Don't want to end up in the hole I was in, again.

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New Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/14/2011 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
I came to this forum because I don't feel that I have a soul in the world to let know about the issues I face, my feelings, and my past. I'd like to talk to a friend but I don't have anyone close enough or who would be there for me to lend some non-biased advice.

In 2009, I became extremely depressed and anxious. It started when I broke up with the (then) love of my life and moved from a stressful living situation back home to an even more stressful, abusive, hostile family environment. I can't stand my father and the drama that goes around my house so I just stayed up in my room. I became overwhelmed with stress and loneliness and began to have panic attacks, hallucination, and lost a lot of my hair. I wanted so badly to commit suicide, this is NOT me. I went to a wilderness therapy program and then an in-patient facility...the wilderness program changed my life and I shed my depression and anxiety for the most part.

I've lived at home the last semester, managed to hold a job and do well in school at community college. I've been able to keep my head up to this point but home life and old habbits have been bringing me way way down and I feel myself drowning back to where I was two years ago. I feel my heart breaking and myself shutting down again (and school starts on Tuesday). My main problems are: 1) living at home with an abusive family 2) sleeping with a jerk to get away from them and fill the void of having no friends. 3) I feel stuck. I want to move away or at least out of the house but it would be financially strenuous (perhaps it would be worth it).

1) I need some advice on what to do. My father is a complete a**hole. He is bi-polar, an alcoholic, and in many ways he shows signs of asburgers. He is manipulative, passive aggressive, defensive, and socially retarded. I used to have such a strong bond with him as a child, despite his many issues (including cheating on my mom for 10 years behind her back). As I grew up I saw his true colors and all we do is scream at one another. He makes me sick to be in the same room as him. Even a simple "what are you doing?" will be met with condescending belligerence and me crying silently in my room. My mom and I used to have a better relationship, but something has changed recently and I don't feel close to her. It disgusts me that she takes my father's side.

2) I feel so alone. I don't feel that I have a solid friend base and that kills me. To fill the void, I've been sleeping with this guy for 2 years. On some level we have an emotional connection, but for the most part I fool myself into thinking its okay only to cry myself to sleep in the bed next to him with disappointment and heartbreak. He won't date me and I don't actually want to date him. He slashed my tire, left me at the bar, has shown too many signs that he's in no way the guy for me...yet I can't quit seeing him.

3) I feel stuck. I think I make about $800 a month at my job which isn't enough to support myself with cost of living the way it is and save up to move to LA which I'd like to do. I have money saved up for college which I could use for rent money but I'd rather not. School starts on Tuesday if I stay and go to school here or the 2nd week of February in LA. Is it too rash of me to pick up everything and move to another state (I have a few friends there, not many). I'd be escaping so much of what makes me unhappy here, but I'm afraid I'd be even more lonely and unhappy there.

I feel paralyzed and could use a rational voice to help me sort out what's going on. I feel miserable and unfulfilled about my life. I don't want to live this way, can anyone help me sort things out?

Thank you so much.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42201
   Posted 1/14/2011 7:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to the depression forum.

Is there anyway that you could room with somebody? That way you could probably afford to live away from home. You may be eligable for a grant then too which would pay for a lot of your college. Plus some money left over a lot of times. If you move out you could maybe get some public assistance form the department of human services. Anything would be better than the guy you are seeing and your home. I hate to call it your home because you are so unhappy there. I am sorry that your father is a total jerk. Try to avoid him as much as possible, ignore him if you have to. He isn't worth all the turmoil and drama it is causing you. I don't like drama either. No time for it. Life is tooooo short.

You sound like you are trying very hard. And this will get you some where. Once you start school it is going to be so much different. You should put up an ad for a roommate. I think that would work well for you. It can be a lot of fun especially if you become friends. Think about it.

Take care, I am so glad that you found us. Don't let this guy treat you badly anymore, you deserve better than that. I think you know that too. He is just dragging you down. You will be meeting new people soon in school. And I think you will make some good friends.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2010
Total Posts : 355
   Posted 1/14/2011 8:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Abex89

It sounds to me like you are in a rut, you can't get out and don't know how to. I guess that is probably something you already know.

The first thing I would do would be to ditch the jerk, you need to regain your self respect and dignity, he has taken that from you and you deserve far better than him.

Secondly, I would take Karen's advice and advertise for a roomate to share with, maybe even two roomates. Perhaps you could look at the community college noticeboard, I am sure there would be some adverts there.

Thirdly, in the meantime, stay right out of your father's way, he sounds like he is right off the planet and could become violent at any time.

You will make friends at college when you resume, there might be some study groups or other groups that you can join to make yourself known to others.  You have to kind of put yourself out there a bit more, I know it's hard but just give it a go.

I wish you the best of luck with your studies and your move to LA whenever that might happen.

Keep posting and let us know how you are going.

Kind regards

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