I came to this forum because I don't feel that I have a soul in the world to let know about the issues I face, my feelings, and my past. I'd like to talk to a friend but I don't have anyone close enough or who would be there for me to lend some non-biased advice.
In 2009, I became extremely depressed and anxious. It started when I broke up with the (then) love of my life and moved from a stressful living situation back home to an even more stressful, abusive, hostile family environment. I can't stand my father and the drama that goes around my house so I just stayed up in my room. I became overwhelmed with stress and loneliness and began to have panic attacks, hallucination, and lost a lot of my hair. I wanted so badly to commit suicide, this is NOT me. I went to a wilderness therapy program and then an in-patient facility...the wilderness program changed my life and I shed my depression and anxiety for the most part.
I've lived at home the last semester, managed to hold a job and do well in school at community college. I've been able to keep my head up to this point but home life and old habbits have been bringing me way way down and I feel myself drowning back to where I was two years ago. I feel my heart breaking and myself shutting down again (and school starts on Tuesday). My main problems are: 1) living at home with an abusive family 2) sleeping with a jerk to get away from them and fill the void of having no friends. 3) I feel stuck. I want to move away or at least out of the house but it would be financially strenuous (perhaps it would be worth it).
1) I need some advice on what to do. My father is a complete a**hole. He is bi-polar, an alcoholic, and in many ways he shows signs of asburgers. He is manipulative, passive aggressive, defensive, and socially retarded. I used to have such a strong bond with him as a child, despite his many issues (including cheating on my mom for 10 years behind her back). As I grew up I saw his true colors and all we do is scream at one another. He makes me sick to be in the same room as him. Even a simple "what are you doing?" will be met with condescending belligerence and me crying silently in my room. My mom and I used to have a better relationship, but something has changed recently and I don't feel close to her. It disgusts me that she takes my father's side.
2) I feel so alone. I don't feel that I have a solid friend base and that kills me. To fill the void, I've been sleeping with this guy for 2 years. On some level we have an emotional connection, but for the most part I fool myself into thinking its okay only to cry myself to sleep in the bed next to him with disappointment and heartbreak. He won't date me and I don't actually want to date him. He slashed my tire, left me at the bar, has shown too many signs that he's in no way the guy for me...yet I can't quit seeing him.
3) I feel stuck. I think I make about $800 a month at my job which isn't enough to support myself with cost of living the way it is and save up to move to LA which I'd like to do. I have money saved up for college which I could use for rent money but I'd rather not. School starts on Tuesday if I stay and go to school here or the 2nd week of February in LA. Is it too rash of me to pick up everything and move to another state (I have a few friends there, not many). I'd be escaping so much of what makes me unhappy here, but I'm afraid I'd be even more lonely and unhappy there.
I feel paralyzed and could use a rational voice to help me sort out what's going on. I feel miserable and unfulfilled about my life. I don't want to live this way, can anyone help me sort things out?
Thank you so much.