Emotionally Damaged

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Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/21/2011 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I've been having these ups and downs for the last 2 years now, in combination with extremely high anxiety/depression levels.  I'm coming off the zoloft now and this is my 2nd week of no meds, and I did wheen myself off.  I am having these wild mood swings though.  They swing from depressive to frustration to anger to courage.  Kind of hard to explain how it all happens....but here's kind of how the cycle goes.
 
I get down about my life, my current situation, how bad I feel.....then I start thinking about will it ever get better and I get angry.  I get so mad with myself for being this much of a coward/wuss that I get myself so riled up.  I force myself to go out and go to the gym to try and prove to myself that I'm not this useless sack of crap.  When I'm in the gym I go all out, I run for 25 minutes, another 15 on the eliptical and about another 10 on the bike. I normally would stop and take a few breaks and take it easy, rest inbetween.  This is my routine before all my anxiety/depression probs.
 
Nowadays, I just go at it.  I run on the treadmill for like 20 minutes and quitting is never an option.  I'll be running and thinking to myself that I can't do it, then I tell myself if you quit this then you're giong to quit everything else in your life.  You stay on that darn treadmill and you finish it out, and not only that let's up the speed on it too.  By the time I'm done with 20 minutes I almost up the treadmill to a sprint.  I do this all more for my mental health then my physical health.  But neither really seems to improve,  well I guess sleep is coming a little easier for me since doing this so that's a positive.
 
I am such an emotional wreck though.  I'll be sitting home and watching a movie, listening to music, and start crying.  It's not like an all out balling because I don't let myself do that.  I hate feeling weak so the moment my eyes get watery and I start tearing up I just change whatever it is that caused it.  To show you an example of the kind of pointless crap that causes me to get so emotional....I was watching the Linkin Park concert on Fuse and the song "Iridescent" came on, and when the chorus came on I started tearing up, and my whole body felt like pins n needles.  You can hear it here.
 
 
The other night I was watching the movie replacements with Keanu Reeves and when Gene Hackman says he needs a quarterback who's got heart, all heart...I lost it.  Started cryin and welling up again, it's ridiculous.  I don't even know what it means.  I'm assuming it's because I'm so angry with myself for feeling like such a panzy that when I see anything inspirational or any song that touches on the feelings of insecurity/fear that I get upset.  I even got choked up watching the movie Rocky Balboa when he's having a talk with his kid.  Where he tells him that he used to be the greatest kid in the world, then when it came time for his kid to step out into the world and become his own man, that he let everyone start pointin a finger in his face and telling him he's no good.  That pretty much summarizes exactly how I feel my life has gone until now.  I'm trying to correct that now and trying to really dig deep and find some self respect, self pride.  Put up almost an inpenetrable wall and become a rock.  It's hard though, I'm such a sensitive guy and the stupidest things bother me.
 
I get the feeling that I'm emotionally damaged goods...

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 2/21/2011 1:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I think this is coming from going off of the zoloft. Are you sure that you don't need some medication of some sort??? Plus the withdraw symptoms can send you for a loop. I would contact the doctor. Do you go to any counseling of any sort? This would be something that you really should talk to a counselor about and start getting better.

We all get emotional at times, but yours seems to be extreme. Really I think you need to talk to somebody.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/21/2011 2:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't see my therapist until March 5th, he went on vacation for the month. I really don't want to take any meds at all though, I hate them all they do is make me put on weight. Absolutely pointless

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 2/21/2011 4:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Does your therapist have others that you can see until yours gets back? Some mental health offices have more than one therapist. Is there a crisis line that you could contact if you need to?

Wellbutrin does not cause weight gain. Have you tried that before?

Don't give up hope. Keep trying. I think it was bad timing that your therapist is gone while you need to talk to them. But these things do happen. Try to find something to occupy your mind. This is a really difficult time of year. I think it is even harder than the holidays.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/21/2011 4:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm alright for the most part, it's just the frustration/anger problems worry me. I've gotten kind of used to feeling so down. He works out of his house so he really doesn't have anyone else that I could see right now. It's alright though I can definetly hold out until he gets back. Just going to have to add a few more tv series to my netflix so it can occcupy me a little bit lol. Been playing ridiculous amounts of video games too just trying to keep my head off of me. Works sometimes, sometimes it don't. I've heard wellbutrin doesn't cause weight gain but I just realy don't want to go back on meds if I don't 100% have to. I want to really give this a shot to come off the zoloft, this is probably just the withdrawal mood swings. But darn are they mood swings....happy to mad, mad to sad, sad to angry, ugh.

davecholly
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 2/21/2011 5:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike619er said "I'm coming off the zoloft now and this is my 2nd week of no meds, and I did wheen myself off."

By this, do you mean that you made the decision to get off the drug, or, was it done on your doctor's advice? If the former, it might be a bad idea.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Well my new therapist told me he thought that I'd be fine if I came off the meds. Granted that he is a very new therapist for me, only been to 3 visits with him. And my old psychiatrist wanted me to up my zoloft prescription. I was just dead set against it and went for a second opinion and my psychologist I go to now came recommended from my primary doctor. And he said he thought I was doing ok for the most part and said he would like to see me come off the medication and keep working through it with therapy. Just was bad timing that he's gone all this month I guess.

