Thank you, Karen.
When I went to see a psychiatrist, we didn't get very far into the topic of "hearing voices" because, in my mind, it's a taboo topic. You don't talk about it or there's lots of shouting and general crass. When she sent me to talk to "the special doctor" which I think was to see if I needed medication, I basically closed up, things I sort of hinted at but never talked in detail about.
I try to stop talking to myself, but I've already started again before I realise it. I'll be talking.. I dunno if it can be considered a voice, I think it can, I think it is.. to this voice and then we'll argue and then it'll click in my head what I'm doing and I'll try and stop myself, which usually ends with me shouting at myself to stop talking and stay quiet. Wahey for weird looks. There are a lot of jokes amongst my friends about some of the things I do, naming and talking to certain objects as though they have personalities, and sometimes I wonder how much they realise is a joke.
I could have said with relative certainty a few years ago that I thought I was depressed, and back then, I didn't know about anything else really. Things were pretty crass at the time with everything that was going on and no real help, but then all of it could be down to what's going on in my head. Which is why I struggled to talk openly to my psychiatrist. Because of how I was brought up, it was very much a "We're playing happy families" with every possible issue that came up, so I could never express concerns with my parents. But I sort of decided, finally, I need to start clearing up the chaos because I'm just not getting any better.
I see my doctor a week on Friday. It's a long time to stew, but it gives me time to order what words need to be said.