My husband of 11 years suffers from depression.

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New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/11/2011 12:38 PM (GMT -6)   
HI Everyone,
This is my first post here, but I have been a lurker for a few months blush

I guess I am just looking for some advice and/or encouragement. My husband of 11 years suffers from depression. We got a diagnosis over a year ago. We had gone to see a marriage counselor and she recommended he see someone on his own, so he did and he was prescribed Zoloft. When he takes his meds he is fine, but there are times that he goes off of them and those are horrible!

Our arguments have been escalating over the past year. One time he grabbed me by my arms and I told him if he ever laid a hand on me again, I was calling the police. He told me he grabbed me because I wasn't acting right. He has not pulled that stunt again.

The arguments we have often come out of the blue and are often about the same topics.

The last argument we had was almost two weeks ago. When we argue we give each other the silent treatment for the most part afterwards. I have found that talking to him usually causes more arguments. The silent treatment lasted from Sunday until Friday. On Sunday, the day of our argument, he called me a nasty name. He also drew on his office wall (like a little kid would do) some pictures, cryptic information (his name, ssn, dob and drivers license number) and a nasty picture and nasty words directed at me. I have not said a word about the picture to him and he has not mentioned it either.

On Friday, I told him I was tired of not talking and that I wanted to put it behind us but I wanted him to apologize first for calling me out of my name. He said that I was stupid for asking that and he was not apologizing. I dropped it and we talked a bit over the weekend and hung out in the same room together (we haven't slept together in the same room since the argument).

We have an appointment with a counselor on Thursday this week. The fact that he called me a nasty name and the fact that he will not apologize for it is just eating at me. He also told me he dropped all of his classes, I was so mad about that. I find out later he lied, I asked him why and he said "why not".
I have let a lot go and have forgiven him for a lot, but this name thing...I cannot get over it at all. Everything he accuses me of doing to him (not respecting him, being selfish, etc.) he has done to me, but I don't call him out on it, I keep my mouth shut and keep it in, but it is so hard. I am crying now as I am writing this, I cry just thinking about it. I emailed him yesterday and told him I do not want to celebrate Valentines day this year, I did not say why and he did not ask. I am just tired and frustrated right now and starting to be worried for my safety as well as the safety of my home and pets. He has punched walls before and one of his favorite things to argue about are our cats, or my cats I should say.

But I digress, I guess what I am trying to ask is this: When we go to our appt on Thursday, I was planning on making a list of all the stuff he puts me through and reading it then. I also wanted to take a picture of the drawing he did. I am hoping we can get him to start seeing a counselor regularly and taking meds regularly.
Do you guys think it would be a good idea to take the list and the picture. I don't want him to feel put on the spot in a way, but in a way I do because he is the one responsible for all of this and I am at my breaking point. I also plan on seeking individual counseling for myself.

Any advice you can offer is much appreciated :)
Edit:  I gave your thread a title.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 2/11/2011 10:42:33 AM (GMT-7)

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/11/2011 1:23 PM (GMT -6)   
First of all, welcome to HealingWell and the Depression forum.
I may have a few questions for you  just to clarify things.  I am sorry that life is tough for you right now.
When you said you have been married for 11 years - when exactly did the problems begin with your husband.  Has this been going on for just one year or longer ?
It is obvious that your husband cannot control his anger.  I can understand why you are  your  my wit's end,  tired of crying, and tired of recieving contempt and emotional neglect from the man who vowed to love and cherish you. Remember depression does not give anyone a license to be abusive.  Keep yourself safe and have an action plan if things are looking dangerous.
Getting through the day to day marriage challenges can be hard enough without trying to fix your husband or get into nasty arguments.  Are you able to walk away from an argument and not be baited by his behavior ?  It also sounds like he has some serious problems and issues if he is writing on the walls of his office,  punching walls etc.
Taking pictures and a list to the counselor may cause more friction then good in your case.  I would really like to see you have a counselor of your own to talk to about how all of this emotional turmoil is affecting you.  It does feel to me like your husband is not stable  so perhaps talking to his Doctor may be one way to help him. 
We, as individuals, are responsible for our own feelings and behavior. Your  husband is not responsible for your feelings and behavior. Nor are you  responsible for your  husband's feelings and behavior. If one of you  feels like arguing, it is your  choice. Don't get caught up  in the insanity of arguing. He has depression and I am wondering if you also have some living in this relationship.
Please know we are here for you, want you to be safe and find some happiness soon.
Many gentle hugs,
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/11/2011 2:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Kitt for your kind words, I appreciate them.

