This is the first time I have posted here. I don't know what I expect, but maybe I just need to put some thoughts into written form. I am 47, female. I have suffered with depression since my teens. This last relapse has been really bad. The jist of it is, 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer -had bilateral mastectomy and am considered cured. That's fine. But then, in the same year, my best friend, confidant, secret keeper, pillar of my life-my sister; was diagnosed with kidney cancer out of the blue. She had a nephrectomy (kidney removal) and within two months, she passed away. My sister was everything to me, I mean my EVERYTHING. She and I were as close as any two humans could be. I had a not so great childhood and she knew most everything that happened to me. She and I confided in each other and would trust each other with our lives.
Then it happened, the depression set in, and is horrible. It has gotten better (its been over two years since it triggered) than it was. I was hospitalized once and then voluntarily went to a crisis center a nother time. Here's the thing. I am only happy when with my grandchildren. Sometimes though, I am in my dark place when its best not to have them around me, and I HATE that. I have a supportive husband, thankfully. However, he gets frustrated as he doesn't know what else to do with me. I am on medication (Cymbalta and just recently Abilify and restoril to sleep). I see a counselor. I am on disability as unable to work like this. It sucks. I feel sad most often , have zero energy, not interested in ANYTHING, don't care about things, dont have the ability to make decisions or care to, don't have any friends (I have three grown children, two of whom I talk to only occasionally about my illness). I don't want to make friends as people turn on you, and I don't trust people-would rather have my pugs by my side, I have two. On the other hand, I would like to have just one good friend , but too scared to make a step towards that. I cant think of any reason why anyone would want to be a friend of mine, I have nothing to offer anyone. Seriously. I have no clue how my husband deals with me on a daily basis (he is disabled with physical health problems of his own that are major). Most of the time, I don't want to be bothered. I want the world to leave me at peace. I go through the motions of the day, every day, until this life on earth is done. Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed with my husband, my children, and my beautiful granddchildren, whom without, I would surely perish. They are what keeps me here. I would not, could not hurt them in that way.
Does anyone ever feel they just want to "be" and that's it? Just be. I cry over ridiculous events, such as not being able to get a seat belt to work. I have crying spells where I do not have a clue as to why I am crying, I'm just SAD. I feel worthless to anyonel--and lost most of the time . I am embarrassed for my children that their mother has this type of illness. I feel weak because I can't handle things the way I used to. I love my family so so very much, and I'm so sorry for them that they have to have a mom/grandma with an illness such as this. I would do anything for my family. My granddchildren are my life. They are the only bright light in my world-along with my husband and children. I ache every single day for my sister to be here with me. Every single day. She was the only one who "got" me.
I'm sorry this is so long. I could go on, but I will stop here. If you have reached the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read it. Will it ever get better?