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chamari
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/27/2011 10:27 PM (GMT -6)   
i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and i loved him very much, i gave everything to him because i thought he was the one for me. Just last week I found out he had been cheating on me all these 3 years and i couldn't bear it anymore. he promised, he swear, he even tried proving to me he wasn't like that, and i fell for it. its been a week now and i haven't been going to school, every day i wake up wanting to cry and every night i felt so alone. i felt like he was everything to me, during the whole 3 years i went through so many tough times and he was always there for me, i felt like he was the only person i can trust. i gave him my love, caring, i only wanted the best for him and gave every piece of me just to make him happy and now i find out that during those time he had another girl in his heart. i asked him why he did this? even when at the start i was just a nice girl who dreamed of falling in love and the whole time he wanted to hurt me, he never told me why but i he told me it was everything about me that made him do it. i don't understand, after giving him 100% of me he says this. honestly i loved him and i wish he was here, i feel like he's the only one who can make me feel better, but the more i'm with him the harder it gets and the more i cry. i know i shouldn't care for someone like that, but i've been comfortable with him too long now its just like a piece of me is gone. i don't know what else to do, theres never been one day where i haven't talked to him, its so hard knowing that everything i sacrificed and lost was for nothing.

batgirl1989
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/27/2011 10:38 PM (GMT -6)   
that is so hard!!! the thing that people need the most is unconditional love and support,this guy broke your heart,and that's hard and scary. take solace in knowing and believing that you're worth so much more. just take baby steps with knowing you're so worth it.

batgirl1989
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 1/27/2011 10:39 PM (GMT -6)   
p.s., and don't feel guilty for loving someone, it's not your fault you love him, it doesn't mean anything bad about you for loving someone who turned out to not be what you thought. there WILL be someone in your life better, as long as you know you're worth it.

Cognitivism
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 1/27/2011 11:00 PM (GMT -6)   
If you want to move on from this cheater, don't give him power by staying upset over this. In doing so, you're giving him power over your life (the power to make you unhappy). It sounds to me like he doesn't deserve that much power. A piece of you is NOT gone. Look at it this way (even though it's harshly clinical). Love is a manifestation of our neurotransmitters in the brain. It releases pleasureful chemicals like serotonin (and dopamine in sex) to maintain relationships, as in our evolutionary past proved vital to carrying on the existence of our species. You have NOT lost a piece of yourself. This is merely an illusion that, sometimes can be daunting to overcome, but is easier than we think.
William

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 1/27/2011 11:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Chamari,

Cognitivism says it the best! Plus I need to add something to give you perspective, not to belittle your situation.

You are still physically well and whole. I was seriously injured a few years back by two DOCTORS of all people, not just unfortunate outcome of needed surgery, but surgery that did not need to be done (found out on review), was done WRONG, no follow-up to complications. Lost the use of my colon, rectum, and for 7 months the use of my small intestine. Had to search all over the US for 13 months for a doc to fix me up the best that could humanly be done. The only thing that could be done was repair of my small intestine and permanent ileostomy bag (I excrete waste into a bag out of my small intestine). So far so good, but I physically have no guarantees for the future. I could reobstruct from scar tissue and die tomorrow. BUT, so far so good and it's been 3+ years now. BUT this makes me realize all the healthy, safe, good years I wasted feeling bad about things other people did to me socially like your situation, Though it is natural to feel hurt, do not give this guy any more of your time or attention.

So I am TOTALLY going for it now. I travel all over the world, ballroom dance like there is no tomorrow, and generally party it up. I view people soooooo differently than before. There are LITERALLY pieces of me missing (or no longer able to be used). I am literally not all in one piece.

You, on the other hand, have the most important thing in life......you have YOU! I am presuming you are healthy and WHOLE. This other person who broke your heart is OUTSIDE of you. You are complete without him. He is an "outsider" so to speak. Concerning where you are at, DO NOT give him the power over you to make you feel this way. You will meet another one day. BUT for now, focus on you, your hobbies, true interests, your friends, family, and pets if you have any. Think back to when you were a kid. Do some things that you liked back then. If possible go back and visit some nice places that you may have fond memories of prior to meeting this idiot. That is how to reconnect with yourself. I wish I had done this. I was being torn in a million different directions when I had this surgery that almost ended my life. I was working full time, caring for my mom, caring for an aunt, commuting 60 miles per day one way to work, trying to get a gut issue dealt with which turned out NOT to be surgical! DID not know scans had been misread, docs planning procedures they did not tell me of or that were even needed. Too long a story to fully tell, but I was lead by life events. I was not leading my life. You need to take life by the reigns and start driving it, not let life (and this idiot) keep driving you. Take charge!

