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doglover4
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/22/2011 5:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. I was so bad that I went to my dr. and asked her for a note. I had to take a few days off of work because I was on the verge of tears and could just not deal with everyday life. I have had depression for about 15 years now and it is as bad as it has ever been. I am married and have a stepdaughter that has recently come to live with us and I am having a real hard time with it. She was not getting along with her mother so came to live with us a year ago. She is 16. When she wanted to come live with us I didn'y really have a choice in the matter- what was I to do say no and loose my marriage. I know wish that I did. I don't know why I am having these feelings about her. I try to change but I find it almost impossible. I am totally stressed out all the time and everything she does and doesn't do drives me crazy. I am not sleeping, my relationship with my husband is not what it used to be. My husband is very patient and understanding but I wish she wasn.t here. Can anyone help me here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 1/22/2011 8:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Have you discussed the possibility of family counseling with your husband? Step-family relationships can be really hard & when you add on depression, I'm sure that must be close to impossible for you to manage. Maybe some new tools for all three of you would help everyone feel better about the whole thing. Your stepdaughter maybe needs to learn more appropriate/acceptable ways to express her feelings & build an independent identity. Your husband somehow needs to be able to support both his daughter & you (it sounds like that may be something he would be interested in doing anyways based on how highly you speak of him). And maybe there are a few things you could learn that would help you deal with the stress of everyday life, your job, your stepdaughter, your illness, and everything else.
Beyond that, it may be helpful for you to get an individual counselor who could focus on helping you with your depression. One tiny piece of advice that I have found helpful in the past is "change your language". Language is very, very powerful. It can influence the way we think and feel. By telling yourself & others -- OUT LOUD -- positive things about your stepdaughter (even if you don't believe them) it somehow rewires the brain to start accepting them as the truth. Don't make them outright lies like -- Susie Q is a Straight A student. But they should be positive in the sense of terms of endearment like -- I love Susie Q. Susie Q is my favorite stepdaughter (if she's the only one). Susie Q is my little angel. etc.
I thought it was so bizarre myself when I first started it. Everything came out sarcastic. But over time I really came to believe the statements I was making about people. As long as she is not abusive or physically dangerous or engaging in illegal activities, there is no harm in trying to change your thoughts/feelings about her. If she is engaging in illegal or antisocial activities, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about getting her help immediately. If he refuses, take steps to protect yourself. Otherwise, give the exercise a try & open up a dialogue with your DH about family counseling.
There is hope. It truly sounds like you want to change & that is half the battle. Hang in there & keep posting. The members here at HW are so wonderful. They have been a huge source of support for me.

peace,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/23/2011 7:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Doglover,

I am a dog lover too. I have two of them at this time. They are my lifeline.

I agree with Fances. It is hard with a stepchild. I had my step son for a while years back and it wasn't easy. But him and I did get along so it helped. Know that this wont be forever. That always helps.

Like Frances said, try to think positive about her. Don't let the downside get to you. Try talking with her about things on her mind. That is one thing that helps young adults at her age. I think you will find that you can get through to her and that you will eventually get along. Be the bigger person and see how it goes. You will get through this. I gaurentee that. It just takes time and patience. This is probably disrupting for her too. She just probably doens't know how to express herself.

I do recommend counseling for you at this time. You could use the extra support. Some direction on how to cope with this.

Take care, and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

doglover4
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/23/2011 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi this is Doglover here. I would like to thank you for your replies. I am going to counselling at this time but it doesn't seem to be helping. My step-daughter was going but has stopped. My husband has been really great through all of this but it must be extremely hard for him aswell. My stepdaughter and I do get along for the most part it is just since she has moved in that things have changed. I find it really hard to say positive things about her because right now I feel that there is none, but I guess that is my illness taking over. I do want to change this feeling and make the situation but for me it is really exhausting. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and having them move out but then I loose my husband. I guess when it comes down to it he would choose her over me. Blood is thicker than water. I know this is going to sound wierd but I have a severe case of cystic acne and when I have a breakout like right now it makes things ten times worse. I am going to see my dermatologist and maybe go on accutane again so that at least one thing is taken care of. Anyway keep replying to my posts, I love to here from people.

