my life, my fight, my pain

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worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 1/7/2011 1:15 PM (GMT -6)   
i put this post on the hepatitis thread and thought i would share my story with you guys.  it may explain why i feel some of the way i do, and also i think explains who i am today and what i have been through. you guys are my friends and i want to share the story for the first time with you guys.
 
 
my mom was an alcoholic and addicted to drugs from since before i was born. i was raised by my grandma until i was 8 and then i went to live with my mom. when i lived with my gma i saw my mom whenever she could come and wasnt high or drunk. she would stay awhile then leave and i would cry not understanding why my mom was leaving. sometimes i would wrap my body around her when i slept hoping that if she went to leave i would wake up and she would stay yet it never worked. as a baby i didnt understand why i would watch for her and she not come and i didnt understand what i was feeling. when i was in elementary school i was now thinking of my gma as my mom and my mom just as a person who came to visit. i once had an ear infection while with my mom and my gma came to pick me up and my mom offered me to stay with her and miss school but i chose to go with my gma and go to school after the doctors which hurt my mom. t he next day she called for my gma but hung up on me when she wasnt there. it hurt, so i asked her about it and she said the phone hung up on her end but i didnt believe that. when i was 8 she cleaned up and decided to put me and my sister first. i had to leave my gma and go live with my mom which i didnt want to. i didnt trust her and i didnt want to be with her. i loved her but i wanted my stability and i was afraid she would hurt me.
 
for 7 or 8 years she stayed clean and she was the best mom that i could hope for. she took us places, made us good food, bought what we could ever imagine that we needed. made sure we were housed and that our grades were good. she taught us values and about boys that we needed to watch out for. she was everything that i hoped for in a mother. yes when she was drunk she loved us but not like she did sober. she put us first. made sure no men hurt us in fact she put her love life on hold to make sure we were safe.she made sure we had a room which meant her sleeping on the couch or in bed with me or my sister. so when i was sixteen i got a job and bought her a bed that she could sleep on for t he first time in 8 years. i loved that woman.
 
when i was 17 she started drinking and doing crack and then she started stealing money from me and jewelry. i didnt see it at first but then i did. so i was crushed. i had went to florida with my husband, then boyfriend, to meet  his dad and when i came back she and my sister  had fled to athens to escape drug dealers. she would deny it but we all heard the stories. i moved in with my gma again and finished high school. my mom had come back a couple months later and she still was hooked on alcohol and drugs. after my grandparents died she went into a deeper depression and started doing drugs and alcohol heavier. she stole my hubbys car and left a crackpipe in it and when hubby found it he forbade her from coming into our house. when he gave her another chance years later she got drunk and even snuck some alcohol in my car while driving. i had it then. we got into a huge fight and i told her that if she was drunk whenever i was around i would leave and not see her until she was sober.
she got so bad she lost her job and was homeless. she did get other jobs but she was getting sicker. so finally after years of trying to quit, several rehabs and several times in maryhaven she was diagnosed with bipolar and they put her on antidepressants and she started to quit the drugs and alcohol. but by then she was sick. she couldnt keep a job and she was diagnosed with hep c and cirrhosis of the liver and the rest you know.
 
as the kid of the alcoholic i felt hurt and unloved, betrayed, felt like it was my fault. i was in the middle of it between her and my hubby. yet i seen the good part of her and that is what i held onto the years that she was bad. i never did trust her again, i limited my time and my kids time around her. she never got to keep my daughter overnight or do the things alot of gma's do but i loved my mom very much. i held onto the good mom or i would have gone insane. i often wondered if i made her who she was but i know in my heart i couldnt have. alot of people told me over the years i should have walked away but no one could understand the pain and heartache we go through yet the love we  have. when you are not in our shoes its hard to understand why we stay and why we keep going through the life but its because we know the person they are before the disease, we have seen what they could be and what they once were and we keep hoping that our love would change them.
 
it took me a long time to understand that i couldnt change my mom, no matter how much i tried or loved her, unless she wanted to change herself. and even her wanting to change couldnt work unless she had the willpower and the determination and help to do so. when my mom was sober she had a contagious laugh and could make you laugh on a whim. she was funny, smart, beautiful and loving. the disease, the addiction made her an ugly person and mean but even when she was addicted she never stopped loving us and was always there for us no matter how drunk or high she was. she did preach to us never to get addicted like she did. so please dont think that we could have made them change and we could have helped them because believe me we tried to help them, tried to make them quit and in the end had to make the decision whether to continue to be there for them or walk away. and believe me both decisions are t he hardest decisions you could ever think of. i chose to stay because i knew i would feel guilty for walking away and i wanted no regrets. i also knew from experience that people can quit. my gpa was alcoholic for 30 years and quit one day because of doctors saying if he didnt quit he would kill my gma who was a diabetic and his love for her was soo strong that he quit. so i knew change was possible it was only waiting for it to happen.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 1/7/2011 2:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Sweetie,

When drugs and alcohol take over, some people want to quit, but they can't. The addiction is too strong. I know your mother loved you with all her heart. She couldn't help what she did. My mother was alcoholic too. I, the same as you, just thought of her as the dark haired lady that came to see me. I didn't realizse was my mother either as I lived with my grandmother too. My mom was put in a mental institution where she had my little sister and I didn't meet her until I was like 33. I had a lot of anger towards my mother at one time, but I have tried to put it behind me.

You have fond memories of your mother when she was sober. Hang on to them with all your might. Put the bad behind you and know that she was only being human as we all are. She loved you and that is what matters.

My sister was an alcoholic and died at 46. She was the sweetest person when she was sober, but mean when she drank. It was so sad.

You did a huge thing by staying with your mom. You let your heart guide you and I think it was the right thing to do. I chose to stay away from my mom after I got older. It was too hard and effecting my health.

Worriedgirl, you are a wonderful, kind, compassionate person. And I am glad that I know you here on the forum. Don't ever change.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

worriedgirl
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 1/7/2011 2:51 PM (GMT -6)   
i am learning karen to keep ahold of the good memories. i only shared the bad so you guys can see why i am who i am today. i think it shaped me into who i am today good or bad. i learned alot from her but in different ways then most kids do. i loved her and i know she loved me and thats what i hold onto.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 1/7/2011 3:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that you have that to hold on to. Sometimes when things aren't so good, we learn and build character. You are one fine person and some of that had to come from your experiences with your mom. I am happy to have you on this forum. Know that you are valued here.

Hugs, Karen

And again, thanks for sharing, it couldn't have been easy.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

whitebutterfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 111
   Posted 1/7/2011 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   
oh sweetz, I feel for you. So much. Know that you have my back always, ok? :-)

with much compassionate hugs, arielle.
fly like a butterfly. free and happy. :-D

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, PTSD, bipolar disorder.
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