Posted 2/6/2011 12:18 AM (GMT -7)
i hate my life. i have been clinically depressed for years now... since... well... probably since kindergarten. im almost 20 now. i never had very many close friends, i have always been able to make friends easily, but lately, i feel really alone. in the third grade i got a bit chubby and my weight was made fun of until i graduated (mind you, i went to the same school from kindergarten till 12th grade, so it was all the same people, every year). i have never been able to shake the weight off, so i just have always been self conscious. in the 7th grade, everything got worse, my "peers" turned from mean to cruel. and i sunk into a deep depression. and my older brother wasn't helping. my brother lost all of his weight in the 7th grade and turned into a bit of a stud. he was the cool one. he always has been. i was always the little brother... the pudgy tag-along that everyone made fun of. i hated it, but i wanted to be like my brother, to me, he was the coolest person i knew... little did i know, he was drinking... and he only drank more as he got older. but i digress. i managed to get myself into a group of people that i looked up to, in the eighth grade. and for two straight years, i literally had no friends. the group that i found disliked me and used me for their amusement, and i was desperate enough for friends that i would do anything. nothing seriously bad... just humiliating... this all continued for several years. in my junior year of high school, those people truly had become my friends, and i really did like them back. i was slipping out of depression and i found myself a girlfriend. she was the kindest, sweetest, and most beautiful girl i had ever known... and she loved me back. i went to a christian school, and i was always taught to save it till marriage, but... on our 1 month anniversary, she... well... played with me in a movie theatre... i know... its disgusting, i know that. but i was foolish, and i hadnt known anyone who truly didnt care about my looks that i just gave into it and i thought i was going to marry her, and we even consummated that love. i gave her a promise ring and we were a very happy couple. of course we had our downs, but we were never without our ups. i was getting nearer to my graduation from high school, and i was working my ass off to get my credits... i had failed so many classes due to my deep depression that i wasnt sure i would graduate. it was about this time that my parents separated their 34 year marriage. my father had sunken into a deep depression and i was the only person around who he talked about it to. my brother was on a 9 month contract with disney paris working as jack sparrow and wasnt around for anything. my parents separated two weeks before my high school graduation, and i was forced to move out of the only house i knew and go to a condo 30 miles from anyone i knew with my manic depressive father. now, december 2nd of 2008 that i asked that girl to be my girlfriend, and i even decided to go to her college. well... septemper 3rd of 2009 she called me out of class and broke up with me, the first month of college... that i only went to for her. the night before... (our 1 year 9 months) we had even made love (as it ALWAYS was for me, it was never just sex, i mean, i truly loved her). i found out 8 days later she was seeing someone else within about 3 days. i was got a job working in a jewelry store in august. i wanted to work there so i could buy her jewelry and not have to pay full price. (i bought her everything). and 1 month later, i was just left with a job i hated. the week after she broke up with me, my car was broken into and about $2400 worth of stuff was stolen from me, not including my set of 144 cds (worth about $2500). i was studying a career that i had always planned on as a child, aeronautics. i wanted to be a pilot. i couldnt join the airforce because i was too heavy, and even if i wasn't they wouldnt teach me to fly without a 4 year degree. it was about this time, (4 weeks into the semester) that i realized i couldnt afford to fly. so, i was forced to abandon aviation. i transfered out of that college and went to the college i wanted to go to, only to realize i couldnt get any GE classes. i was there for a year and completely wasted it. my father had begun dating other women... lots of them. idiots. and my mother was living with her roommate and best friend who was the cause of the breakup. my mother lost her job a year ago and has been trying to survive off of the money my father has to pay her. my father meanwhile has stopped making the money he was making when they were together and is now struggling. my brother came back from paris and was doing just about nothing but drinking... nightly... heavily. lucklly hes not a mean drunk, hes actually a rather fun drunk. but nevertheless, he gets drunk every day. my father and i dont get along very well, because he is a depressed manic depressive who finds fault in everything and thinks i am questioning him when i ask him "whats wrong?". needless to say, i cant talk to him. my friends all got into 4 year schools. my best friend got a full ride scholarship to a local school. he also got a job making $25 per hour... 40 hours per week. at 20, he is literally worth about $300,000. so, its been getting increasingly more and more difficult to talk to him. my work at the jewelry store had turned awful what with the new manager hiring her son in law, and his best friend. both of whom disliked me for being white. (they're egyptian) her son in law had vowed to get me fired and worked toward that goal. everyone else at work got along with me very well, we were all just one big happy family, except them. they openly hated me... and only me. now, it looked like the son in law's best friend was trying to be friendly to me. he asked me for help with a little side way to get money. hustling iphones. we went into at&t and he bought 2 iphones, all he needed me to do was sign my name, and he would pay me $50 per phone, which was very appetizing because my hours had been cut down to the point that i couldn't afford gas and had to work weekends as a hired hand on ranches. we went to at&t two times, the first to buy 2 phones, the second to pick up just one. if you cancel your phone service within 30 days of opening your account they dont charge you a cancellation fee, so he told me he'll take care of all that the next day and cancel the subscription. he paid me $100 and never gave me the other $50. meanwhile, my brother had met the woman of his life and decided to marry this English beauty. they set the date and i was one of his groomsman. my manager would not give me the time off to be at my brother's wedding. my only option was to quit. little did i know, the son in law of my manager had been telling her i was breaking company policy (which i wasnt) and finally managed to get me fired. i came into work and was handed the pink slip. i was going in to turn in my two weeks notice so i could be at the wedding, and i was fired. he lied, and got me fired. i went back twice to try to collect that extra $50 but i never got it. after the wedding i decided to try to move to texas with some relatives. to try to get a job out there, and i finally left on this past december 28th. almost immediately i knew i couldn't live out there. i had moved and hadn't thought it through. i had more than $1200 in debt and no income (unemployment denied me) and no way to pay my bills. i finally moved back after 3 weeks of listening to the most intolerant southern baptist old woman you have ever met (my grandmother). i moved back... no job... no money... no debt... no close friends... a jerk of a father who got himself into debt... a mother who wanted to go into debt (with no job) to buy me a new car, because that previous summer, i was hit by a hit and run idiot her pretty much totaled my gas guzzling car, which insurance refuses to pay for... so here i am. poor. jobless. no friends who care. no family who cares. in debt with no way to pay it off. and yesterday morning i recieved a call that my coworker that had me hustle the iphones with him had never closed out the phone plans and now has me on the hook for $1500. i cant get a hold of him, and no one at my old work has even heard from him in a month. nobody knows where he is. i dont know what to do. i havent been able to get a job to pay off the money i owe on my credit card and now at&t is expecting a payment from something i am not responsible for. I was conned into it. it feels like nothing is going my way... because nothing is... i just feel screwed over by everyone i know. i am surrounded by people who either dont care about my wellbeing or are willing to harm themselves thinking they were bettering me. on the one hand, i feel extremely alone, and on the other i feel guilty for other people, and on yet another hand, i feel like i am in a hole i cant get out of and people are just throwing dirt on my to bury me in that hole. i have $30 to my name, and i owe that to the bank. i just feel used.
i just hate my life. i wish i were someone else. i want to simply leave... go somewhere and never come back. go anywhere... somewhere far from here. leave everything behind. i need help. please... i need something to care about... something to live for.
ps... sorry this was so long... i just had a lot to say.