Well I am definetly starting to realize that I'm changing so much. I don't necessarily know if it's for the good or the bad though. As I've mentioned in other posts I used to work for my fathers business for a long time and felt VERY attached to the job. I honestly still was for a long time even after switching jobs, I kept thinking that I was always meant to work in the family business and that trying these different jobs in different fields was just me lying to myself. I guess that's me labeling myself based upon my work, something that I shouldn't do I guess. Anyway, during the week my father asked me if I'd want to work for him this sunday in the shop with him and my uncle to help them out with a busy order. I really didn't want to, but I reluctantly said yes. Last night I went out with a few friends and had a few too many drinks and wind up staying out until 3 am. I slept in and didn't go to work to help my father out, i felt terrible about it today, and still do now. I still can't really bring myself to coming out of my room and facing him to talk about it. I think he knows why, and I definetly know why. I've realized today, I don't want to work there anymore. Not even 1 day. I have made some strides in showing myself that I am able to perform any job and am doing pretty decent in my current position at the bank. I think I really would like to keep giving this a shot and see exactly where it takes me in my career.
I know it's bad that I didn't show up and had to back out of work though, but I'm trying to look at it on the positive side. For awhile in the last year/2 years I would just do whatever anybody told me. I didn't feel like I was making my own decisions. Although still to a degree I feel that way, I'm beginning to regain some of my decision making slowly but surely. One feeling I'm having now too, the longer that I stay out o fthe family business, is the decrease in my feelings of guilt. I felt like when I left that I was letting them down and causing them to have to work more, felt likeI was lying to myself in trying to pursue something else. I had soo much guilt that I was walkin around with, and that was probably compounded by the depression too as well. But the longer I stay away from the business (although they do work on my property where my house is so it's kind of hard to totally avoid it lol), the better I feel. I do believe that that is a trigger for me. During my talk with my therapist we were talking about my triggers, and how to start trying to identify them. I believe that is definetly one of my triggers, and I can't allow myself to go back to work there not even for a day. I know it'd be nice to help out my family and believe me I'd really genuinely like to, but I don't want to set myself back. You work there one day and then all the guilt starts to kick in, all the memories start coming back, you get sucked into the false promises that iniitially made me work there and that kept me there for 3-4 years.
I do get a little upset though that I have this much resentment towards my family business. It makes it hard to live at home sometimes, especially a day like today where now I can't even be around my father at all in the house. It's not jus tme though, my older brother worked for them for like 2 years until he decided to go back for his doctorette upstate in albany and now works and lives in philadelphia. He had a lot of the same feelings I have, so I'm glad that it's not just me being so pessemistic. I really do believe a lot of my triggers and problems would be solved by moving out and getting my own place one day. Maybe that can be a goal of mine for the next year or two to work towards. The only fear about that idea is I get pretty lonely/depressed as it is now. I could only imagine how it could get if I was on my own.