I ended up X-mas 2010, almost ending it...

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/27/2011 2:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I had it really bad, went to the psych emergency ward, and they immediately admitted me to a closed department. I was locked up for about five days. Since then, I take Mirtazapin, and I regularily see a therapist. Have seen her for over a year, now. She sort of tells me that I won't be able to attend her therapy as often as before. I'm a Swede, so the government pays for most of it, which also gives them the right to kick me out.
 
To make a long story short, this is how I am today. I just can't stop crying. I watch a film, and something in it triggers it. I read a book, and something I read triggers it. I don't know whether that is a sign of health or whether I am going back to the closed ward again. It hurts like hell, but somehow I don't think it's back to the slammer...
 
My therapist has made me realize that I have been depressed since I was a small boy. My father was a genuine pig, a real swine. I just never understood that the treatment me and my siblings recieved was undeserved. I always reckoned myself as a loser, as not deserving better. In a way, I still do. I was never popular with women, never really succeeded at work. Perhaps I never let myself be successful? Be that as it may, I feel so confused, so hopelessly confused.
 
Then again, those tears I shed, they hurt like hell, my whole body shudders. If that's healing, is it worthwhile? I'm not entirely convinced it is...
 
Like someone said, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. Or do I?
 
 
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 1/27/2011 4:33 PM (GMT -6)   
You want to live. You will. It sounds like you may need a medication adjustment of some sort. Do you let your therapist know how hard it is for you right now. It sounds like you are really struggling.

Just know that it does get better. And you are on the way there. But I would talk about your medication. Maybe there is something better so that you aren't crying all the time. None of us want to feel that way. And we all do understand how you are feeling. We have all been there. It is always darkest before the dawn. Remember that.

Can you get out and go for a walk? That really helps the mind and your soul. It clears your thinking too and gives you energy. Even if it is just a little bit everyday. Take time and build up your stamina.

I am glad that you have joined us. Keep seeing your therapist. You might want to see if you can see her more often until you start feeling better. Depending on how often you are going and are allowed to go.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen

Continue the therapy. How often do you go?
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 1/27/2011 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
hang in there, we care. walking and seeing my therapist helps me. walking hard at times because i use a cane and am in massive pain, but i push thru. it is my reflective bit. music too. playing best of saxon. now that's going back!!!
ps, metal rules!!!! with compassion, jamie, male 38.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/28/2011 3:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks.

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/28/2011 4:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Sorry for the short reply, but I lost it when reading your replies... Funny thing, I am still able to cope at work. I am a high school teacher of history and social science, but I'm fortunate enough to have such lovely teenagers. I draw much strength and energy from them...

Karen, I see my therapist once a month, nowadays. But that was before my losing control. I am trying to set an appointment with her, in the beginning of February. Fingers are crossed....

I will definitely talk to her about my medication. Problem is, she's not an MD, so she can't prescript. However, there are MD's in the house.

You know, I have been hanging in there, been doing really well until the beginning of this month. Many small things (and big, of course) triggers my crying. I have been coping at work, but we are just about to do the Holocaust at school. I don't know that I won't be able to take all those horrible pictures, witness acounts and films. I've been to some camps, including Auschwitz. That was just about the worst I've ever seen. (The memory triggers tears, for sure.)

Right now, I am thinking maybe my crying is instead of all those tears I should have shed through my life. My father is dead, missed by noone, since 2002. You know, he had his secretary type the letter, even to sign it for him, ending our relationship (not that I regret it that much). I don't miss my father, I miss having a father. I never had one proper, really...

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 1/28/2011 5:08 AM (GMT -6)   
i too miss having a proper father. don't know mine. my step-father was a very brutal man, hence me being the way i am. (from a sequale of abuse) i am my father, if that makes sense. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 1/28/2011 7:36 AM (GMT -6)   

Welcome to the depression board and to HealingWell. We're glad you're here. You're in a very dark place right now and it's hard and lonely. But everything will be okay with time. You need someone to talk to and we can fulfill that hole for you to some extent, so it's good you found us.

Take it one day at a time, there is always something to live for. Please know that coming here and sharing your feelings was a brave thing to do.

