So I guess a little background info... I'm almost 19 I used to , but havent in a very long time, I hope I dont start again, but I might and had 0 friends until about 6 months ago. So about 6 months ago I started hanging out with 2 girls who I worked with. We hung out, which I never before. We start hanging out everyday and I becoming best friends with them, especially one of them. We hang out everyday, she comes to my house, I go to hers, my mom loves her all 3 of us party together, sleep over, exchanged gifts at christmas and it was all fine and dandy. By this time I'm going out everyday and finally starting to live my life, I was sick of sitting alone or with my parents everyday after school, I finally had friends. So I also started pretty much every single day by this point and have tried the twice. Whatever, Im still having the most fun I have ever had and Im really happy. about a month ago I started getting severely depressed and I don't know why. Now I went from going out everyday, and having a best friends to me, sitting alone every night in my room getting high alone, sometimes with my younger brother. I don't know if it's me or them. Either we dont talk and hang out barley anymore cause of me and how debby downer-esk I am, or theyre sick of me, or something. But it's adding on to the depression as you could imagine, I dont think I have felt so much pain in my life. This is starting to make me physically ill. Adding onto all of this I got fired from my job, so the only money I get is from my parents which doesnt feel good. Ive never had a boyfriend so people may not think I know about love and all that shenanigans , but I do. I was, still am somewhat in love with a manager I worked with. He's only 2 years older then me btw. He's the most beautiful person I have ever seen and he is so funny, I felt like I could talk to him about anything if he would have listened, we barley talk now and obviously he didnt feel the same way towards me. I usually think about him everyday, but it's starting to get better. He sold and I always was against that sort of thing I thought, but I truly loved him, with all my heart. He slept with one of the girls who is my bestfriend, which doesnt really even bother me. All I think about these days is how lonely and depressed I am, and how I want to die. I wont kill myself but hope for my own death most days. This pain is unbearable right now. Physically I dont think Im very healthy either. Ive had a cough for literally... at the least 4 months, I get head aches, aches and pains and I just feel like crying because Im so unhappy. I want to go to a therapist but dont know how to go about it, I just dont know what to do anymore and I miss my friends. Ive been botteling up so many emotions for years now. It's sad that NO ONE in this world actually knows me and what Ive been through and no one cares too know. My life is going no where, because all I do is sulk and get now. Im just so mad, sad, lonely. Im think I might even be bipolar with the mood swings I can get, but now it's just mostley sadness in my life, I wish my friends could understand maybe then they would be my friends again, I miss them dearly. I really do. I just dont think its fair I live and have to be so sad with life. It's not fair at all. A young person who wishes for their own death isnt a very healthy one. I just really wish I had real friends, but I do miss mine.
Sorry for the edit, but talking about
self harm and drugs is against the rules. Please read forum rules...
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/21/2011 8:15:39 AM (GMT-7)