my husband, my best friend, my worst enemy HELP

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/8/2011 3:10 PM (GMT -6)   
My husband and i have been together for over 5 years and have 2 children. we have had some hard times and it seems after we talk we do great for a month or so and then things fall apart again. there are issues with insecurity and him going on dating sites telling the women on there that i was dead and that sort of thing as well as him having 'erotic' webcam chats with his ex-girlfriend while i was pregnant with our second child and he was stationed overseas.
he constantly made me feel like i wasnt enough to satisfy him. we went to marriage couseling and that only made things worse. so we went to a military provided couples class and it was great. we were doing well for months then he went away for a month of training elsewhere.
the first day he was back was awesome but then things went crazy. he wont look at me, we have little interaction, i dont feel a connection when having sex, and he was ********** to things that i consider disturbing when i was right in the other room and more than willing to take care of his sexual urge (even if hes the only one that gets off) and got defensive when i tried to talk about it.
theres so many questions but right now i want to know why. i need a better understanding of why he is the way he is because he feels that its a weakness to reveal things about himself. why does he do what he does when he knows it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive amongst numerous other feelings that i cant put into words right now. please help me
if you need more information just let me know and ill do my best to answer the questions i am asked...thanks so much

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 3447
   Posted 2/8/2011 3:58 PM (GMT -6)   
First of all, welcome to the forum! I think if the couples class worked, is there a possibility of continuing on with it?

I'm concerned about his behavior re the dating sites and telling others you are dead. That sends a red flag up for me. If the counselor didn't work, maybe you could suggest that either you go seperately or he goes himself. I really think he needs to get pofessional counseling regarding his urges.

Again, welcome to the forum and hope you and your husband can work these issues out.
Jon,  Co-moderator for Crohn's Disease, Depression, & Celiac Disease forums
"The man who insists upon seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides. Accept life, and you must accept regret." -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel (1821-81), Swiss philosopher, poet 
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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/8/2011 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   
thanks familyguy

we want to continue with the classes and even signed up for a retreat from the 11th thru the 14th thats paid for already...

the problem with the classes is that they only have them once every 3 months or so and my husband is very forgetful so he forgets what the classes talked about very easily...coupling that with ADHD its hard to say what the real cause is.

as for the counseling...i have tried many and they all try to downplay the situation and make me feel like its normal for a man to do what he is doing...thats why i prefer things like this...i get better advice...and the military makes him see someone they provide....he just recently told me that they think hes crazy but he either wont tell me why or doesnt know why...hws supposed to go again some time this week...i am not sure whether they make him talk about his personal life or if it is all work related things

he tends to keep to himself and doesnt like to share things so its hard telling not any rate i thank you

and im not sure how u knew i was new to the forums but thanks for welcoming me

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/8/2011 4:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Good Afternoon to you,
Welcome to HealingWell.  I am so sorry you are going through this as I am sure it is bringing you much heartache.  I suspect your feelings are going  through times of absolute resentment and anger to sorrow and sadness. Please do not feel that his behavior has been caused by you.  The lies, disception, and disrespect are his doing. 
I know it always takes two to make a marriage work but from what I have read you have doing your best to keep the marriage together. I suspect him stating you are dead hurts the most.  ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))).
It is possible that he isn't serious about the dating site, but just wanted to see if other women would be interested in him - just wants the ego boost of knowing that someone else is attracted to him. Maybe ?
It sounds like your marriage had problems before this, so I think the dating sites are a symptom, not the source of the problem. 

I have to ask you if you are happy with him?
I'm not advocating for you to leave... I'm just asking you to ask yourself what it is about him that you are happy with anyway? Is it a matter of dependency? A matter of time already invested that you don't want to lose? It sounds like before you ever even found the dating profiles you were feeling something was amiss in your relationship.
I truly hope the counselling works out for you both.
Keep on talking with us as we are here to support you.

Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/8/2011 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
you are right about the heart ache part...and thanks for welcoming me

yes there is that fine line between love and hate sometimes....i have been doing my best for this marriage but it just gets so hard sometimes...there have been many times that i have been millimeters from walking away from it but i just matter how unhappy he makes me i see something in him that keeps me here...i love everything about him but at the same time i hate it all... im just tired of the hurt and misery he causes me but then theres the moments where he shows me that he can be romantic and compassionate...i know he loves me but im not sure if hes still IN love with me...or if he ever was...but it makes it so much harder now that we have children together

you are right the dating site and his ex were not the first things that happened...those were just the most hurtful...he has always been looking for other women...and lately hes interested in well im not sure how to spell this but here it goes...hermaphrodites (women that also have the male parts) im not sure if he has a fetish or if theres something more that hes looking for that i can not fulfill for him...its hard to try and make him happy when i dont know if he can least with me...

when he smiles he lights up...he acts so goofy sometimes and makes me laugh no matter how upset i get...he never comforts me right away but he will when hes ready...he dances wildly with me and will help with the kids and hosue work (even if reluctant) and sometimes he surprises me with little things that make me feel good...but on the other hand he can be cruel and he can say some really hurtful things when hes angry (normally when i ask about things he doesnt want to discuss but over the years i have noticed i dont truly know him...he tells me things sometimes that make me realize hes got a whole other side he keeps hidden...but i deserve to know who it is that i thought i married)...

