I have been this forums for a few days, see some one upset about their parents and see some one really needs help form their parents. This triggers a big part of guilty inside of me. thinking back to when I just had my baby boy 15 years ago, I was able to love him completely. Until he was 2 years old, marriage crashed, a hard divorce on custody issue. I had a full time unstable job with lots of stress, a often sick toddler with no one watch him besides daycare. I was mentally, financially, and emotionally stressed out and lots lots of worry and scare(no relative in the state at all) . besides lots of kiss and hugs to my boy, I yelled him, I spanked him when he didn't do what I wanted him to do, I cried in front of him sometimes, I truly think these are abusive behave. even thought I feel sooooo guilty after I being nasty to him, but I just can't control when I had a buster. I didn't know I was depressed and have anxiety, all i know was I am a horrible mother. When my boy reach 10 years old, I met and married a wonderful man who is totally supportive and loving us. My life is lot better since then. But, with a high expectation for my boy, or wanted him get disciplined， I still yell at him when I was not able to control myself. I am surprised that i never think i was not health that need seeking outside help. The strong love and the willingness of denotation made me a *****y mother. I hate myself so much. Until recently, i read some great book talk about how to raise boy that I know more about what boy want and what boy needs, I realized i didn't so many wrong things. I cried many times in my heart to ask my boy forgive me for all the harsh behave and language I gave him. also now, my son and I are very close and we spend lots of time together and he loves me but I just can't forgive myself. those abusive behave that I did to my son, is something i even can't tell my shrink because I am too shameful. I feel Relieved now after I typed up this confess. I want ask my son to forgive me and I want ask anyone here who had issue with their parents to forgive me. I don't think I ever will forgive myself until I see my son is living a happy life. Now My son suffer from depression which I know I am the part of reason. The only thing i can do is try my best to help my son recover from depression. May God give me and give my son strength!
sorry for the long post.