A couple of months ago I was dianosed with depression. I went on FMLA, couldn't really go to work and the whole time I was off I barely did anything. I didn't have the energy and with three step children it was hard. I went to a few counselors, both for just myself and a few times to marriage counseling which "seemed" to have helped. I started to kind of feel better but when about to return to work broke my foot and have been bed ridden.
The problem I have is that I am afraid that the biggest problem with my depression and spells is my husband who I love so very much. I have always been head over heals for him. I moved away from friends and family in Florida to be with him and left my job to move to Ohio. I loved him that much and have three kids now (their biological mother took off to another state). I have a great relationship with the kids, they call me "Momma" and such. I do all the things a mother would do. When I do something I always give it my all, and I have done no different in being a parent to all three. In the process I found so many challenges I had not ever considered. On some occasions dealing with the ex. On others I feel like I have completely lost myself. I went from being so motivated/motivating to not being able to get out of bed and get dressed anymore. I'm about to lose my job, and the worst is that my husband doesn't really understand and doesn't communicate or listen to my needs.
He's told me that he regrets me. I asked for him to not talk to me like I am a child the other day and then he told me, "You are a child." He's disrespected me countless times in front of the kids, such as not wanting to wait for me to get ready so he took off with the kids in the van and left me crying on the sidewalk and calling him to come back and get me. We get in such a fight that in front of my family at Christmas he said he was booking a flight to go back home which would mean he wouldn't spend the holidays with us. He tells me I act like my dad and have a pity party and think myself into sadness. I get so upset when he compares me to my father which is an amazing man and he knows that, but, my dad does suffer from some sort of depression in my opinion and is very negative. He is upset at how I complain about the kids not behaving at times, which I tell him when I finally get to see hm after he gets home around their bedtime every night after I have worked as well and taken care of their homework and stuff. It's just weird and I feel like I can't do anything to make anyone happy. I can never do enough. Even just this weekend we went to his families house in Pennsylvania. I did his mom and dad's laundry as his mom was in the hospital and I wanted to help out. I, however, was rude because I left my thong and my pajamas on the floor of the bathroom. It seems like everythig I do positively gets unnoticed but then he expects me to be positive. I feel like I need help and he tells me that he is sorry sometimes for what he says but he acts like I am just supposed to say, "okay, apologies accepted! I'm all better now!"
He also compared me to his ex and said he doesn't want to deal with this for another 10 years like he did before. Then the next day he gets me flowers and says I am an amazing woman. I just don't know why he gets upset and says these things and then takes it back. I feel so emotional and sad all of the time like I've lost control. All day today I have cried and that's just annoying to him so I take a pill to calm down before I see him. I'm taking care of the kids and running one here and another there and I haveyet to receive a phone call when his work hours are from 8 to 5 but he works late all of the time. Just sad. I want more thhan anything for this to work but it's hard to make a man happy when you are suffering so much. I feel like I am a terrible person so I'm just kind of confused if he feels this way about me and that I am the one who needs to be helped or that I am not those things and he is the one who needs to change. I can say we both have our issues, I am not perfect and have been negative especially lately but I can see why and how I have gotten this bad. Oh my gosh please help! I just hate myself and I am so depressed.
I do want to mention that when things are good they are great. He's great to my family and some times good to me. He is however terrible at recognizing the needs of his kids and neglects mine. I know he is only one person, but, I've tried to explain that if we have a problem that we can talk about that problem. Going and calling me psycho or insane or a child is not going to help anything. If anything it will leave scars and leave me at the house just repeating those words over and over in my head what a terrible person I am while I take care of kids that aren't even mine while I suffer in silence.