every day i wake up and ask myself if its real or if its just a dream... nothing feels real and i dont feel alive. i feel like an outsider and an alien to the people around me and i feel like most social situations are awkward.. and sometimes i avoid large crowds or groups of people because it makes me uncomfortable and i start to panic. i always feel like people are watching me so i feel compelled to rapidly look everywhere around me, usually without confirming my suspicions, although the feeling always comes back. i have a hard time sleeping because thoughts constantly race through my head.... i will toss and turn for hours and only get a couple hours worth of sleep per night. the sleep i do get results in shady dreams that i either remember vividly or not remember at all. i sometimes have dreams of seeing myself or other people dead, etc. i have struggled with since i was about
11 or 12 and i am almost 18 now. i have a strange relationship with numbers (even though this year in high school, i have 4 As, a B, and a D in math; i hate math! i dont understand one bit of it, but have no problem with the other subjects) and have always liked the number 7. when i i either make X's, or groups of 1, 3, or 7 if i feel especially stressed. 7 times in a row makes me feel like my bad luck will stop and good luck will result. other times i will cut a word into my skin just because of the powerful meaning associated with it, like "PAIN" or "LOVE". i have tried to count the number of on my thighs and arms but it is impossible because there are. i always told myself that i would grow out of it or be able to control it, but nothing has changed other than my ability to hide it well from others. i usually have to force myself to smile and act happy for friends and family, and the people who do know about
this side of me act completely appalled and surprised, even shocked. they say i seem like way too happy of a person to be doing what i do. this is probably because i sometimes have days where i feel very hyper and happy, even psyched about
life and everything. but other days i dont see a logical reason for living and always have recurring thoughts about
. if something makes me upset i usually hold it in and try to let it not affect me, until my boiling point is reached and i feel compelled to, which usually satisfies the urge for a few weeks until the .... i think its because, because dealing with physical pain is easier for me than dealing with emotional pain. and when the i want that feeling again. i am addicted to cigarettes, which ive been able to quit, unlike. to me, feels like an addiction worse than anything nicotine could give me. personally i dont see anything wrong with, but i do not like how i feel. what is wrong with me?
edit: sorry, i guess this was edited. i didnt know i wasnt allowed to say certain words, so they got removed. the removed words have to do with the act of physically hurting myself. sorry if this is also an inappropriate term? D':
Post Edited (JS3V3N) : 1/20/2011 7:49:02 PM (GMT-7)