Where do I begin? I have always had trouble facing my depression; I never wanted to seem weak. Instead of seeking help for my symptoms, I have always shoved them down. You know the proverbial explosion process that one undergoes when they keep ignoring their personal issues? Shortly, I am afraid that will be me. This may be a long post.
I haven't been employed in seven months. I graduated from college about a month ago. Yay, right? Wrong! I thought I would graduate and everything would fall into place, but despite my strongest efforts, I have had absolutely no luck on the job front. My lack of employment makes me feel useless.
about a year ago, I moved back in with my parents because I had gotten pregnant. I decided to keep my baby, but the father decided to jump ship and continue with his life. Because of my unemployment, my parents have had to provide every expense--gas, food, child care, insurance, phone bill, you name it. On top of my feeling that I am useless, it seems as if my family has adopted that outlook as well. They tell me every move to make. They tell me when to eat, that I need to do this with the baby, do that with the baby. I feel as if they think I am incapable of taking care of myself and most certainly incapable of taking care of my child. This issue has gotten to the point that I ask my mom (not sarcastically) to leave the house. I ask her every opinion, because I am afraid of messing up. This thought goes through my head daily, "I am an unemployed single parent living with my parents. I am dependent. I am a loser."
I watch the people who used to be my friend go on with their lives. They are getting married, getting jobs, moving away from our hometown (a place I have always wanted to leave but inevitably get sucked back in to), going to grad school, pursuing their dreams. I feel like every day is a fight to keep my nose above the water--like there is supposed to be more to my life than this, but I can't get it, and I don't know why.
I used to have talent. Lately, I seem to have none. I have no motivation, and I feel my talent, my intelligence, my brain is slowly evaporating. I want friends, but I'm starting to become socially awkward. I don't know how to talk to people, and if I am approached by someone I look like an idiot because I am so scared. I don't want to leave my house (yet I am dying to). What do I do? Is this just self-pity? How do you distinguish between pity and depression?