New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/19/2011 2:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Alright well it's my day off today and yet again, I'm stuck in deep thought again.  I'm so much better off when I'm busy working or something.  Funny thing is I'm not happy when I'm at work, and I used to be happy when I was home.  Now I get no pleasure in being home, I am just lost in deep thought all the time.  I find it so hard to enjoy stuff.
 
I just finished watching Rocky Balboa and there were some really quotes from that movie.  One of the quotes, which oddly enough wasn't one of the million inspiring ones, was one that stuck with me this time as I watched it.  His friend Pauly who worked in a meat manufacturing facility told him that "You know when you said that if a man stays in one spot too long, that he becomes that place?"  I think that's a big part of my current struggles, atleast regarding to work.  I am doing great at work but I don't "FEEL" like I'm doing great.  I had a sense of pride, a sense of self worth, a drive when I was working for my fathers business.  In my current situation, I really don't have much of a drive.  I'm a bank teller and yea I can move up and do loan servicing, or manager, or head teller, or whatever.  But I never in my life thought I wanted to do any of that.  I am not really even remotely interested in it.  One thing that is keeping me focused on holding the job is that I just got their benefits package which is great.  And considering all the therapy sessions I need, it's definetly MUCH needed.  I feel like I've had my life, everything I believed in, wanted, dreamed of, stripped from me.  I question what I'm doing there at work, on a daily basis.  That's normally when I'll make a stuipd mistake on entering the wrong number in the computer, or forgetting to initial something, or something minor like that that just makes me look bad.  I'm sure my manager/head teller probably wonders why I can't stop myself from doing these ridiculous errors.  The truth is, and I can't tell them this.  That I question what I'm doing there, why am I in a bank as a teller at 25 years old?  What happened?  Where do I go from here and how do I get out of here asap?  How can I get a sense of my self pride/worth back?
 
Well this post wasn't right after watching the rocky movie, I went to the gym afterwards and got a workout in.  I gotta tell you, I always thought every guy who hopped on the eliptical machine was a lil femanine because it looks a lil questionable.....but I decided to try it out today because I heard it was a good workout.  darn was everyone right, that thing completely destroyed my legs lol.  Anyways, that's one of the things I'm trying to do to restore some feelings of pride in myself.  I'm trying to get back into shape but even when I'm at the gym I struggle with my confidence levels.  I look in the mirror and I see a depressed man staring back at me.  I see a depressed guy with nowhere else to go or do on a saturday afternoon besides workout to try and help his depression/anxiety levels.  I see a guy who is dealing with dizzy spells/confusion/mood swings from coming off the zoloft that I just stopped taking a week ago.
 
I just wonder sometimes if it's ever going to be alright.  I'm so done with taking medications, they never did a darn thing.  And as bad as I feel now, it's about as good as I've felt in the last 2 years as well.  Because even though I might be lost in thought, depressed, quiet, atleast I feel GOOD about me for fighting through this naturally and trying to actively better myself.  I just would dig myself such a deeper hole when I would sit home and pop a zoloft and a xanax and zone out to tv for hours.  That's not the life I dreamed of as a little kid.  That's not the life I dream of now.
 
One particular area that I think a lot about lately is relationships.  I think about how is it that I'm single at 25 and have never had a girlfriend.  I think about how I got rejected 2-3 times in high school by girls that I was crazy about, and then a good one (which I had a hard time with for the last year accepting the fact that she's engaged now, even though I dont even talk to her.  How crazy is that?) was sooo into me for 3-4 years after high school and I was just friends with her.  I'd tell myself it wasn't real, that she didn't feel that way.  It eventually got to the point where her friend had to come up to me and literally tell me how big of an idiot I was being.  I take her out one night as part of a double date (one of my good friends and hers have been dating since forever so it made it more comfortable), and it was an absolute disaster.  My walls that I've put up over the years feel like they're almost impenetrable.  I have such intimacy issues I don't even know where to start.  I don't like being touched, I don't like talking about my feelings, especially those towards the opposite sex (maybe because I got shut down and took it to heart too much when I was younger?).  No idea why, but the walls don't come down for anybody ever.  I just spend a lot of the time during the day thinking that I'll most likely just wind up a old grumpy lonely man.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 2/19/2011 3:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike,

You are still young, and you are thinking way too much. You need to live life, not think about it so much, but this takes work and a lot of practice. Do you ever meditate? It would help you so much by clearing your mind. And you have to take life one day at a time. That takes practice to. And to be mindful and in focus with what you are doing. This would prevent you from making errors at work. If you look for another job, find it before you leave this one, as jobs are scarce out there and benefits are even less.