Begin to undermine the way depression works by starting to look for subtle positives. The benefits of keeping a ‘gratitude log’ extend beyond lifting depressive feelings to physical health, wellbeing, and alertness levels.  Make a point of sitting down twice a week and listing all the stuff for which you can possibly be grateful. Your list can be the things we notice around us that sound simple but it will help you focus on the good things in life.  "“I am grateful that  the morning sunshine on Wednesday made life brighter "

Take care and stick with us.

Kindly,

Kitt


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/28/2011 10:11 AM (GMT -6)   
I like the idea of looking for subtle postives. Sounds like a way to turn bad into good. Whether my pupils know it or not, I use all the positive feedback from them to try to do just that. I just never had the words for it. It feels kind of weird, laughing with my pupils, and crying at home. It's like I should feel guilty for laughing, that it can't be that bad, like my depression is phoney.

I haven't the courage yet to tell my boss. (Swedish rules for employment are so odd. If I have to go on sick leave, my employer will have to pay for the first two weeks, and then for rehabilitation. The ideology is that ny health is the employer's responsability.) I will turn 50 this spring, and here in Sweden it's really much harder to find a job, the older you get.


Also, thankyou so much for helping me out. I want you all to know that it really helps, just knowing that there are people "out there", sharing. Today, the way I feel, I just haven't the energy to read other threads, but it really helps, just wrtiting this down.


Jamie, my father wasn't a violent man, but he sure knew how to tread on people. We were never quite good enough for him, our school grades were never good enough. He compared us siblings to each other, to fins something to criticize. Divide and rule...

And you being your father totally makes sense. Noone puts me "in my place" better than I do! If I understand you right?

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 1/28/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
fully understand. glad ya feelin' better my swedish friend. from your aussie friend. jamie :-)
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 1/28/2011 12:43 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound a lot better today, we are all so happy for that. Keep posting and know we all care about you.

My grandfather was a Swede.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/28/2011 12:48 PM (GMT -6)   
So nice of you to care, and to show it. I am touched. Yes, I feel better, but I am still unstable. And I still a bit frightened of the deep holes in my soul, But it feels good, to get "my demons" of my chest... To express my feelings is a good way to manage them...


So good of you all to care!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 1/29/2011 10:10 PM (GMT -6)   

KEEP POSITIVE MY SWEDISH FRIEND. JAMIE

WE ARE HERE FOR EACH OTHER. SOME HAPPY FACES 4 YOU. WITH COMPASSION, JAMIE

smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin tongue tongue tongue tongue tongue smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smurf smurf
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Henrik1961
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/30/2011 5:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Jamie, that's nice.

I don't really know what happened to me the other week. It seemed as if every little piece of emotional input just broke right through my defences...

I'm on a long journey, to a life that I know very little about: a normal life. I'm a lifelong bachelor, no kids, took my degree 2005, been a teacher ever since. It's like growing up, I guess. I'll turn 50 come June, so I guess it's time.

I am ok. Really I am. I'm not good, but I'm ok. It's a crisis I went through. I think. There will probably be crises to come. Crying is cleansing, in a way. You guys helped, just by being there and by writing nice stuff...

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20193
   Posted 1/30/2011 5:41 AM (GMT -6)   
YOUR DOIN' WELL. GOT THRU THE HARD BIT. KEEP POSTING, GLAD YOUR DOIN' BETTER. JAMIE.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

batgirl1989
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/30/2011 7:24 AM (GMT -6)   
man, this really really hit home! i'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. i think the best thing to do, is to separate yourself from this illness. that is so scary and hard, you are not your depression. you are not a bad person for feeling this way. you feel this way because of chemicals in your head and experiences you've had. if those two circumstances went away, you would just be you. happy you. your sadness and horrible depression doesn't define who YOU are. i am so sorry you feel so sad that all sounds terrifying and very scary. how are you doing now?

batgirl1989
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/30/2011 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
man, this really really hit home! i'm so sorry that you've suffered so much. i think the best thing to do, is to separate yourself from this illness. that is so scary and hard, you are not your depression. you are not a bad person for feeling this way. you feel this way because of chemicals in your head and experiences you've had. if those two circumstances went away, you would just be you. happy you. your sadness and horrible depression doesn't define who YOU are. i am so sorry you feel so sad that all sounds terrifying and very scary. how are you doing now?
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, June 24, 2018 10:33 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,887 posts in 326,219 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161310 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, ejt998.
329 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
The Dude Abides, Alxander, JayPoppa, quincy, 1hopeful1