Don't Know What to Do Anymore

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

PDJM
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/1/2011 10:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey There,

I need some help. I have a hubby who has been in depression for years. He won't get help. I have no clue what to do anymore. As I have read, this can lead to the "spouse" getting depression. Been there, done that. Only I got help. He won't. I can't take this anymore. What do I do! My kids (now in there teens) have lost respect for him. He gets angry when I ask him to get help.

Please HELP!!!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 2/2/2011 3:27 AM (GMT -6)   

IS THERE A GOOD MATE HE WILL AND OR CAN

CONFIDE IN? ANY COUNSELLING AT WORK? WILL

HE GO TO COUPLES COUNSELLING. ANY MENS

SUPPORT GROUPS IN YOUR AREA? WILL HE GO TO

THE DOC IF YOU ATTEND? HOPING THIS HELPS.

AS YOU KNOW DEPRESSION SUCKS. WE ARE HERE

FOR YOU (BOTH). SENDING HEALING COMPASSIONATE

VIBES YOUR WAY. PS. YOU HAVE DONE WELL IN

COMING HERE AND SEEKING SUPPORT. JAMIE, AND

YES MALE!!!! 38.


SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/2/2011 9:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi PDJM,

I am sorry for your situation. It is hard to get somebody else to get help especially when they get defensive. Would he read any books on depression if you got them for him? That might be an alternative solution and it may help him. I wish you the best. You can't fix him, but you could gently try to persuade him to read or go to the doctor. I hope that he gets help for you and the kid's sake.

Oh yes, and welcome to the Depression Forum...

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

PDJM
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/2/2011 8:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for welcome. It is appreciated. I only wish I knew this group existing a couple of years ago. I can see this being an extremely helpful place to seek help and advise and let out my feelings without having to worry about what people think.

Hubby doesn't have any close friends he would confide in. When the depression hit, people came around less and less. It has been a few years and people just don't know how to handle him anymore. He goes on "rants". When he says things they come across rather brass/harsh, even if he doesn't mean for them to be. If you try to point this out he gets really angry, yells, sometimes will throw something small and handy for effect. For the first year or so I had no clue what to do and would grab the kids and go to a different room or leave altogether. Once we knew what it was I tried to encourage him to go to the doctor. Apparently our doctor is an idiot who doesn't give a crap. I told him to go to a councelling group. Those are for losers. He hasn't had a job for nearly five years. He walked out on that last job and was going to get something within two months. It has been the longest two months of my life! Those actions from years ago led us to losing our home (I didn't make enough to carry the mortgage and bills on my own for so long). We now live in a tiny apartment in a not so great area.

My older daughter has zero (absolute zero) respect for him now. She is 18. Our 14 year old loves him but doesn't believe he really cares about us. Given enough time I know the influence of her sister is going to sway her in the direction of zero respect for daddy. I myself - I just can't deal with it anymore. I can feel my own depression starting to kick back in. I know the signs and they are there. I am so stressed lately that I know my parenting is sliding because I just can't take anymore to deal with. I love what use to be him and that person seems to be long gone. The one I am left with just stresses me out. I dread coming home from work because I never know what I am going to be walking into. Lately it is one ranting husband and a super ticked off 18 year old who just wants to continually remind me what a jerk her father is and how embarassed she is by him. She also seems to be losing a lot of respect for me for staying with him. Then I have an emotional 14 year old crying because she is in grade 8 and stressed that she won't do well enough on an assignment or project to make honour role or get into the arts school she applied to. The 18 year wants to move out and honestly - SO DO I!

I am sorry - I am just so frustrated! Do the books really help? I think at this point that is my last resort. I can't force him to help himself, but I know I can't continue on this path. It is just too much! To add to it all, his mom was diagnosed with cancer today. Can it get any worse? She lives in the US and we live in Toronto. I have no money to go there - I can barely pay for our phone & internet service. He can't cross the border anyway - he got caught with a half a gram of hash when he was 18. She is sick, cancer of the spine. We don't know if its treatable, can't see her anyway, and she was the only form of support we had parental wise.

Can I just trade this life in for a new one? I think that would be easier. This one is way to hard - I want an upgrade. You can upgrade your combo at McDonalds - can't someone find a way to apply this to lives!

Thank you so much for this site. Just getting it out seems to make me feel a bit better......

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/2/2011 8:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, PDJM,

You know, if you have a minister whom your husband trusts it might be a good idea to have him come in one night for a visit (or even dinner) with you and your husband, and then ask the two of them to talk together about your husband's situation. Somehow, you've either got to get to a church and establish a working relationship with the staff there and find a counselor or minister who is willing to try to meet with your husband or you're going to have to act to protect your children and your own well-being from disintegration.

If he only knew of the newer medications out now that could bring back his intellectual and good emotional functioning, life could be so much richer for all of you. The children, especially, need their father's health back. They can be damaged by his behavior. Does he know that?

If you are unable to persuade him, somebody's got to do it for his own
return to normalcy. If he won't get psychiatric help (which he needs desperately), someone else in counselling is going to have to see him to help you retain your sanity and that of the children.

Consider police assistance if necessary. Let him know how people feel about his behavior by printing a copy of some of the things on this forum and presenting them to him so that he gets an idea of how others view the seriousness of his behavior. Your environment needs a calm, quiet, and gentle atmosphere for the children to grow and remain healthy--and you do, too.

You may eventually have to take the children and leave unless he begins to see some light at the end of the tunnel he is in. I can understand why you feel that enough is enough. And you are definitely right about that, as well as the other things you talk about.

Keep us posted on what you decide to do and how you manage in the meantime. There are ways; you'll see. Just turn your thinking from believing that you have to do it to those who are professionals in treating this illness.

Best wishes and do a good search for the right person to talk to him.

It's Genetic

PDJM
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/2/2011 8:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you It's Genetic. What you wrote has really hit home.

Somehow even when you know what to you need to do you just start to question it. You wonder if you are being too harsh, if you are justified, maybe if you hang in there you can fix it. I can't do this alone. I keep trying and I just can't give him what he needs. I am going to have to see where I can take him, what help we can get.

Wish me luck. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. If this doesn't work its over. Twenty years done and over. How the hell did we get here...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 2/2/2011 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I would suggest counseling for you too. I am sure that it would help with support and compassion. You need an objective view of what is going on and how to direct the outcome of events. It would help you with your daughters too. You will find ways to explain things to them that they don't understand. So think about it.

I am glad that you are being proactive with this. I hope that it works out. I am sorry that you have to be witness to his 'rants'. That would be scarey. It sounds like it is taking a toll on your youngest daughter, and your older one as well. That is sad. But I am sure that this is going to work out for you and your family. Keep posting here and reading. We are all here for you.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, September 23, 2018 3:39 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,005,811 posts in 329,267 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161805 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, fdgdfhdff8804.
211 Guest(s), 1 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
fdgdfhdff8804