I'm just so angry lately, the last week or so. It's like I was so down and so numb when I was on teh zoloft, now that I'm coming off the stupidest little things just get me so worked up. Kind of scares me

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone has tried so hard and been so patient with trying to tell
you that you probably should not try to wean yourself from medications.

Since you don't know the correct diagnosis--whether it's bipolar disorder or a form of depression that is severe, I would suggest that
you talk to Bill on the Bipolar Forum. He is a moderator there and
can tell you all about the benefits of using the bicycle for exercising
and what he uses for prescribed medications.

You do not appear to be in shape to be without medications.

I.G.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 2/21/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
 
I am sorry to be the one to bring this up - duplicate post are not allowed in the forums.  You have posted this identical post in A & P. 
 
My best advice is to see your physician as the members in both forums have advised you well but we are not professionals.  Let us know what the Dr. thinks is going on with you.
 
Kindly,
Kitt 

~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/21/2011 7:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry Kitt was just looking for as much help as possible, I feel bad calling my doctor while he's on vacation. I know I wouldn't like that and I don't want to runi the guys vacation with a business call. It's only another 2 weeks...feels like forever though

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 2/21/2011 8:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike,
Please listen to everyone here. They know what they are talking about. I agree with them. Currently I am also having a difficult time and just made an appt with my therapist for tomorrow. It needs to be done and it will make me feel better. I have also been waiting for two weeks and don't have an appt until the middle of March but I could not make it til then. You really need to talk to your therapist and let him know that you would not have called unless it was absolutly necessary. And let him know about the whole anger thing. It would concern me too. And right now I also feel useless and emotionally damaged. However, I refuse to let this affect my kids to the best of my ability and it is tough!
Please take care of yourself!
Lisa
BTW...what state are you from? Just curious...

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 2/22/2011 4:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Please let us know how you are doing!

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/22/2011 6:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Lisa, I am doing alright. It's just the fact that I'm always in deep thought and worry that drives me nuts though. I worry that I'm going to snap, that I'm giong to go crazy, I worry about my anger probs and my inability to get any enjoyment from things. But I guess that's just what depression is. I had an ok night of sleep though, got about 7-8 huors in without any help from meds or sleep aids. So I think the exercising si atleast helping me in that area. I'm from NY by the way, they say if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. Maybe I just need to move somewhere where it's easier to make it lol

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 2/22/2011 6:48 AM (GMT -6)   
HA! I am headed to NY...Manhattan for my nephews first birthday this weekend. Try not to overanalyze things. It makes things worse. Try to place your thoughts elsewhere such as a hobby. Pick up a new thing. I know it is hard to do that when nothing seems to interest you. I love to scrapbook and make cards. Lately I don't want to do any of that and that is not me! Also, I read your post on the Bi Polar section. Try not to diagnose yourself. I know, it is so easy to do but it will drive you crazy in the end! I know your feeling about meds. I was totally against meds myself. I have seen what they have done to my mother. But no one was tracking her either. Think of it this way. Would you not give yourself insulin if you were a diabetic? It is a matter of finding the right thing to make you feel balanced. I just want to feel normal again and some days that does not happen. I am on Celexa and it has worked great for me. We are still tweaking it but it was better than what I was on. I need to make myself feel good for my family and my children. You need to do this for yourself too, to make yourself feel better. One thing that I have learned is that you need to be your own advocate. No one will do it for you. And you are starting to do it. There is alot of stuff out there to live for. help yourself feel better and enjoy life. And NY is fast paced. Try to slow yourself down. People watch. I find that fun! Give your new therapist a try. He is trying to get to know you and it is going to take some time. Didn't mean to preach. Sorry. :)
Take care and let me know how you are,
Lisa
PS...I am Livenlaugh...I am living but not laughing...I am trying to laugh alittle more!

hybridmoments
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 2/22/2011 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey there, what you posted sounds alot like me (minus the working out part, which I've heard is a great release) My moods have been so up and down and I tend to cry over the tiniest things in movies, shows or if someone says something sweet or sad,etc. But I'm also so quick to get frustrated and so angry, and worrying about everything....it's horrible! I know how you feel. I was on some medication...antidepressants in the past and lithium just recently because I was told I was bipolar, but I got off all those medications. I noticed when i was on some of them it quelled the symptoms but made me feel just...off..in a bad way and I hated it! After I got off the lithium I noticed my emotions came back ten fold. So I've been resisting when therapists have told me about how i need medication :/ I might be wrong but I don't know. The one thing I have been taking occasionally for anxiety/anger is small amounts of xanax which calms me down and helps me sleep. It's something to consider taking occasionally if you have issues calming down or sleeping. Best of luck!!!

