I just need to say it.

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/1/2011 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everyone, it's Carrie. I posted something on here a while back (November) and I had some fantastic responses. All of you responded with such sincerity and hopefulness for my health that I regret not ever getting back to all of you that replied, and to say thank you. Though I'd never replied (I wasn't sure what to say; and the honest but lazy part of me hates to admit, that I also let it slip my mind), your honest feedback and heartfelt concern meant a lot. Because of that, I recommended this forum to a friend who also felt in need of communicating with someone. I'm not sure whether she posted on here or not, but truthfully, this is a wonderful place to vent your emotions without being criticized or judged. That's important - especially for people like me - who have these feelings and cannot even begin to tell you why. I posted on here originally assuming I was going to get harsh responses, such as, "You're so young (sixteen) and you have no reason to feel this way," but rather you accepted me and made me feel a little less bitter about my situation; it made me not beat myself up so much for it. So before I get to the whole point of this post, I want to thank each and every one of you. I assume you of all people know how important it is to have someone to turn to or somewhere to go when you feel like this.

So here I go again. Part Two. I'm posting another topic since the one I posted back in November. I can't tell anyone this, because I don't want to get anyone concerned. I briefly confided in a friend over the Internet, because she'd had a similar situation not too long ago, and she was helpful, in the sense that she understood, but telling her hadn't made me feel less ashamed. I'm ashamed because I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I think these thoughts, and I hate that I can't make them stop. I've become downright infuriated with myself for not understanding it better. I get furious because I feel I, above all people, don't have the right to feel this way. I have a lovely family and I'm healthy as far as I'm aware, and I hate that I take that for granted. The shame I feel from time to time is something I have trouble admitting to as well.

I have no where else to go; I have no one to tell this to, because I don't know what they'd say. They wouldn't understand, first off, and I'm sure they'd get angry with me, like I've been with myself time after time. I always assume they'll say, "You don't have the right to feel that way," or "You should be ashamed of yourself. There are people struggling in life to survive and you have everything going for you, and you think this way." In some way, I think it serves me right. How dare I, is right.

I feel anxiety even admitting this; even in the safe confinement of the Internet, where no one can give me strange looks or I don't have to hear those words, "You should be ashamed". But I've thought about it. It's hard to say out loud. I haven't been able to. But I've thought of it; yes, I've thought about . I'd say it's crossed my mind at least once a day now. I imagine my family going on without me, what pain it'd cause them, if they'd be able to move on. If they'd maybe not care as much as I think they would. I've thought about ways I could do it - not in-depth or in great detail, just a blip of a thought really - and who would find me. How I could do it without someone I love finding me. The thought, the very imagination of someone I love discovering me, frightens me to tears. How that would break my heart into pieces if the tables were turned. But I've thought about it. I still think about it. I think about how what used to make me happy doesn't. What should, doesn't. How I don't see myself ever being fulfilled in the future. How I shouldn't bother trying. But I'm so incredibly ashamed for thinking that way. I can't make the thought stop. I'll look at my dad and think, "How would he think of me after that? Would he ever be able to turn the channel on his TV and come across that TV show we watched together and not think of me?" I'll look at my mom and think, "How could I do this to her?" But I still think about it. I know all of this, yet I can't stop thinking it.

I've convinced myself that I'd never do it. That the mere thought of my family carrying on after what I've done to them breaks my heart too much to know I couldn't go along with it, but I used to never think about it. Especially not as often as I do now. So I think, "I've progressed like this, could I progress to the point I get up the nerve to do it?"

Tonight, when everyone was downstairs, I checked out a Suicide Hotline website. I read some stuff. I thought it'd make me feel less ashamed. It didn't. I wouldn't ever call, because I wouldn't know what to say. I can't talk about it out loud. I can type it, strangely enough, but I can't say the words. I can't get myself to admit I'm even unhappy, especially not to anyone I love. So I came here. I needed to get it out of my head. I want someone to say, "It's okay. Don't feel ashamed". Not that I want to tell you what to say to me. Say how you feel or what you think.

I'm going to exit out with this: I don't want anyone too concerned about me. That wasn't my intention. If I neglect to get back to you, don't think I resorted to something. I'm a long ways from that, I think. I just needed someone to know. I needed to get it out of my head for a little while.

