, knowing my past history, one would think I would want better for myself and my health, but the same destructive, unhealthy choices I made back then, are the same choices I continue to make. I could just disappear into a deep dark hole and stay there forever or until my mind takes back control of this vicious disease.