Managing Abusive People and Being Our Own Parent

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It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 1/28/2011 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Much of what we read on our forum has to do with being treated badly by our parents, spouses, or partners.  How to help those of us involved in relationships like that is somewhat difficult because we depend so much on the ones who are causing our problem.
It seems to me that we all have to learn to be our own parent; that is, we have to soothe the child within, make sure its needs are met for food, clothing, medical attention, and most importantly, love and affection. 
First, we have to recognize that the people who are abusing us are projecting their own inadequacies onto us; that what they are doing is revealing to us what they are like inside.  It's no easy task to grasp that when you are sixteen or sixty-five if we have never been given instruction in what being abused is caused by.  It's never our fault; we must believe that.
But beyond that, what do we do about it?  We have to calm ourselves inwardly and look for friendship and caring from those who know how to give it, and better yet, who know how to share it so that we aren't left feeling dependent on every one around us to make us feel better.  We can learn to make ourselves feel better, you know.  A large part of it is getting away from the abusive atmosphere and finding healthy outlets.
1.  We can go to a church where calmness and serenity are prevalent.  We can talk to counselors there who may be very helpful.
2.  We can get into the open and exercise which releases tension and anxieties.
3.  We can find humor where we may; it relieves unconscious aggressions and anxieties.
4.  We can talk to people who have been given the wrong impression of who we are and let them decide for themselves what they wish to think.  Smart people are going to suspect the abusers, anyway, and will know that it  isn't we who are what they say we are.
5.  If we are old enough to work, we can save the money to see a counselor and seek to be put in a foster home that has been proven to be a healthy atmosphere or we may use the money to see a psychiatrist who will medicate us until we are able to get away finally from the abusive atmosphere.  (Only prescribed medications will do
that: drugs and drinking will never do it.)
6.  Once out of the abuse, the real problem of being our own parent becomes more and more solvable.  If we don't have an idea of what good parenting is, we should look at a few of the sentences below:
Largely, it consists of gentleness, calmness, and quietness in the surrounding environment.  We all learn more readily in an atmosphere like that, and we also learn to trust our own ideas and thoughts about ourselves, not others' ideas of us.  It's healthy to think of ourselves as caring and responsible people.  We should never give up.  We need always to remember that some of the most scarred and injured people turn out to be the most loving and compassionate and thoughtful people we'll ever know.  When we transform the pain into working principles deep within us, we overcome the world, so to speak.
Best wishes on progress with the help of a parent within and the good people on the outside.
It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 1/28/2011 1:28:09 PM (GMT-7)

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 1/28/2011 3:42 PM (GMT -6)   

Have you ever heard of the book called "healing the child within"? It is written by a Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. I read it a few years ago and it has to do with learning to heal that child. It is a really good book.

I do believe that abuse as a child, be it mental or physical, restricts us from growing and we have to grow as adults. And in my opinion, that takes a lot of work and patience. We do have to learn to love ourselves. That fullfills us. And I agree about the atmosphere being relaxed and quiet.

That was a wonderful post. I am sure that you will get many replies. I hope others share their views with us.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 1/28/2011 3:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, Getting By, I have that book which you recommended earlier
and I intend to read it one day. I know it's going to be very enlightening. It's encouraging to think that someone--if only one--benefits by what we post, isn't it?

I liked the post to givingupon24; the artist really must go with the flow,
musn't he?

Hope your day remains good.

It's Genetic

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 1/30/2011 4:25 AM (GMT -6)   
good stuff by ya both.


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