Thanks for your support

Doglover

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/23/2011 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Doglover,

Try to keep in mind that this is temporary and that you have the rest of your life with your husband. It is hard when anybody moves into our household as you are used to having things a certain way. You have to develope new patterns and different routines. But it will work out. Does she help around the house? Maybe you could give her some chores and she will feel like she is helping out. It is not always the case that the husband will choose the daughter over the wife, but hopefully it will never come to that. Just be patient and take it one day at a time. Try not to worry about the future or dwell on the past. I really do hope that this situation works out for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

doglover4
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/23/2011 12:47 PM (GMT -6)   
No she does not help around the house. My husband gives her $20 a week to keep her room clean. We used to give her an allowance for walking our dog everyday after school but we could not trust that she was doing that so we took that away from her. I don't believe anything she says because she is a compulsive lyer. We ask her to do her laundry and she puts on a load and then goes out. I think that she thought it would be alot different her because it was when she was here every second weekend. Her mother is not a very nice person. She has 4 children by 4 different fathers, my husband being the first. She gets pregnant gets rid of these men and then takes them to court for support. She is even collecting support from a guy that isn't even the father of the child. I think that my step-daughter growing up mostly with her mother is alot like her. She can't hold down a job because she can't be told anything and she is very lazy and my step-daughter is the same. My husband told me today that he thinks that she will finish highschool and then go back to live with her mother. The thing that bothers me the most is that we have turned our life upside down not only financially but emotionally and she doesn't appreciate anything we do. I know that I shouldn't expect thanks from a 16 year old but just to be pleasant and do the little things that we ask would be nice.



Doglover4

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/23/2011 1:34 PM (GMT -6)   
So you probably have her for another two years or so. Try to be her friend, but be assertive of what you need done and that there will be rules to follow. This isn't going to be easy. I am telling you the truth. But at sixteen, we think we know everything. No offense to teens. It is a really difficult age and a difficult age to deal with. Talk things over with your husband and agree to support eachother. You definately need support with this. If he isn't behind you, it can be miserable. Try most of all to keep an open mind with her and give her the benifit of a doubt in situations.

She could learn to trust you and that would be great. Being that she takes after her mother you can be a step ahead of her on her thinking and the way she looks at things. Try not to blame her, this was learned from her mother. You do have a challenge on your hands. And it is up to you whether you want to deal with this, it could be stressful especially if she has a bad attitude. But it is only a couple of years and if you can make it through, it will bring you and your husband closer together. Though you can choose to not get involved but still be there. Have you discussed your role in this with your husband? How much say you want to have in the matters, and I am sure that there are going to be some.

But like I say, try to keep an open mind with her. Remember her age, she is only sixteen. Young adults aren't very mature at that age. It is not only hard on you, but it must be hard on her too. She may feel her mom has abandoned her, or if she made the decision, she could be taking advantage of what she expects it to be like, total freedom. Which it is not.

I really feel for you. We are here to support you through this. I don't mean to make it sound like the end of the world. It isn't. It is just that it is such a challenge at this point in your life. But it could be gratifying if you can keep the right attitude. How is she doing in school?

Take care, keep posting. Keep your cool too. lol...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

doglover4
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/23/2011 5:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think that her trusting me is the issue. I have never given her reason not to. She has told me things that she doesn't want her Dad to know but I felt he should know. She does not know that I told him but I felt as a wife I should tell him. She isn't doing really well in school, we have had some calls of her just not doing her work or handing in assignments. I once got a call from her school saying that she had forged a note to get out of school. She never does(has) any homework and she is taking all advanced courses. My husband is fine with me disciplining her but sometimes I don't even want to talk to her. I know it sounds juvenille but that is how I feel. I agree that she probably thought that it was going to be total freedom here and she has realized it's not and that is why she is not happy. She does have rules to follow but sometimes I feel that my husband is a little soft on her at times and I don't agree. She is going to be coming home soon and I am getting so anxious, I hate it.

Doglover

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/23/2011 6:38 PM (GMT -6)   
It is too bad that she causes you anxiety. That isn't right. I wonder if some counseling with coping skills is in order. What does your counselor say about the whole situation? You need to learn to not let her get to you. That can be done. But you have to change the way you think about the situation. I am not sure how to go about that. But your counselor or another counselor would know. I don't know how she is taking advanced classes and not going to school. Was she with you and your husband when she forged the note? Or was she with her mom? I hope that things work out to where you aren't stressed with this.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

doglover4
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 1/24/2011 5:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, she was with us when she forged the note. I really don't know how she is passing advanced courses without doing homework or handing stuff in at all. I am going to see my social worker hopefully this week and maybe she will have some ideas because I cannot live like this. If she has some ideas on how I can cope with her not stressing me out that would be great. I think alot of it is that my husband and I do not agree on what she should be aloud to do and what I think is not acceptable. My husband is willing to go and see my counsellor so I think that will be great if she meets with us seperately,gets both sides, then we can make some progress. Anyway thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. It is really nice to talk to someone about this that makes me feel that it is not all me and my issue.

Doglover

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 1/24/2011 9:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that you have a great plan. And it sounds like this is going to work out for the best. You definately can't have a 16 year old coming into your home calling the shots.

Keep us posted on what is going on.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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