must ... stay ... strong

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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 1/22/2011 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, so it's begun. I've (temporarily, or maybe permanently) cut off contact with my mom. She's been leaving me phone message after phone message & seeing that fail, she's now taken to sending me emails.
She knows I'm not talking to her but doesn't respect my decision. I am trying to stay strong but I'm getting worn down already. I made it so my phone will not ring aloud when she calls, which is helping. The emails are so tempting to read, but I know nothing good will come of reading them so I'm trying to avoid them.

Any encouragement for maintaining no contact with her would be really, really appreciated. :)

hugz,
frances

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 1/22/2011 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
keep busy frances. keep being strong too. healings to you, jamie.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 1/23/2011 8:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

You are doing the right thing, even whether it is temporary or permanent. One day at a time. She may be persistant for awhile, but she will slow down. But don't be surprised if she comes over to see you. You may have to avoid her when she does.

My mother was glad in a way when I quit seeing her because she was abusing my grandmother (which I didn't know at that time). She was taking her money and keeping her doped up on pills. But that gave her free reign for a short period of time. Until she got put into the hospital and then foster care. They wouldn't let her come home. ONly for supervised visits. I suspect that she was beating my grandmother too. But don't know for sure.

It isn't easy in the beginning, but you are going to start feeling stronger and that will make it worth it. Eventually she wont be able to get to you anymore and you will have some freedom. You will get stronger. So stick to your guns and don't let her manipulate you. I am glad that you aren't reading her emails, though I know it must be tempting. But you are better off this way for your own sanity.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen

PS this is a huge step for you, but it is in the right direction.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

awty
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 1/23/2011 10:47 AM (GMT -6)   
I am unsure why you are cutting contact Frances, and it doesn't matter why, I respect your decision.

I know I am healthier for being away from the dysfunction I was surrounded in, I walked away, and promised myself, they would never hurt me again.

I wish for you, clarity.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 1/23/2011 1:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Jamiee, thanks always for your support.

Karen, I'm sure that unannounced visits will be the next step. It always is. It just sucks. Sometimes she even gets the police involved. I'm trying to get my home picked up. I want to do that for me. I feel like I deserve to live in a nice home, so I've been doing some little things to try to get things together. Also trying to sell a few things on eBay to cover my medicine so I don't have to borrow money from family (I do pay them back after a month or so, but gosh if they don't hold it against me for years to come). I found a way to get some meds for free, so I just need to raise funds for my emergency pain medicine & for my thyroid med. I figure if I have that stuff in order & since I'm a FT student and PT worker, there shouldn't be any reason for them to take her word on any kind of nonsense she wants to spout out. She likes to make people who ignore her/dislike her out to be crazy. She can be very persuasive.
I am getting much more done, though. A's in my classes so far, cleaning up my home, getting out job apps, phoning friends & going to church. When I'm in contact with her, I usually feel so awful that I get none of that done.

Awty, thanks for your support. I suppose dysfunction would describe my family as well. I don't really get ANYthing positive out of the relationship, yet I continually would try to maintain ties. Only bad came of it. My mom is getting worse as time goes by. Somehow I need to decide that I'm entitled to have a good life & if that's only possible without my family dragging me down, so be it.

peace to all,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 1/23/2011 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Frances,

I suppose it is safe to say that I am a lousy housekeeper. I just can't keep up with it. I try, then I just don't do it. I have been working on my house too. Maybe I will call it 'spring' cleaning. I have a lot of dust and it is so hard. I can dust every day and not keep up with it. I know that my fibromyalgia has a lot to do with it too. Sometimes I wonder if I am just lazy. But it seems I am most always trying to do something. I do get a meal cooked every day and the dishes done. If I am lucky I will vacuum (dog hair is a problem) and maybe mop a floor. But my mother used to critisize my cleaning and I think that still plays in my head. Here it has been 17 years since she died and she still effects me. But you do learn how to get passed it. It is hard to get use to at first, but when you realize that you are feeling better, it gets better. Eventually you wont think about her. That is when you are free. I know that there are many who have good relationships with their mothers, even a fair one is good. They probably don't understand how we could feel this way. And it is sad to miss that bond that you are suppose to share. I hope that nobody thinks badly of my way of thinking and what I am saying. When a person effects you so much that it interferes with your health and mental well being, you have to get that person out of your life. Plain and simple, I guess. No matter who it is. It is especially hard when it is such a close family member. So never think bad of yourself. You are doing this for self preservation. I have once again rattled on. I hope that you are having a good day and feeling well.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

givinguponit24
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 1/23/2011 6:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I would suggest losing all contact with you're mother.
ADHD, BIPOLAR TYPE 1, OCD, GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER, LEARNING DISABLED, SLOW PROCESSING DEFICIT DISORDER, BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, phe disorder.
Lamictal-300mg, Trileptal-900mg Seroquel-200mg, Risperdal-5.0mg Zoloft-25mg

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 1/24/2011 1:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sure it is difficult Frances, but please remember you are doing this for your own health (and wellbeing), and your health has to come first for you.
Take Care and Good Luck!
Navy
 
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 1/24/2011 12:23:47 PM (GMT-7)


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 1/24/2011 6:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances: I wish I had some valuable words of advice for you. But it seems that everybody (most of all Karen) have already provided that for you. Just know that I fully support you. What you are doing makes perfect sense.

