I'm literally stuck in a mental prison- each day about trying to make it through it.I wake up in the morning and thats only after a few hours sleep & think not another day. It just seems like a short glimpse away when i had my dream job & the woman i wanted to be with for the rest of my life & now i just feel so repulsive and feel like i've ruined my life.
At 19 I got through all the selection tests of the Fire Service out of more than 4000 apllicants & then had a terrible accident on the training course which i had to withdraw from this spiralled me into depression & they rushed me back too early when i was clearly unwell- i didnt know this yet but my dreams of fighting fires had all but deserted me. During my lowest point i developed a gambling habit and isolated myself from my friends. I then began to fight back got tablets to improve my mood, got down the gym and got my body back & met the most beautiful girl who used to go to my school & she never knew the true reason why i was not back at work. We had a great holiday that summer & she kept saying how she would like to get a placetogether once i return to work. I tried my hardest to be put me on another course but to no avail as they had seen me when i was quite unwell. They left me hanging for nearly 2 years when they finally got a meeting together, i was so excited i thought finally thought im rebuilding my life but the union person came to my house & told me they were gonna sack me & it was best to resign rather than be sacked.
My ex always blamed me for resigning but she didnt know their was no other choice. I then tried looking for a job everywhere and found 1 at minimun wage. Last summer I worked so many hours to pay for our holiday i over stressed my self and my nans health was failing at the same time.
We had a huge argument on the holiday when i said i was going back to studying & at the end of october we saw each other for the last time.
She's broke u all contact with me & even deleted me of a social network sight like the last 2 years have meant nothing.
This month my nan died and i Havent been able to concentrate on studying- this is after getting a 100% on a biology exam to not being able to string two sentences together. I do an electricial course 1 day a week & even that im gonna fail at because im so low. Valentines day hit me hard & i literally begged her to give it another go for the next few days which isnt like me at all.
I just see another person in another dimension who didnt get injured on the course- got a house with the girl of
he loves and does the job he always wanted to do.
I have no one to turn to apart from my best mate who now owns his own restaurant & is settled with his girl.
I'm really proud of him but it just amplifys how rubbish my life has become when his is so good. I have no idea what i want to do & will never be a firefighter now. I wish their was a reset button but my life is ruined.