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JS3V3N
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/20/2011 8:28 PM (GMT -6)   
just about every day i wake up and ask myself if its real or if its just a dream... nothing feels real and i dont feel alive. i feel like an outsider and an alien to the people around me and i feel like most social situations are awkward.. and sometimes i avoid large crowds or groups of people because it makes me uncomfortable and i start to panic. i always feel like people are watching me so i feel compelled to rapidly look everywhere around me, usually without confirming my suspicions, although the feeling always comes back. i have a hard time sleeping because thoughts constantly race through my head.... i will toss and turn for hours and only get a couple hours worth of sleep per night. the sleep i do get results in shady dreams that i either remember vividly or not remember at all. i sometimes have dreams of seeing myself or other people dead, etc. i have struggled with since i was about 11 or 12 and i am almost 18 now. i have a strange relationship with numbers (even though this year in high school, i have 4 As, a B, and a D in math; i hate math! i dont understand one bit of it, but have no problem with the other subjects) and have always liked the number 7. when i i either make X's, or groups of 1, 3, or 7 if i feel especially stressed. 7 times in a row makes me feel like my bad luck will stop and good luck will result. other times i will cut a word into my skin just because of the powerful meaning associated with it, like "PAIN" or "LOVE". i have tried to count the number of on my thighs and arms but it is impossible because there are. i always told myself that i would grow out of it or be able to control it, but nothing has changed other than my ability to hide it well from others. i usually have to force myself to smile and act happy for friends and family, and the people who do know about this side of me act completely appalled and surprised, even shocked. they say i seem like way too happy of a person to be doing what i do. this is probably because i sometimes have days where i feel very hyper and happy, even psyched about life and everything. but other days i dont see a logical reason for living and always have recurring thoughts about. if something makes me upset i usually hold it in and try to let it not affect me, until my boiling point is reached and i feel compelled to, which usually satisfies the urge for a few weeks until the .... i think its because, because dealing with physical pain is easier for me than dealing with emotional pain. and when the i want that feeling again. i am addicted to cigarettes, which ive been able to quit, unlike. to me, feels like an addiction worse than anything nicotine could give me. personally i dont see anything wrong with, but i do not like how i feel. what is wrong with me?

edit: sorry, i guess this was edited. i didnt know i wasnt allowed to say certain words, so they got removed. the removed words have to do with the act of physically hurting myself. sorry if this is also an inappropriate term? D':

Post Edited (JS3V3N) : 1/20/2011 7:49:02 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 1/20/2011 8:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

Welcome to HealingWell. I have to tell you though that we are not allowed to discuss self harm or suicide on this forum, so I had to edit a lot out of your post. Here is a site that might help you if you want to stop.

http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html

I have never visited that site, so I can't tell you anything about it. But I think it has helped others.

I feel like you are struggling with your issues and I so wish we could help you but discussing it is against the rules. But any other issues that you have we can help you with. At least support you.

When you get the hyperness, do you get energy to do a lot? Energy that you don't have when you feel depressed? You could be manic, which means that you might be bipolar. Has anybody ever told you that you may be bipolar? A doctor or counselor? Speaking of that, do you see a counselor? It would be a great for of support.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

JS3V3N
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/20/2011 9:06 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you for the link... i will check it out. normally i am not so open about these problems and truthfully this is the first time i have put it all out there for people to see...

anyway, yeah, im usually pretty lethargic and lazy, but sometimes ill get a wave of hyperactivity that other people definitely notice, paired with me being completely silent and monotone on other days.... a family member once said something to me about bipolar but im not sure if its because he was talking about me or if it was just a coincidence... it was always stuck in my mind that he thinks im crazy, but its because hes crazy and i believe hes an undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.. but i just recently moved in with a different family member, and neither of them know about my problems.. ive tried to get the courage to tell a teacher or counselor but am afraid my parent(s) will be ashamed of me...

once a good friend that i thought i could trust, whom i told about my problem, told the school counselor and said she was worried about me and he made me show him my arms, said we could meet at least once a week to talk, (this was 3 years ago) but never called me down to his office to talk about it after that.... i see him all the time and hes never said anything else about it....

i just feel so trapped :(
thanks for your support

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 1/20/2011 9:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Maybe you should talk to him about it. Bring it up and let him know you want to talk. I am sure that he would help you. We have to seek out help, it doesn't always come to us. He may have gotten busy or forgotten. So try again.

Let us know how you are doing. We are here to support you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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