I wish you well, Rosemary

chamari
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/27/2011 11:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks a lot i realize so much and i know its going to be hard. i just don't know how i will gain confidence again, i dont know if i can ever trust a guy again, like i see so many pretty girls out there and sometimes i feel like they rather be with them. its so hard i mean i want someone there for me like how he was, every moment he did what he could to help me and give me strength to do better and try harder, he even said it was best to break up but not until 3 years later. i just don't understand why he cheated on me in the very beginning and then tells me to wait for him for 2 more years so we can finally be together then i finally find out he's been playing me this whole time.
i'm just so frustrated because i fought against my family just to keep our love strong, I went through the toughest time just for him and he doesn't care. I just don't think i can ever do this anymore...
its so hard, i want to know what other secrets he kept every time i ask him he tell me "what girl you talking about" i just cant take it anymore, but i just want to know the truth

chamari
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/27/2011 11:53 PM (GMT -6)   
your right rosemary
its hard to say, i've rejected many guys for the past 3 years to stay faithful, i've gotten outta shape because i thought he loved me for who i was but now realizing that most guys will settle for a hot chick whose smart and rich. i just dont know where to start. i have a big family and growing up i was never able to enjoyed the beauty of the world or my freedom and now im older im afraid to take the risk and push myself out there. i want to enjoy my life but now that i go to college ive been doing badly and i dont even have time to or know where to start.
i feel like i need someone to push me to the right direction...i dont know whats best, i know your right, but i dont want to be alone.
growing up i was always bullied and i could never make any friends, in my family i was an outsider compared to all my siblings all i wanted was someone to understand me and love me for who i am... i just dont know why out of every one it had to be him. i met him when i was just 7 and i've like him for over 11 years, he knows that and still he broke my heart.
I can take baby steps but suffering at the same time is too hard for me, i thought i could do it but i wake up having nightmares being cheated on again, i see other couples and i ask why did you have to do this when we were so happy?

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 1/27/2011 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Chamari,

I think what you need is closure. Same as I need with what is discovered in my suit against two unscrupulous docs who almost took my life. BUT some times we do not get closure and we have to move on anyway because we have no choice.

Tomorrow, get up and focus on something different than him. ANy thing but him. Try to get back in touch with your family or any friends and just get together with them. Go do something with them that has nothing to do with this ex-boyfriend. Get some diversion if only for 20 minutes or so. I fully understand the obsession with the thing we have lost, trust me I know. BUT continuing to beat ourselves up over it only hurts us more. I hope you read my whole post. TRUST ME I am beating myself up constantly about not having my pre-op scan reread prior to having that surgery, BUT there is nothing I can do. SO I'm trying to move on and working hard at it. I am still obsessed on it mentally, but motion wise I have moved on into travel and dance and meeting new friends to enjoy the time I have left.

They say thought follows action. Do an action tomorrow that has nothing to do with this guy. Go volunteer at any animal shelter and hug a kitten. Animals are the best, they love us unconditionally. They and nature are really where it's at. People have the capacity to really hurt us in many ways.

Try my suggestions and let me know how you do. Though our issues are so different we are still grieving loss. We gotta move through it and out of it if we are to go on.

Rosemary

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 1/28/2011 12:11 AM (GMT -6)   
Chamari,

We are on at the same time. That is good. Hang in there with me. You are doing what I used to do in my 20's and 30's when I was healthy, whole, and undamaged. I was always noticing other girls had guys and why did I not. I DO admit that your knowing this guy and being with him for soooo long and loving him for so long is different than me just wishing I had someone in my 20's and 30's BUT what we were and you are now doing is looking to the OUTSIDE for SOMEONE to validate you. I had horrific things happen to me as a child at the hands of other people. SO I know where you are coming from with being an outsider and all of that. That is what made us both so dependent on OTHERS. WHat you need to focus on is YOU. YOU are whole in and of yourself.