And thank you. Tremendously. Thank you for allowing me to have a comfortable environment where I can feel safe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/2/2011 7:55:17 AM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 2/1/2011 9:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I hear ya. 100%. This was something HUGE for me, and still is. Like you, it crosses my mind at least once a day. Like you, I convinced myself that I would never, ever do it. The thing is, you DO have the right to have these thoughts and feelings. Don't be ashamed. Life is B.S sometimes and the thought of pure relief is very tempting. The way I see it is there's no shame in wanting peace.  is a very taboo subject in our society, which I think is ridiculous. It's a fact of life, but because of the stigma attached to it, people feel ashamed and don't want to confide in anybody or seek help for it. Is it a horrible thing? Yes, it's a downright tragedy. But instead of making people feel ashamed of themselves, people should offer support. Don't be ashamed!!

I understand your concern, though. It used to run through my mind "if I'm thinking about it, who says in a months or even years time I won't be fed up enough to do it?" The thought scared the crap out of me. You NEED to talk to somebody. See a councilor, a therapist, a psychiatrist. Even a close friend or family member, somebody who you feel won't judge you. Whatever you do, don't let them make you feel like you're wrong. You have a right to every feeling you have, whether the people in your life like it or not. Instead of judging you for your feelings, they should be helping you to not feel that way anymore.

Ultimately, I wouldn't say you're at risk. You've decided that you don't want to die. You know you won't do it. Thinking about it is one thing. My psychiatrist once told me that it's only a serious concern is the person not only thinks about it, but imagines ways they'd do it, makes plans, start getting their affairs in order etc. She said that it's completely normal to have a "deathwish mentality" when life hands you lemons.

Also, remember that the obsessive thinking is depression working it's way around in your brain. That may not be any comfort to you (I found it to be). The way I saw it, it wasn't ME constantly thinking about dying, it was my illness picking a point of interest in my brain and making it cycle through a billion times. Why? Because depression plays on your fears, and what's scarier than dying?

Please please please confide in somebody. I think a therapist would be very helpful for you. Sorry for the long long looong reply but this really hit home with me. I really hope you find peace of mind. <3

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/2/2011 7:56:54 AM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/1/2011 10:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much, Lululiya, for getting back to me so quickly. It's nice to hear someone on this side of the fence, understanding every emotion I've been feeling. I can't explain what I was feeling or thinking when I was reading that, but I felt this sensation that I wanted to cry. The fact that someone understands so deeply really touches me, and the fact that I honestly believe you when you say I shouldn't feel shame, makes me feel more whole, if that makes sense.

I am scared. I'm scared of anyone finding out, or anyone having an opinion of it, and I'm scared that my actions are getting out of my own control. Reading your own story and situation makes me feel so much better, I can't stress that enough. I will look into reaching out to someone, even if it takes mustering up some hidden strength I hope I bestow somewhere within me. Thank you so much!

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 2/2/2011 7:38 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm so glad I could help, really. I know the feeling of being scared; When I told my mother I was literally shaking. I didn't know how to describe it without scaring the crap out of her. I kept saying "I don't want to commit , mom, believe me. It just crosses my mind and it's scaring the hell out of me". For me, I was scared of being hospitalized or something, or having everybody put me on  watch and treat me very fragile.

I know what you mean about feeling out of control. My absolute biggest fear was that one day I'd be waiting for a train or something and I'd just go for it out of pure impulse. You aren't out of control though, you always have free will. The fear, like I said, is just the illness playing games with you. That's why it's so important to reach out :) If you can help ease the depression, it will stop messing with you.

Once again, glad I could help. You're already very well along, since you recognize what's going on and know you need to reach out to somebody. You're strong and you'll kick this thing's butt :) Just know you're not alone; Everybody on this forum is very welcoming and supportive.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/2/2011 7:58:31 AM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42224
   Posted 2/2/2011 9:02 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there ladies,
I don't want to lock this thread, I feel there are things that need to be said.  But we can't discuss suicide on this forum.  I feel that there is support needed here, so I am going to let this thread continue, but if suicide keeps coming up, I will have to lock it.
Carrie, I feel you are on a healing journey and that things are going to get better for you.  It just takes time.  If you ever feel you are getting close to doing something drastic, please check in the depression resources and call somebody.  You are a special individual and you are loved.  You would be missed so much by your family.  It would be a tragedy.  So please keep trying and don't ever give up. 
I feel the same for you too.  You are both special people.  And you deserve to be happy.  I hope that you both feel better soon.  Keep posting, but please read the forum rules and try not to break them. 
I wish for you both a wonderful day. 
Hugs, Karen 
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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