Thanks for the response...
I'd like to start by admitting that even in the short time since I made the first post in this topic, I found myself desperately needing to find a way to pass my time in order to stop thinking about
things for a little while, so I appreciate the quick response... I tend to be isolated all the time, even though I live with some of my family (I simply don't connect with them on any sort of deep emotional level), and my friends (online friends, and one offline) either don't know how to help, underestimate the severity of my circumstances, or have simply become overwhelmed with how difficult my situation actually is and find themselves unable to say anything.
Also, it's been far more than two years. For almost as long as I can remember, in fact, and I've had many doctors testing me and medicating me for a variety of things, including depression, but in the end a lot more damage was done then good. I went from being a sad and lonely kid. who just wanted some people to accept him without thinking he was crazy. to more or less losing touch with myself and almost getting a split-personality because of the medications repressing things within me. It was only when my father (he has been dead for some time now) took me off the medications that I started getting my 'freedom' back, and over the next several years I more or less had to rebuild myself as a person from the broken mess that was left behind.
Also, when I say my situation is born of circumstance, I'm saying this because it's far more than just a 'bad day'. I've analysed my life quite deeply, and done a lot of soul searching, as well as recognizing the sort of life that 'people like me' usually end up living. I also lost my relationship with the one and only person who has ever truly brought joy into my life, a person who literally brought my dreams growing up to life (I got by as an adolescent because of said dreams), and I find myself unable to move on no matter how much time passes because this person is so special to me. Many people have insulted, belittled, and chastised my love, telling me shallow things like 'there's plenty of fish in the sea', but after years of trying to run from these feelings and move on, I've realized how deep and true they really are. This person means so much to me that I'm unable to continue my life's work (a story about
all my feelings, beliefs, dreams, philosophies, experiences, etc) because they're such a big part of it and the story feels meaningless without them. This story has been my one true passion for as long as I can remember.
I still have contact with this person, but I have no idea how they feel anymore, and things have been very complicated. They live very far away, and she is suffering from depression herself. Despite how deep in darkness I am myself, I've found myself ignoring my own pain because I desperately want to try and find some way to help this young woman I love with everything I am, but I don't know what I can do, and I'm constantly in pain even as I try. Many questions and answers have been left unspoken between us over there years, and even though I yearn to tell her everything, I fear what may become of it, so up until recently I have remained completely silent and 'martyred' myself for her sake. I thought for a long time that by bottling everything up, maybe she would find happiness, so I kept quiet about
my undying feelings after a while, only to realize that things have not improved for her. Many people, as I said, have insulted my feelings, but I believe that if you truly do love someone then it is only natural for it to hurt this much, possibly forever. I also don't believe that my depression is some sort of constant medical issue, because when I was with this woman (before the troubles in both of our lives tore us apart), I was genuinely happy. My life was still as difficult as it always has been, but I wasn't depressed. I felt like I was in 'Heaven' even while I walked through 'Hell'. That's truly how I feel. The troubles in my life didn't bother me much at all, because we were together.
So as you can see just from this example, there is a very clear 'reason' why I am sad, and this is only one of my problems. Ever since I was a child, many doctors made my life worse because, instead of trying to talk with me and ask me 'why' I was sad, they just assumed something was 'wrong' with me and medicated me, when the whole time it made perfect sense for me to be sad. People with sad lives will only naturally be sad. To me, that's common sense, but because 'professionals' couldn't understand that, my childhood was destroyed and vast amounts of psychological trauma were done to me. Even now I'm unable to relate to my family because they just can't understand me or my troubles, no matter how hard I may have tried in the past to
open up, so my home life has very much become and isolated and silent repression where I have to more or less not talking about
my feelings with anyone because I get chastised anytime I try to. Adding to this, I have severe physical problems which seem to resolve around my joints, and it's full body. I am in extreme amounts of pain just from standing up, moving my fingers, or any other movements. My joints 'pop and click' in and out constantly. Doctors have been unable to work out what is wrong despite many tests being done. I more or less have to just grit and bear it because my painkillers do virtually nothing.
This is just a handful of my troubles, and I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure if I've explained them very well because I'm unused to this sort of thing, but as you can see there's plenty of 'reasons' for sadness in my life, and many of these problems don't seem to have any form of solution. Adding all of that to the fact that I constantly have people abusing me in online communities, and it is a lot for one person to have to deal with alone. So I didn't want to appear as 'hostile' towards you mentioning the whole 'medical' thing, but I hope you can understand that there's a reason for my skepticism about
it. I don't believe that seeking treatment for depression is going to solve all of the very real and tangible underlying problems in my life. This is, again, why I was not sure if I belong on this forum... I came looking for support of a different nature, I fear.
Thank you again for the quick response, and I apologize for how long this post is, but I felt it might help people if I gave you all a 'rough idea' of what I'm currently conflicting with. This has been all going on for a very long time.
Post Edited (solitaryangel1983) : 2/15/2011 5:42:15 PM (GMT-7)