And if/when you feel that you're not strong enough to do this, think of all of us standing right beside you. We've got your back!

Cass

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 1/25/2011 8:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Frances,
You know you have my support and prayers. You are doing what you know is right for you and if you don't want to be part of your mother's life then I know you have good reason. You are such a strong person and you have done so much for yourself. Keep ignoring the phone calls and just delete the emails so you won't be tempted to read them. You have come so far and done so much to get where you are. Don't let anyone cause you problems. You know that everyone supports you.
 
Hugs,
 
Aurora

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 1/25/2011 8:46 PM (GMT -6)   
yes we all support you frances. keep on keepin' on. here 4 ya, jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

givinguponit24
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 1/26/2011 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I favor you not having any contact whatsoever with her. Keep it up you're doing a terrific job.
ALLERGIES, ADHD, OCD, GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER, PTSD, BIPOLAR TYPE 1, HYPOCHONDRIAC, PHE DISORDER.
Lamictal-300mg, Trileptal-900mg Seroquel-200mg, Risperdal-5.0mg Zoloft-25mg

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 1/26/2011 3:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I failed yesterday. I hadn't gotten my meds yet & needed something. So I called & asked for money. Such a bad idea. Now she's trying to worm her way further into my life. She's being "helpful" right now but I know it's only a matter of days before that turns into some kind of vicious behavior & cruel insults.

idk. I hate being broke. Anything goes wrong & I can't take care of it on my own. And the meds are hundreds of dollars per week so it's not like I could just borrow the money from a friend. I'm trying not to feel awful but I feel like a failure & I hate myself. :(
and here you all were being so encouraging & I failed anyways. i'm so sorry.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 1/26/2011 4:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,

You are not a failure. You just needed your meds and I think that was all that you could do. Know that in the future, things are going to work out so that you don't need her money to borrow. Just keep taking this one day at a time, and continue to limit your time with her. This isn't like you failed or anything, I imagine that you felt pretty bad without your medications.

Keep trying.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

givinguponit24
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 1/26/2011 7:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Yeah its gotta be bad without you're medication. So you did contact her?
Dont hate yourself.
Shes the bad one not you.

Yeah it will turn into insults unless you get along with her somehow.
ALLERGIES, ADHD, OCD, GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER, PTSD, BIPOLAR TYPE 1, HYPOCHONDRIAC, PHE DISORDER.
Lamictal-300mg, Trileptal-900mg Seroquel-200mg, Risperdal-5.0mg Zoloft-25mg

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 1/27/2011 12:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,
We all fail (but I agree with the others that this is not a failure), but the important thing is to build your resilence muscle by getting back up. So please stop beating yourself up about it, because we are not judging you about this. No one here is expecting you to sacrifice the quality of your life.  In fact we support your path to improving it.  You know what your appropriate boundaries are for you, and sometimes those have to go back and forth depending on how you feel that day. Taking care of your health is a pretty big deal, and sometimes must be negociated (sorry I cannot spell that correctly with my voice address system and the coughing).
Take Care,
Navy
P.S. Might I request that you be a little more gentle with yourself and your expectations of yourself.   After all I doubt you would treat another with the harshness that you are treating yourself with.
Forum Co-moderator - Crohn's Disease/Thyroid Disorders: All comments have the caveat contact your local health care provider.
I will find a way or make one. –Phillip Sidney 1554-1586
All that I am and all that I shall ever be, I owe to my Angel Mother.
The Bucket List- Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?
Make sure your suffering has meaning…

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 1/27/2011 5:59:08 PM (GMT-7)


Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 1/27/2011 3:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Frances,
I don't look at this as a failure, and I agree with the
others it's not worth beating yourself up over. your
a good strong person, things will get worked out
can you file for disability? maybe try doing that.
well wishes to you and know we all here care about you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Frances)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
healing hugz and prayers...
**********************************************
* Asthma, Allergies, Osteoarthritis, Spinal Stenosis, Degenative Disc (Lower Lumbar S1-L3 and Cervical C5,C6, C8 and T1), Fibromyalgia, Gerd,
Enlarged Pituitary Gland, Sjogren's, Ocular Migraines, mild carpel tunnel, ect.... "Would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...

********>^..^<********>^..^<********>^..^<********

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 1/27/2011 4:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Frances: I'm with all the others. You are definitely not a failure. Your health must come first and unfortunately you cannot control the fact that you need the meds and they are so expensive.

Even if you cannot cut off contact completely you are realizing that your mother needs to stay in her own boundaries. This is a huge step in itself. This isn't going to happen overnight. So give yourself a little slack right now and just take this one step at a time.

Cass
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