I’ve been living with my girlfriend for over five years, and boy has it been rocky! She has had depression issues her entire life (and is on medication), while I was a fairly functional alcoholic when we met—and I smoked, which she hated. So over the first few years I battled with these addictions, stopping and starting, and having plenty of arguments about
it. Have finally stopped smoking for good it seems, and I don’t need a six-pack to get through the day any longer. I’ve come a long way!
But all the troubles and resentments we had on this route persist. It created a relationship of mistrust and spying, and I feel controlled and checked-up-on, and constantly suspect for many, many things: for example, she’s jealous of my ex-wife and some former girlfriends—one a redhead, and several who were buxom (which she’s not). So when these types are around in public or on TV, now both of us tense up because she expects me to gawk or leer and I know she expects that so we’re both uncomfortable.
So now the division between what she’s depressed about
internally feelings of worthlessness, lots and lots of crying—and the troubles that I’m actively “creating,” or have created in the past, seems terribly blurred, such that I feel under constant pressure and confused about
what my role is in her bad mood. And I probably don’t stand up well to this situation—I take a lot personally, withdraw and such, avoid discussion of problems, so that it’s all becoming a downward spiral that I can’t find a landing to crawl up from.
We’ve tried counseling several times, and she seems to stop cold when told she’s part of the problem and that our relationship is surely not healthy to either of us, and that we should consider breaking up if X,Y & Z don’t improve.
And as confused as you are at this point as to where to start with this mess, it’s really even more complex and troublesome than I’ll get into right now!
In the attempts I’ve made to break up, she has completely lost it…I do feel trapped in a way. I love her and wish I could do right and help, but I fear it’s always going to be this way, that even if it were possible for me to entirely clean up my act to her satisfaction, the “big things” would just be what are now smaller things. And I’ll always have the past perched precariously over my head.
I don’t know if anyone has any helpful advice, or tips on how to at least reduce the turmoil, but it’s been interesting to write out and sort of itemize where I am and what my issues are. On a day to day basis it’s all just a vague scattershot of trouble I try to avoid….
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/6/2011 11:40:00 AM (GMT-7)