I've been counting down the days from my last appointment with my therapist until the one I have tomorrow. I feel like it's been FOREVER. This morning was such a rough one for me. I didn't have work until 1130 and sitting around the house makes me soooo bad. I wanted to go to the gym all morning but I couldn't pull myself to go so I just sat around and played video games all morning. I keep having thestupid self defeating thoughts that I'm no lnoger that guy who can go in the gym and lift weights and feel good about it. I just go through the motions when I go there and it's a pretty miserable experience. Used to bea ble to go by myself to the gym and workout and feel great about it. Now it just feels empty and pointless. Pretty much have that feeling for a lot of things.
When I finally got to work today, oh my god....it was terrible. I felt like I didn't even recognize anybody at work. I started getting a panic attack the first hour at work, my mind was going 100 mph about all these ridiculously stupid thoughts. about how I am so crazy, how I'm losing my mind, about how come I can't shake this dreamlike feeling. Why can't I just focus at the task at hand, why am I so confused. Two of the people at work that I'm cool with at work were trying to talk and jokea round with me ( I think to cheer me up because they saw something was up, or atleast I thought they noticed) and I was just kind of blowing them off. I was in such a ridiculous mood, it kind of got better after the first hour or two of work though. But it was pretty unbearable, I haven't had that at work for awhile now. One factor that was contributing to my anxiety was worrying about religious thoughts. I started reading a religious book last night and spent like an hour and a half reading it. When I woke up this morning I just kept thinking about some of the stuff that I read and if I started to believe it or not. Then at work I was worrying about what I was thinking about. I was worrying about why I was worrying about religion, and why I wasnt worrying about my job, or sports, or my friends, stuff that I normally am concerned with. That's what I think sent me into a ridiculous worry cycle. I can't stand this though, I totally lost my calm cool collected trait. I used to be such a laid back and relaxed guy before all of this. Now I constantly worry/panic. Makes me think that I'm schizo how much I panic and the new interest in trying to be more religious. Which I now think might not be such a great idea, I knew I always get panicked and uneasy talking about the topic. I should have known that this would happen for trying to get more involved in it.