My mom, the aunt I was caring for, my teaching job, they all went up in smoke so to speak when I became disabled for 13 months following my initial unneeded damaging surgery. Now that I am put back together the best that can be done, I do not have the energy to help others like I had before my severe trauma. My mom is in a nursing home, my work retired me, and my aunt died. WHat is all boils down to is that we only really have ourselves after all is said and done. Are you young? Are you healthy? Do you have all your senses? Are you all in one piece? If so......

Then you have it all and you just are not able to see it AT THIS POINT IN TIME! Try to see yourself 5 years from now. You will be out of college. You will likely be working. You will likely meet people at work. You may be traveling. You may have your own place. I could never have the where-with-all to see beyond my current situation. This literally almost killed me. Had I looked to the future and been able to tell myself "THis too shall pass" then I would not have gone down the road I did. The gut trouble I had was stress and a tight muscle that kept me from efficiently moving my bowels. A mis read of a scan said I needed my sigmoid colon removed. HOw is that for bad Karma?

I do understand and I am just trying some "tough love" here, so please know that I deeply feel for you, but do you on the intellectual level understand what I am telling you? Understanding intellectually comes before feeling on the emotional level. Just mull over what I have said. I am giving you advice from FIRST HAND EXPERIENCE that I so wish someone had TRIED to impart to me. I may not have been able to let the advice in, but I feel like I need to pass this on to you. I learned the very hard way. I care.

Hang tough, Rosemary

chamari
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/28/2011 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   
i'll do my best i know everything you say is right, im busy with school, my schedule is full of clubs and school and work and studying but in those moments when i'm alone i feel like i wish someone was there, i know my friends wont be because they have theyre own life, i know my sister wont because she can care less. i really think i need a slap in the face...i can keep in touch with some friends, eat out, have some party, work hard but in the end my heart still hurts...
after this i realize how lame i really am. my whole life i relied on everyone and they always let me down. i want to get my liscense and do things myself and make my own goals come true. i think ive been blind this whole time, in college ive always wanted the best for him, made him study hard for his classes and did what i could to cheer him on and forgetting that i had my own life. now that i look at how bad im doing i realize how easy i was and how pathetic i was too. i knew he wasnt the one but i took the risk because i wanted to see how strong our love was i wanted to see if love was power over all. instead i was just a fool... but thank you very much right now i kinda do feel like he is nothing, i feel a little confidence and hoping i could do better, i look forward to being able to look at him and not feel anything even if he had a girl in his arms i could care less because i know that he means nothing to me, and even if i sacrifised everything for him its in the past and i cant take it back no matter how much i want to...now i think about this i want to work harder for myself, i want to be able to look good and feel good about myself, i want to be confident and forget about guys, i just dont know how people can do this

chamari
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 1/28/2011 12:43 AM (GMT -6)   
thanks for your help, if i didnt know what to do i would of gone back to him... but now i understand, life is tough but i know its all about fighting to overcome something and not giving up its easier said then done. but i know i can do this and your right i need to do this for myself

esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 1/28/2011 1:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Chamari,

You go girl! Now you've got it! I know easier said than done. BUT you intellectually have a great grasp on this. I want to take back the day I had the surgery that wrecked me and may eventually still cost me my life but I can't. Just as you can't take back all the time you spent with him. BUT, we made the best decisions we could AT THE TIME with the information we were given or saw demonstrated before our eyes. You did not knowingly invest in someone you knew was a jerk. AND I did not knowingly have surgery I did not need with disastrous outcome pending. We just didn't know.

I know what you mean about being in a room full of friends and busy on a daily basis and still feeling there is a void in us. But, Do you know who we are really missing? We are missing ourselves. It's as simple as that.

For awhile don't even think about a replacement for your former special man. You need time to heal and find you. ONce you find you whatever is meant to be will come to you be it friends, a great job, your family coming back to you? or even another special man, maybe when you are 30, 40, 50? You have no idea what or when. That is what makes life so good is not knowing what good things will come your way or when.

Glad I could help. Fate has given me a new direction in life though sure not the way I envisioned it, but I'm compelled to at least try and help others. Hope I made you feel a bit better. You sound better :-) Have a good night. Rosemary
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