I've been having these ups and downs for the last 2 years now, in combination with extremely high anxiety/depression levels. I'm coming off the zoloft now and this is my 2nd week of no meds, and I did wheen myself off. I am having these wild mood swings though. They swing from depressive to frustration to anger to courage. Kind of hard to explain how it all happens....but here's kind of how the cycle goes.
I get down about my life, my current situation, how bad I feel.....then I start thinking about will it ever get better and I get angry. I get so mad with myself for being this much of a coward/wuss that I get myself so riled up. I force myself to go out and go to the gym to try and prove to myself that I'm not this useless sack of crap. When I'm in the gym I go all out, I run for 25 minutes, another 15 on the eliptical and about another 10 on the bike. I normally would stop and take a few breaks and take it easy, rest inbetween. This is my routine before all my anxiety/depression probs.
Nowadays, I just go at it. I run on the treadmill for like 20 minutes and quitting is never an option. I'll be running and thinking to myself that I can't do it, then I tell myself if you quit this then you're giong to quit everything else in your life. You stay on that darn treadmill and you finish it out, and not only that let's up the speed on it too. By the time I'm done with 20 minutes I almost up the treadmill to a sprint. I do this all more for my mental health then my physical health. But neither really seems to improve, well I guess sleep is coming a little easier for me since doing this so that's a positive.
I am such an emotional wreck though. I'll be sitting home and watching a movie, listening to music, and start crying. It's not like an all out balling because I don't let myself do that. I hate feeling weak so the moment my eyes get watery and I start tearing up I just change whatever it is that caused it. To show you an example of the kind of pointless crap that causes me to get so emotional....I was watching the Linkin Park concert on Fuse and the song "Iridescent" came on, and when the chorus came on I started tearing up, and my whole body felt like pins n needles. You can hear it here.
The other night I was watching the movie replacements with Keanu Reeves and when Gene Hackman says he needs a quarterback who's got heart, all heart...I lost it. Started cryin and welling up again, it's ridiculous. I don't even know what it means. I'm assuming it's because I'm so angry with myself for feeling like such a panzy that when I see anything inspirational or any song that touches on the feelings of insecurity/fear that I get upset. I even got choked up watching the movie Rocky Balboa when he's having a talk with his kid. Where he tells him that he used to be the greatest kid in the world, then when it came time for his kid to step out into the world and become his own man, that he let everyone start pointin a finger in his face and telling him he's no good. That pretty much summarizes exactly how I feel my life has gone until now. I'm trying to correct that now and trying to really dig deep and find some self respect, self pride. Put up almost an inpenetrable wall and become a rock. It's hard though, I'm such a sensitive guy and the stupidest things bother me.
I get the feeling that I'm emotionally damaged goods...