Posted 1/14/2011 4:12 AM (GMT -6)
Thank-you Karen for your words of encouragement and forgiveness, I feel like such a "heel" about getting into so much trouble. I knew the grief would eventually hit, but I never imagined it would take this avenue. Then the med changes (two in two months), leave me reeling. Finally; being denied my meds that were a miracle (cymbalta)), which actually did help me; well that just made me plain livid. Over the top w. anger. I shoplifted from a big chain store and got caught, 3 times. One floorwalker said "maybe you will aquire a conscience". I have a conscience. I am forever giving and helping out the "little guys" of the world. I had something stolen from me, by the "powers that be" and I guess I felt I had to get back at em. I have been living without for so long, inedible foodbank food which makes me sick sometimes; living on under $1000. a month (rent is $550. and about to go up as power rates just went up 27%. My Dad died because he was denied treatment and left w/o food and almost no fluids for 18 days before I was able to get the story out in the media. Yup, I am angry. All I have are my two dogs and the dog catcher gets called about five times a month. A neighbor across the street apparently doesn't approve of my lifestyle. Like I chose it, eh? about 1200 piled up in fines over the dogs. Them telling me I have to get rid of 1 of my dogs. The dogs are what keeps me going. Chronic widespread pain (Fibro), which was abated when I had the proper meds; now denied. The floorwalker also said "it looked like you were trying to get caught". I probably was. Now i have a host of court appearances, pending. I am Bi-polar: went on a spree. Mad am I. Anyway; it appears I must have been in shock for a long time and then started to let reality set in. Incredible emotional pain and guilt over Dad. I miss him terribly. Have to stop now as I am beginning to tear up and have to pull it together as I see Family GP this morning. I have to look together or she'll deny my medicine if I appear rattled. Then I will be done for. Hurting all the time. Inside and out. Cannot face anybody with the truth. Thank-you for being there.