He was just diagnosed a little over a year ago, but the symptoms were going on for a many years before he took any action. I had been asking him for years to see a counselor. His mom also suffers from depression and from the signs, I knew something was wrong. But it wasn't until we finally saw a counselor and she told him that he did something about it.

I can usually tell when he is in a mood and I will avoid him so that an argument does not start. Sometimes I am not always successful :) If an argument does start and I do not like where it is going (i.e. it is one of his usual arguments or it is escalating) I will put a stop to it. I tell him I am done and I walk away. I have never told him to shut up. I told him to eff off one time over four years ago and he still brings it up so I do not say that anymore :) I just tell him I am not talking about this any more and I leave the room.

I was not aware that I could talk to his doctor, I would love to do this. I will talk to our marriage counselor next week about that option.
I do not want to embarrass him or make him feel bad during the session but I do want to make sure he is aware of how he is making me feel. I feel that I cannot tell him this unless the counselor is there. I am afraid if I tell him at home then it will start an argument and he will try to flip it and blame it all on me.

And you are right, I do feel like I am depressed and it makes me angry and sad that I am in this situation, but I know I will get through it :)

Take care,


Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 2/12/2011 5:35 AM (GMT -6)   
sending healing compassionate thoughts your way dawn. jamie.


Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/12/2011 11:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning Dawn,
You are permitted to share your husband's behavior with his Doctor.  His Doctor may not be able to talk with you re his visits with your husband unless you are the designated power of attorney or  he has signed a form allowing his Doctor to share his medical conditions with you.
Any input you can give his Dr. would be helpful.  His erratic behavior may be causing him to be dangerous to himself.
Remember to put yourself and your safety first.
I wish you peace,
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/12/2011 11:27 AM (GMT -6)   
When depression occurs in an adult, Ohio-Dawn, there's something wrong with the little child within that we all carry inside as long as we live. In my view, a psychiatrist is the way to go for treatment in cases like this. Your husband has issues with his little child within that have not been resolved, and he very likely has a genetic compononent in the illness. His drawing pictures on the wall reminds me of a two-year-old's behavior, frankly.

In reality, you probably both need to see different psychiatrists so that you may work out your own frustrations and so that he may feel free to open up to his own psychiatrist who will lead him to resolve the childhood issues that he's acting out now. A good psychiatrist may let him know that medications will be necessary as long as he lives or that once he has worked out the childhood dilemma that still haunts him he may be able to live without medications.

In depression, the intellectual levels are diminished, so before any changes are going to occur, the fog he's in must be lifted.

Does he have problems with other people? Or is his anger directed only at you? If the problem is ubiquitous among people you know, his problem is out of control. If it's with you only, chances are that he can be treated effectively and learn to work through whatever has arrested him in this way.

Skitt is right in the idea that you need to make plans to change some living arrangements if he refuses to get help, since the problem is likely to escalate without help. You were smart to let him know that you would not tolerate physical or verbal abuse.

Depression is mean to have to live with, especially if the victim is not able to be strong in managing her own inner feelings. You seem to have done very well in view of the fact that this has been going on for years. He needs so badly to have a specialist help him to resolve the anger of the little child within.

Take care and keep the folks here informed so that we may contribute to your recovery from the pain.

It's Genetic

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 144
   Posted 2/13/2011 12:26 AM (GMT -6)   
How I deal with my husbands "episodes" is I send an email to his therapist, always starting with just want to update you on the home front---and ending with I expect no reply. Thanks for your help.
This has helped a great deal. Meds have been adjusted and therapy redirected based on the emails.

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 2/13/2011 1:20 AM (GMT -6)   

It is very obvious from your post that you are seething with anger and bitterness. Counseling is an excellent idea, but in my opinion you aren't taking the right approach to it -- it sounds as if you intend to bring in evidence in hopes of condemning your husband before the counselor. I believe that you will have better success working on your marriage if you face the mirror in your own direction. I'm not saying that you are wrong, only that the approach you described sounds more like a divorce case than a counseling session.
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