Relationship - help/advice

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11.19.09
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/12/2011 10:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Lets see, where do I begin...
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now.
A few months ago he had to move to NC and he is now working at his brothers gas station.
Im pretty good with the whole 'long distance relationship' thing. It was hard at first but I mean, as long as we get to talk every day or every other day, Im fine.

Ever since he moved, we've been going downhill, then uphill, then downhill, then uphill, and now back to downhill. Except this time its just gotten worse and worse. confused
Lately we havent been talking much. He is literally ALWAYS busy. he works from morning till 11 at night and it takes a humongous toll on him. This past month hes just been going on and on about how he never has time to talk to me. He only has time to work, eat, sleep, and shower. He really doesnt have time for himself. Like, I get that, and I should be understanding when he doesnt talk to me; but i cant. These past 2 weeks we've barely talked or texted eachother and this past weeek we've texted here and there but havent talked at all which really pisses me off.

I really snapped hard on him the other day when he went to go smoke instead of talking to me on the phone. He told me that he needed it and that i wouldnt understand how he feels. When i told him to tell me, the response I got from him, is something I didnt want to hear. He told me that he feels like hes going insane. That hes depressed and at times he feels like hurting himself. I just cried and broke down when he told me this. I suggested that he talk to a counselor but he refused. I cant force him to, its up to him.

He always tries to talk to me at night when he gets home from work but hes either too tired, or he falls asleep before he even calls, which just sucks. I dont know how to cope with this without getting upset. We give eachother more attitude when we talk, we fight more, we barely say "i love you" ... that just breaks my heart. He told me that if things keep going the way they are then he thinks its best to just take a break so he can breathe and collect himself and get his life back. If that happens, i wanna be understanding but i dont know how i can cope with that.

I just need advice on everything right now. I cant turn to anyone else. I feel sad, Im depressed, now its like, when i actually DO get to talk to him, Im not even happy anymore or excited because i havent talked to him in such a long time that i lost some interest. Were both depressed. He just never has time for himself and i know i should give him that time, but when is there time for me? you know?

We havent talked or texted today and im just upset and i feel sad and i need advice and someone to help coach me in this relationship. Sorry i wrote so much, i just have so much to say. I need all the help i can get. I appreciate you all taking your time to read this...

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 2/13/2011 6:34 AM (GMT -6)   

hi, jamie here.

the long distance thing has taken it's toll. i feel that maybe some couples counselling may help. so sorry for your situation. sending healing compassionate vibes your way. jamie


SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 2/13/2011 6:36 AM (GMT -6)   
When will you see eachother again? Can you move to NC? Why didn't you go with him? Are you going to school or working somewhere?

It is hard with long distance relationships. It sounds like you are getting depressed and may need some counseling too. It would help you with these issues. And learn how to cope with him and his issues. So think about it.

Keep coming here for support. We can do that for you. I hope things get better between the two of you. I am sure that he is very busy right now. So have patience.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/13/2011 9:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Good Morning
 
Welcome to HealingWell.  You did not mention how old you are or if you are in school.  I agree with Karen, with a bit more info perhaps we would be able to add a few ideas on this problem. 
 
It feels to me that there are a fair amount of red flags in your post and I am sorry to read this.

Don’t think that one sign means things are automatically doomed, however you also shouldn’t bury your head in the sand when a major warning sign is staring you in the face, blinking, and flashing lights all at the same time.

Love is wonderful, but it also makes you lose a bit of common sense if you aren’t careful. Don’t let your heart overshadow your brain.

Hope you will share a bit more about yourself.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt


~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

11.19.09
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/13/2011 2:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm 17 and he's 18. Young I know. He's planning on coming back in the summer for good and head to college. I'm just afraid that before that even happens we won't be together. I didn't move with him b/c my parents wouldn't allow that. Which is understandable. I really appreciate you guys helping me out. I hope it continues. I know were young, I know that, but it's love; I can tell. I just need advice.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 2/13/2011 3:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Do know that when he is working, and it seems like he is working long hours, that he can't always talk or reply to a text. That could cost him his job. And can be embarrassing if you are with a customer or the boss. We weren't suppose to carry cell phones to work. So he doesn't have a lot of time to talk. I think if you lighten up a little, he will get ahold of you. This is all probably a new experience to him. Long distance relationships are hard to get through. But if he really does love you, it will work out.

Do you go to any counseling for your depression? You want to stay on top of that. You could be just sad with the situation. Therefore it would be situational and it will probably remedy itself. Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stkitt
Elite Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/13/2011 5:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Good Afternoon,
 
I'll be honest: long distance relationships don't have very good odds of surviving. It might be fun for a while to chat online and sneak phone calls, but unless there's an end in sight (when you actually get to see each other for a long stretch of time), everyone's got a breaking point.

And that's only fair when you 17 and 18,  as great as phone calls can be, they're nothing compared to being in the same room as someone you love.

I'm not saying that your boyfriend doesn't care about you, or that this relationship isn't important to him. But it sounds like he's reached his breaking point which may be  why  his behavior has changed toward you.
 
Make the most of the time you have together. Whether that time is on the phone or in person, don't waste it. Don't spend your entire hour-long phone conversation lamenting about how much you miss one another, and how much you hate long-distance relationships. Those kinds of things can be brought up from time to time, but don't dwell on the negative. Instead, focus on enjoying the time you do have together. Talk about your plans for the future, or even just the little things that happened to you throughout the day. Focusing on the negative will make your relationship feel like work instead of joyful and fun, and that will be a quick mood-killer. Sometimes it's hard to let go of the sadness, but make an effort to help one another see the good things in your relationship.
 
I went through more then one long distance relationship as a teen from 16-17 as some  of the guys I knew were in the service.  I did not make them the love of my life but enjoyed their company when they were home on leave. 
 
Remember to be kind to yourself and enjoy your teen years even thow they seem tough at times you will look back on sweet memories one day.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

11.19.09
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 2/16/2011 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I think ive reached my breaking point more than he has lol. well FYI i really thank you guys for the advice and giving your opinions and trying to help me out. i really appreciate it and it did help. so thank you. um, the other day we talked about a lot of things. he is planning on coming back in a few months for good if everything goes well, so thats put me in a good mood and hopefully everything goes as planned. unfortunately, i do not go to see a counselor or therapist... my parents dont really understand that and they think i shouldnt have a bf. so theres a enough problems with that.

i know, i do get uptight when i really shouldnt because it his HIS JOB lol, so im working on that. i just try to get busy during the day so that im not so bored and therefore im not always looking at my phone. so thats helping. Kitt, thanks for the advice, i totally get what your saying and im taking some of this.

same with everyone else, thank you guys ... i literally dont have people to talk to so you guys being here really helps me out alot. ive gotten a lil better. :)
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