Help: Coping with depression all alone with three step kids and husband who is always gone

Can someone please help me!!!?!!!
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bluehunny2x
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/8/2011 7:44 PM (GMT -6)   
A couple of months ago I was dianosed with depression.  I went on FMLA, couldn't really go to work and the whole time I was off I barely did anything.  I didn't have the energy and with three step children it was hard. I went to a few counselors, both for just myself and a few times to marriage counseling which "seemed" to have helped.  I started to kind of feel better but when about to return to work broke my foot and have been bed ridden.
 
The problem I have is that I am afraid that the biggest problem with my depression and spells is my husband who I love so very much.  I have always been head over heals for him.  I moved away from friends and family in Florida to be with him and left my job to move to Ohio.  I loved him that much and have three kids now (their biological mother took off to another state).  I have a great relationship with the kids, they call me "Momma" and such.  I do all the things a mother would do.  When I do something I always give it my all, and I have done no different in being a parent to all three.  In the process I found so many challenges I had not ever considered.  On some occasions dealing with the ex.  On others I feel like I have completely lost myself.  I went from being so motivated/motivating to not being able to get out of bed and get dressed anymore.  I'm about to lose my job, and the worst is that my husband doesn't really understand and doesn't communicate or listen to my needs.
 
He's told me that he regrets me.  I asked for him to not talk to me like I am a child the other day and then he told me, "You are a child."  He's disrespected me countless times in front of the kids, such as not wanting to wait for me to get ready so he took off with the kids in the van and left me crying on the sidewalk and calling him to come back and get me.  We get in such a fight that in front of my family at Christmas he said he was booking a flight to go back home which would mean he wouldn't spend the holidays with us.  He tells me I act like my dad and have a pity party and think myself into sadness.  I get so upset when he compares me to my father which is an amazing man and he knows that, but, my dad does suffer from some sort of depression in my opinion and is very negative.  He is upset at how I complain about the kids not behaving at times, which I tell him when I finally get to see hm after he gets home around their bedtime every night after I have worked as well and taken care of their homework and stuff.  It's just weird and I feel like I can't do anything to make anyone happy.  I can never do enough.  Even just this weekend we went to his families house in Pennsylvania.  I did his mom and dad's laundry as his mom was in the hospital and I wanted to help out.  I, however, was rude because I left my thong and my pajamas on the floor of the bathroom.  It seems like everythig I do positively gets unnoticed but then he expects me to be positive.  I feel like I need help and he tells me that he is sorry sometimes for what he says but he acts like I am just supposed to say, "okay, apologies accepted! I'm all better now!"
 
He also compared me to his ex and said he doesn't want to deal with this for another 10 years like he did before.  Then the next day he gets me flowers and says I am an amazing woman.  I just don't know why he gets upset and says these things and then takes it back.  I feel so emotional and sad all of the time like I've lost control.  All day today I have cried and that's just annoying to him so I take a pill to calm down before I see him.  I'm taking care of the kids and running one here and another there and I haveyet to receive a phone call when his work hours are from 8 to 5 but he works late all of the time.  Just sad.  I want more thhan anything for this to work but it's hard to make a man happy when you are suffering so much.  I feel like I am a terrible person so I'm just kind of confused if he feels this way about me and that I am the one who needs to be helped or that I am not those things and he is the one who needs to change.  I can say we both have our issues, I am not perfect and have been negative especially lately but I can see why and how I have gotten this bad.  Oh my gosh please help!  I just hate myself and I am so depressed.
 
I do want to mention that when things are good they are great. He's great to my family and some times good to me.  He is however terrible at recognizing the needs of his kids and neglects mine.  I know he is only one person, but, I've tried to explain that if we have a problem that we can talk about that problem.  Going and calling me psycho or insane or a child is not going to help anything.  If anything it will leave scars and leave me at the house just repeating those words over and over in my head what a terrible person I am while I take care of kids that aren't even mine while I suffer in silence.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/9/2011 7:52 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like your husband is nice some of the time, but kind of emotionally abuseive the rest fo the time. I would try couples counseling some more. You married a family, and that is tough. He is treating you as if they are your children and your care is to be expected. You are diong great with the kids by the way. You may need some different medications too to help you. And more counseling. You are in a tough spot, I dont' blame you for being upset. And without counseling it could continue to be hard for you for a long time. Get some help and support. Learn to be assertive with him. You are doing good things and need to feel good about what you do.

The name calling is uncalled for. But by the time he gets home, you could be on the defensive which makes it hard for him. He does deserve some time out, but so do you. Getting defensive is only natural. If that is what is going on. I don't know how you act when he finally comes home, I would be steaming, but I don't know if that is the proper approach.

Keep posting. Get both of you into counsleing. I want to see this work.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bluehunny2x
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/10/2011 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for taking time to respond.  I guess it makes me feel better to finally not hear it is all my fault!  I do love him but I'm worried now that he is entering depression.  I told him how I felt over text which seems to work since we're not yelling and he finally started to talk.  However, the whole time he was saying he just wanted to crawl into a whole and die and that he wishes he wasn't alive anymore and that he can't do anything right.  It seems that whenever I really need him to listen I feel bad for feeling how I do and he gets upset and sad and says stuff like this.  I do need to find counseling but none of it seems to work.  At this point, I've had to call out twice this week from work (off again today) because I just can't handle one more blow to my self-esteem and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.  Life freaking sucks.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/10/2011 1:22 PM (GMT -6)   
You shouldn't have to feel like you are walking on eggshells, does he get upset that easy??? Could you talk him into going to counseling? It does sound like he is depressed too. I really think couples counseling would help you both. And you need to be able to spend some time together alone too. It is hard with three children that are step children. I feel that you treat them good and that you are a good mother. Is there anyway that you could do some relaxing at night, like a nice bath or some alone time? That would do you good and replenish you. Keep seeking therapists. They really do help when you find the right one.

And keep posting. We are here to support you. Know that this isn't your fault, it is just the way that you are feeling right now. Be proud of who you are and what you do. Try to keep that job. That could be what keeps you going. Unless there is pressure and stress there.

Know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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