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/22/2011 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
yea I think that might be a good option for me honestly, I hate being on the antidepressents but maybe a xanax at night when Im having trouble going to sleep and cant stop my mind from racing will help out. Only thing that worries me about that is that I know benzos can become addicting and have some pretty crappy withdrawals. But it's better then being up worrying/mind racing/going nuts all night. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat Hybrid, but I totally feel where you're coming from. I despise the medicines, I just want to be able to be ok without anything. That's my goal, I shouldn't need this stuff to make me feel "ok". But I have been giving more and more thought to maybe just getting something to help me relax before bedtime, might bring it up to my therapist on my next visit.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 2/22/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Xanax might be good for you Mike. Another good one to stop you from thinking at night is risperdol. It helps you sleep too. I had obsessive thinking and it helped me. And both can be used just as needed. You don't have to take them everyday. Just when you want which gives you a feeling of having more control over the medication.

Best wishes,

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/22/2011 6:48 PM (GMT -6)   
What is risperdol? Is it a benzo or is it like ambien? Never heard of that one. The important thing for me is, I don't want something that is going to constantly be in my system. I want to be able to take it as needed if I even take it at all. I don't want to know that I'm constantly on something, makes me question everything I feel/think.

livenlaugh
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 2/23/2011 3:24 PM (GMT -6)   
How are you doing today? Hope things are better for you!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 2/23/2011 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Risperdol is actually an anti-psychotic and anti-bipolar. But it is used for a mood stabilizer and for compulsive thinking. It also makes other antidepressants work better. There is also abilify (which is what I take) and lamictal (if I spelled that right). There are others but I don't know their names. They are often given to college students with a huge exam or a musical concert or something big. They take it the night before and it takes their minds off of things so that they can sleep. Risperdol of all of them is a per needed drug (as is xanax). You don't have to take it every day. But I use to think so much that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I would talk to myself because I had so much on my mind. I would think about the past and really worry about the future. So I do take mine everyday. It is just something to think about. Or you could ask your doctor about something.

If you are dead set against medications, I would learn how to meditate if I were you. It is good for mindfulness, tranquility and just plain feeling good. I meditate before I go to sleep and it really helps. Deep breathing for any anxiety. That is where meditation helps too. You are mindful of your breathing. You train your thoughts to go away. It is all up to you at this point. There are options. Reading self help books help a lot. Being proactive in your mental health keeps you ahead of the game.

Keep up the good work. Think about the options.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/23/2011 4:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the good tips Karen. I will definetly look into some forms of self help. One form I was looking into already was related to my new healthcare provider. The healtcare plan I have through my job now has a self-help mental health/depression guide. You have to go to the healthcare provider site and then sign up for the mental health guide/forum/plan whatever it is. It's supposedly this online tool that they made to help or teach good coping skills, or atleast that's what I think it is. The only thing scaring me away from it is I don't want my account to get flagged if I sign up for this, I don't want my job finding out that I'm signing up for anxiety/depression through their healthcare provider. That'll be grounds for termination real quick I feel like.

I bought a yoga dvd awhile back and it was kind of interesting trynig that out. I felt like a complete idiot (and not too manly) doing some of the stretches. Was really embarassed if my parents orbrothers would walk by my room and see me doing it so I stopped lol. I ordered that feel good book from amazon so hopefully that comes soon.

I've been doing ok the last couple of days Lisa, I have my ups and downs. I went out last night with a few friends to a bar and limited myself to 4 beers, I know I shouldn't be drinking but I have to see my friends. It's a blessing and a curse really, because when I see them I instantly get in a better mood. We start talking about basketball/football/sports/work/girls/etc. All stuff that's completely NOT anxiety/depression. I feel like that's SOOO healthy for me and I feel great when I'm around them. Granted I still have the physical feelings, lightheadedness, dreamlike feelings, lil clumsy, but I emotionally feel so much better around them. Bad part is, I kind of paid for it a little this morning, was feeling a little out of it until around like 2-3 o'clock. It is what it is though, I now have control over my drinking for the time being when Ido go out, and I honestly don't see anything wrong with havin a couple just to be social. I can't wait til the summer time where we can actually go out and I wont have to drink, go out to a batting cage, golfing, fishing, do something that I can actually be social and stay busy. Not just sit at the bar, sitting there without a drink in your hand is probably like the hardest thing in the world to do. Got nothing else to do while you're there lol.

Today I kept having those "I need to get out of this job" thoughts, but I keep pushing them off. The benefits/pay/time off is so good, and yea being a teller is extremely stressful. But so is every job, no matter where I go I'm going to have issues with something. That's what I keep reminding myself of and just trying to suck it up and try and make work the best it can be for the meantime. I just really hope I can get a good handle on this anxiety/depression stuff so I can get back to focusing/worknig towards my TRUE goals like moving out, buying a boat, getting in shape, meeting somebody and actually giving a relationship a shot (have yet to even atttempt that one), get a better job, complete my bachelors degree. These are all things that I've always wanted, and not for nothing....anxiety and depression have ALWAYS my entire life been to blame for why I never achieved them. No more though, I'm tired of feeling like a failure. It's time to strap on the gloves and come out swingin.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 2/24/2011 4:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Just got that book in the mail today, "Feeling Good" . darn is this book huge lol. I'll give it a shot tonight and see if I like it. I love the title already, clinical proven drug-free treatment for depression. My kinda therapy right there

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 2/24/2011 4:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I am so glad that you got the book and I hope that it helps you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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