Try to look at the positives. You are working, you are young. You said you are happier than you were for two years. You actually have it rather well. You just have to learn to appreciate it. Make your job fun in your mind if you can. That takes practice too. But it isn't the situation necessarily, it is how you feel about it. And if you can find the least bit of pleasure with your job, it is worth keeping it.

I hope that I haven't offended you in anyway. It is just that we get members on here who are losing their homes, their jobs and families. For somebody to have a job and a home, you seem rather fortunate.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/19/2011 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I am definetly fortunate for having these things. But it's the feeling of being completely lost/empty/helpless that drives me crazy. It makes me think that I'll never have a job/family/home of my own. Destined to be that loser stay at home with his parents guy until he's 40-50 guy. I am so darn confused lately and feel so lightheaded. I really hope it's just me coming off of the zoloft that's doing this to me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 2/19/2011 6:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I am sure that it is the zoloft, but you might want to talk to your doctor about it. I know when we are depressed things just don't seem all that good. Do you go to any counseling? I would think about it and print off your first post on this thread. Carry it with you and let them read it. It would give them your perspective and how you are feeling.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/19/2011 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Yea that wouldn't be a terrible idea.  I just feel like I'm not even here.  I don't know what else to do, where else to turn.  Like you said I still have my family, I have a house (live with teh parents still) and I have a job.  I have some things going for me, a lot of positive things.  But I don't FEEL them, I don't even feel like me.  I look in the mirror and don't even recognize the guy lookin back at me.  I try my best with the meds, with the therapy, with everything.  Nothing works.  I feel like an absolute fraud.  I just got back from dinner with my family for my parents anniversary just now and I wanted to run out o fthe restaurant the entire time.  I was so darn nervous I kept clenching my fists.  I felt like I was in a dream the entire time I was sitting in the restaurant, and even now still.  I was also supposed to go out tonight to have a few drinks and play pool and watch the NBA all star dunk/3 point contest tonight with some friends. Guess what?  Depressed anxious Mike is sittin this one out again.  It's a recurring theme, and I'm sure sooner or later my friends are going to get itred of it and stop inviting me out altogether.  I can't even blame them.  I'm more disgusted with myself then they could possibly be.
 
I never thought it was physically possible to feel this strange.  Another odd thing too, anytime anyone brings up religion I get this intense feeling of fear.  I don't know what it is, if I'm scared of death, if I'm scared of religion, if I'm scared that this is all just a test to see if we can get to heaven or whatever.  The restaurant we ate at had religious pictures up on the walls and they bothered me, made me feel really uneasy.  Granted I was already a nervous/depressed mess though.  I fear I'm never going to bounce back from this no matter how much I try and will myself to do so.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/19/2011 8:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh and just to respond about the doctor question I can't even see my doctor until march 5th until he comes back from vacation. And now, because my father cancelled me on the family plan, and because my jobs beneifts don't kick in until march 8th, I'm giong to have to miss that appointment March 5th and book another one after that for when my benefits kick in. So I got about another 2-3 weeks to rough out before I can get any sort of professional advice. Seems like an absolute eternity for me. I'm so empty it's not even funny

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 2/19/2011 8:52 PM (GMT -6)   
sorry mate. hang in there. here for you, jamie. sending healing compassionate vibes your way.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/20/2011 12:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Jaimee, can definetly use that right about now

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 2/20/2011 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
understand. keep strong. here for ya. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 2/20/2011 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
understand. keep strong. here for ya. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Thursday, June 21, 2018 4:16 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,244 posts in 326,161 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161234 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, run_sunshine.
399 Guest(s), 13 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
tarawa, SantaZia, LifeCointosses, Tim G, acarined, sandyfeet, Paxton, ChickenArise, garyi, OriolCarol, WifeofPie, halbert, Newmommy26