part of the problem is that he had a family that doesnt talk about problems and a mother that tries to interject herself in every situation...and his grandmother...dont even get me started...the only thing i will say is that yeah she was a great person but he compares her to me all the cooking, cleaning, problem solving, everything...that aspect has gotten better over the years but he still does itonce in a point is that he grew up in a home where there wasnt any real support and they had to learn to deal with their problems on their he is the same way and cant understand y i am not like that....why do i have to talk about everything...because I WANT AND DESERVE those just at a loss for what to do i guess

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/8/2011 5:18 PM (GMT -6)   
My heart goes out to you and I wish I was near you so I could just give you a hug of friendship.  You have so much on your plate and you do not deserve all of this heartache. 
I understand the love/hate feelings.   You keep hoping for the good times and that all the bad memories will go away.  You are afraid to leave as perhaps  things could change for the better. 
As we all have our core values pretty much set in our childhood years it is hard for you to change your feelings and yet at the same time he may not be able to talk with you as he doesn't know how.
Is there any chance he would go to counseling for himself.  Also has he ever been to a Dr. re his feelings and behaviors centered around his unhealthy obsession re hermaphrodites ?
Without knowing them, it seems like his family is dysfunctional and if your husband grew up in this setting I can see why he has different values then you. 
I hate to throw this out there too,  but it feels to me like you are in an abusive situation. Verbal abuse and putting you down is never right in my book but I have strong feelings re that...............from my own childhood.
Please know we are here and we care.
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 2/8/2011 6:52 PM (GMT -6)   
the hug would be great and i appreciate the support i wasnt expecting this and its refreshing...i thank you so much

you worded the love/hate thing perfectly and true again about the core values...but my opinion is that you have a choice to be that way...or you can change it so you are not that way...i grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family and endured every kind of abuse u can imagine as a child and teenager...and i turned out ok...but i CHOSE to not be like my family...i wanted that closeness wehn i got married and had children of my own...but maybe thats just me

maybe he doesnt know how to but i think its more that he doesnt WANT to...he is in counseling thru the military but like i said before im not sure of they make him talk about his personal life or if its just about work related things...i dont know what to do anymore thats my main thing..i mean his latest obsession does that mean he doesnt find me attractive anymore or what? i dont know how to interprete these things that he does...not anymroe

im just tired of guessing and feeling like i dont know who my husband is...tired of trying for something i feel is going to fail in the long run no matter how much effort i put into it or tears that i cry...guess im in that low spot that im afraid to be in

like i said i just dont know what to do anymore

thanks again for replying its greatly appreciated and i love the fact that its a 'peer environment'

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2010
Total Posts : 183
   Posted 2/10/2011 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
1withaquestion, so sorry for your pain, but it sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. A verbal one. I know there is a lot on your plate and having the children makes it tough to make a decision as to stay or walk away, but as long as you have your kids, you always have the option to walk away. The part of him having webcam activities and saying you are dead sounds like someone who is not going to change any time soon. People don't just say things like that about their spouse. Don't put up with that no matter what. He is not good for your self esteem and the more you stay, the more you will start to belief that you cannot do better without him. You will do better without him. It will be tough but knowing that you have your peace of mind and life back is the best feeling and freedom you can give yourself. You deserve it and I think you deserve happiness and a chance for peace. Living in this life is not peace and happiness so don't waste anymore of it. Best of Luck to you. Stay healthy. think of yourself and the kids first. Sometimes we stay in relationships like this because we feel it is best for the kids, but in reality, we are doing more harm by staying and allowing our children to see us hurt everyday and see the lack of respect between couples. This only makes them believe that relationships will be this way. Be happy and make a change for you. God Bless.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/10/2011 11:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, 1 With A Question, and welcome to the forum on depression.

I observed that you metioned that your husband has ADHD disorder.
It's possible that the illness may be causing many of his problems, and he may not want to face it; that could be the reason that he just doesn't want to talk about it. The idea that you are dead, however, is another matter altogether and disturbing to me. That's a condition that's serious.

Have you ever been in to talk to a psychiatrist alone? You may be married to a man who has bipolar illness, and it may be that he is able to control it himself for a short period of time, but unable to manage it by himself for the long haul. He should see a psychiatrist and permit himself to be medicated for the illness if that's what's bothering him. My own view is that you need to get him in to see a psychiatrist so that bipolar illness may be eliminated if he doesn't, in fact, have that illness.

Does anyone else in his family behave as he does? For example, does he have a sister or brother, mother or father who suffered from depression or alcoholism at some time in his/her life? That's one clue that you may be dealing with a bipolar illness.

As Skitt says, you are going through a serious time with abuse and you just need to know more before you make any decisions about whether to stay in a situation like the one you're in. Bipolar illness doesn't get better unless treated; only in rare and very mild cases has the illness been arrested without medication and specialist care until meds are working.

I hope you will make the effort to find the truth; he does have some
serious problems that need to be resolved.

Be careful and take care of yourself and your children.

It's Genetic
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