I'll try and make this one post pretty short as I normally tend to get off topic a little bit. Anyways, as I've shared before with you guys I am a 25 yr old guy who's been battling with seroius anxiety/depression problems for the last 2 years. Before all these problems I was so comfortable in who I was, where I was going, what I wanted in the future and how I would go about achieving these goals.
One of my biggest goals was to move out 2 years ago, I soooo wanted to be on my own and be independent. I partly wanted this because I wanted a feeling of self worth and the other half is because well, honestly, I'm 25 years old. It's hard to do what I want to when you're living with your brothers and your parents still. I've let this stop me from really getting involved in any relationships because although I know people date and have their significant others over and have dinner/whatever with the family, that's not me. I'm an extremely private guy, and have always wanted to be out on my own before really giving any relationship a shot. I love my privacy, I guess I'm just really insecure about having a lot of people around. Another key factor was my brothers constantly having friends over, or my father having his friends over on the weekends. At times it's kind of like I can never just kick back and relax.
But those were some of the reasons why I wanted to move out and I was saving up money and so excited about potentially moving out. But now, a couple of years later, and now dealing with anxiety and depression problems that I never would have dreamed of....I doubt everything. I doubt that I'll be able to make it on my own. I doubt I'll be able to afford it, I doubt I'll be happy if I do do it, I doubt that I can handle a second job in fear that the stress/anxiety of being so busy would cripple me. These are doubts I never had 3 years ago. Honestly 3 years ago I was an absolute horse, atleast in a working sense lol. I never had vacations working for my father and no overtime, I would work all morning/afternoon/and then sometimes even into the night on holiday weeks like 4th of july and christmas. I didn't enjoy the long hours, but I wasn't scared of them. There was never the doubt of "oh my god can I make it through the day". Back then my train of thought was just "todays going to suck". Now if I have a long day I keep thinking "this day is taknig forever, Im not going to make it." These annoying thoughts are what drive me absolutely crazy.
Is confidence/faith in yourself one of the last things to come back to someone who deals with anxiety/depression? My focus/memory is a little better the last year or so then it has been in the early stages of my issues. But I still do not have that faith and confidence in myself back yet. I used to go on trips down to atlantic city to the casinos to go visit my brother by myself, he'd meet me up there and have a fun night out every now and then. Now that is honestly not even a possibility, I panic and doubt myself just a the thought of doing so. I just want that confident/strong Mike back so badly, I don't really care if I have the same interests as the old me has. I just want that feeling of knowing what I'm doing, knowing that it's what I want to do, and the most important part, DOING IT and ENJOYING IT. That's the most important thing to me right now, to get that back. I'm so indecisive and unsure about everything, I hate it.