I'm sure what I'm going through is depression. I've been dx with it before and its back again. But I'm wondering if it's truly depression, or just a bad set of circumstances, because when things are going well, I don't seem depressed at all. Getting good news can make my mood do a total 360. So I guess I'm wondering if it's clinical or just circumstantial.
Basically, these are my circumstances:
1) I'm out of work and have been for about a year. I went back to school for medical billing/coding but I just found out I failed my certification exam. I can take it again but what a letdown. It's hard for me to get a job because I have a mark on my background from 7 years ago. I just got denied a wonderful job in the medical industry because of this after being so close to getting it. I am, however, getting my record expunged, but that won't be for a few months. That is, IF I can get it expunged. If it turns out I can't, well, I don't really see any reason for going on.
2) I'm overweight. The only self-esteem I have is negative self-esteem. Most my self-worth is tied into either having a man and having a job.
3) I am married but my marriage isn't the best. It's been abusive in the past, has gotten better, but still at times continues to be a negative.
I would never commit suicide because of 2 reasons: 1) it would kill my mother to whom I'm very close, and 2) my religious beliefs are that one will go to hell if one commits suicide. So I go on, but not because I want to.
Honestly, I feel my life is truly ruined. No, I'm not just feeling sorry for myself. I literally feel the choices I have made in life have made it truly impossible to turn things around. I will be 40 this year and should be so much farther in life than I am. My health has made it impossible to have children, so that is something I don't have. My past has made it nearly impossible to work, and I don't see literally anything positive to go forward with.
I just don't know where to turn to make things better. Any suggestions?