Girlfriend is depressive/bipolar, and I'm recovering addictive...match made in heaven?

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 3/6/2011 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over five years, and boy has it been rocky! She has had depression issues her entire life (and is on medication), while I was a fairly functional alcoholic when we met—and I smoked, which she hated. So over the first few years I battled with these addictions, stopping and starting, and having plenty of arguments about it. Have finally stopped smoking for good it seems, and I don’t need a six-pack to get through the day any longer. I’ve come a long way!

But all the troubles and resentments we had on this route persist. It created a relationship of mistrust and spying, and I feel controlled and checked-up-on, and constantly suspect for many, many things: for example, she’s jealous of my ex-wife and some former girlfriends—one a redhead, and several who were buxom (which she’s not). So when these types are around in public or on TV, now both of us tense up because she expects me to gawk or leer and I know she expects that so we’re both uncomfortable.

So now the division between what she’s depressed about internally feelings of worthlessness, lots and lots of crying—and the troubles that I’m actively “creating,” or have created in the past, seems terribly blurred, such that I feel under constant pressure and confused about what my role is in her bad mood. And I probably don’t stand up well to this situation—I take a lot personally, withdraw and such, avoid discussion of problems, so that it’s all becoming a downward spiral that I can’t find a landing to crawl up from.

We’ve tried counseling several times, and she seems to stop cold when told she’s part of the problem and that our relationship is surely not healthy to either of us, and that we should consider breaking up if X,Y & Z don’t improve.
And as confused as you are at this point as to where to start with this mess, it’s really even more complex and troublesome than I’ll get into right now!

In the attempts I’ve made to break up, she has completely lost it…I do feel trapped in a way. I love her and wish I could do right and help, but I fear it’s always going to be this way, that even if it were possible for me to entirely clean up my act to her satisfaction, the “big things” would just be what are now smaller things. And I’ll always have the past perched precariously over my head.

I don’t know if anyone has any helpful advice, or tips on how to at least reduce the turmoil, but it’s been interesting to write out and sort of itemize where I am and what my issues are. On a day to day basis it’s all just a vague scattershot of trouble I try to avoid….

Thanks for taking the time to read.


Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/6/2011 11:40:00 AM (GMT-7)

Precious Gem
Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/6/2011 1:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you have done alot of hard work over the years, getting sober, etc. Sometimes relationships are toxic. We just feed off of the others problems. You are right this is not a healthy relationship and it will take hard work on both parts to redeem. The question you have to ask yourself, "is it worth saving?" Do you think you would be happier alone for a while? If you feel trapped I am sure you are not really where you want to be right now. Whatever you do, it is your life. Make good decisions for yourself. You probably know in your heart what you want, that is what you have to follow. You are not responsible for your girlfriends happiness, she is.

This is one of those situations really no one can help you, you have to make the decision about your lifes path.

Good luck.


getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/6/2011 1:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Skies,

Welcome to the depression forum. It sounds like you take responsibility for some of her feelings, thinking you should be able to fix things. The truth is that you probably can't. She has to fix things on her own. You said that she gets to where she doesn't want the counseling when the counselor tells her she is partially to blame. Well, maybe she is. She has to take responsibility for her part of it. You can't shoulder it all. Are you going to any counseling for support? I think that you should be.

I had to edit out a couple words in your post as there are some things that we are not to talk about. The self harming and suicidal thoughts are against the forum rules to be posted. I hope that you can understand. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. But it sounds like she needs serious attention to these problems. Please persuade her to work on herself and continue counseling.

I hope that things work out for the two of you. I can't predict which way it is going to go. But it sounds like you both truly love eachother. Best wishes for a good day.

Hugs, Karen
I wanted to add, that it is possible that you two are codependant.  That is something worth reading about.  It happens a lot with addictive personalities.  Do check it out.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 3/6/2011 11:47:11 AM (GMT-7)

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