Severely Depressed

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mes1970
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/10/2011 2:11 PM (GMT -6)   
My very worst moments are here. Laying in bed at night, the psychic pain is unbearable. The feelings of isolation and loneliness and failure and self-hatred overwhelm me.

I am completely alone. I live alone. I have almost no one. I have no friends any more. I have a mother who is unable to provide the kind of support or empathy that I need.

I was laid off in September of 2009 and I'm almost out of money. I will lose my home. I have no health insurance, so no doctor. No affordable way to get medication. When I was on medication before, I stretched it out until September of 2010. It's been slowly down hill ever since.

I have lived life as a series of wrong choices. When I look back at my childhood, I know I never had a chance. At 40, I don't see how I can fully recover. I have a job lined up, but it barely pays more than my unemployment. I will be making almost half of what I was earning, and the job itself will be terrible. I've done it before. In this economy, I have to fall back on jobs and experience I've already had -- most of them terrible.

On September 10, 2009, I was a technical writer for a private jet company. I didn't like that job very much, but it paid a good salary and at least I was sort of doing what I'm most good at--writing. Had I made better choices, I would be working in a publishing house or writing my own fiction or both. On April 4, 2011 I will be a customer service representative again listening to people complain about their bill -- and then I'll have to try to sell them something. Self-hatred and despair may consume me until I'm nothing but ash.

I'm a bright person who never studied in high school, was able to make it into college with a high entrance exam score, and then squandered all of those opportunities. My Mother, the only real parent in my life, never became actively involved when I was a teenager, when I needed it most, when I needed to understand how truly important education really is. A BA in English gets you squat in an economy like this.

These are just random thoughts about my depression and my failures. I've never felt pain this bad.

How do you crawl out of the psychic pain? That's what I need most. To crawl out of the pain. I don't have the finances or insurance for drugs any more. Even when I have the job, I won't. In fact, when I sign up for insurance with the new job, if I do, I'll actually be netting less than what I'm "earning" on unemployment.

It's pathetic, and tragic, and very very sad. Thanks for reading.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/10/2011 1:46:16 PM (GMT-7)


Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/10/2011 3:56 PM (GMT -6)   
OK, now you have aired your negative feelings about your life and yourself.  What is the flip side?  Take one whole 24 hour day and do not let yourself dwell on anything negative, if you find yourself starting to think like that just stop just for one day.  Now for that day, what are the positive aspects that began to filter in because you have put a temporary stop to the negative?  There are probably more than realize.
 
It sounds like you need to look at things from another prospective which I know is hard to do when you are depressed.  Please visit a website called Attitudinal Healing.  Dr. Jerry Jamposky has some remarkable thoughts on healing and has been in a very depressed place himself so he really knows what he is talking about;  ie depression, blaming your parents, your job your choices etc.
 
Sweetie, I hope your situation improves soon.  I truly know how it feels but there are help and hope.  We have all made bad choices, it is up to you not to repeat the past so your future feels much more comfortable to live in.
 
Gem

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/10/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mes1970,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am glad that you have joined us. I had to take one sentence out of your post as it could be disturbing to other members here and we aren't allowed to discuss suicide. I hope you understand.

First of all, have you tried the Department of Human Services to see if you are eligible for medicaid or any other help? If you are, it would help you with the doctor's appointments and medications. Also there is a drug discount program that helps you with medications. My doctor often gives me samples so that is another option. And many mental health facilities operate on a sliding scale and that can really lower your costs. If I can remember, I will also post some sites that will help you. I am on quick reply and they wont turn blue when I post them. I am going to post them anyway. The other way you just have to click on them, this way you will either have to type them in or go to copy and paste.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

These are sites that help with depression and they are free.

You need to let go of your past and the reason that you are depressed. You have acknowledged it and now it is time to work on yourself. Can you apply for other jobs that pay better? I am sorry that you have to take a job that pays less than your unemployment. That just doesn't seem right. I would keep my eyes open for something better in the meantime. But do remember you will feel better about yourself because you will be working.

Being that you are bright, and you are, you know when you are at your full potential. You said that you could of studied harder in highschool, well maybe now you are capable of doing more than you are. Is there any hobby or craft that appeals to you that you could start doing? It would give you a feeling of accomplishment and that would help you. Or even volunteering at a hospital or nursing home to help yourself feel better about yourself.

I truly recommend checking into seeing if your local mental health facility operates on a sliding scale, you can get an appointment as low as 10.00 if they are. I am sure that you are eligible for help. I hope that the sites help you some. Many of us are reading a book called Feeling Good and it is helping us. You can get it used on Amazon. For about 6.00 or so.

Try not to blame your mother for your problems. That will only cause you to resent her. Know that you are an adult now and that you have to work with what you have. You might have to start from point blank, but it is a start. Actually coming here is a start because you wrote your problems out and that is very therapeudic. I hope it helped you to feel better.

And try not to feel like your choices in the past make you a failure. You are not a failure, and maybe you made the wrong decision, but you learn from that. It is a part of life. The grass always looks greener on the other side. We tend to forget about what we have and we worry about what we don't have. You are a very capable person. And things are going to work out for you. It just takes time and patience. Try to take life one day at a time. Try not to dwell on the past or worry about the future. Take life as it comes and try to live in the moment. Also try to enjoy the little things that we often overlook. They are there.

Most of all, you are never alone, you have you. And that is a good person to be with. Work on your self esteem. You are intelligent and a good person and that is very important in life.

Keep posting and know that we all do care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

mes1970
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/10/2011 5:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks to you both, Karen and Gem. Reading both your responses moved me to spontaneous tears. Just your simple acts of responding to my post account for more honest and well-intentioned words of help and hope than I've received from anyone since I lost my job. Prior to my job loss, I had begun seeing a psychologist, had seen him maybe 8 or 10 times, and he was of some help, as were the drugs I was eventually prescribed. After some trial and error, Zoloft made a significant difference by stabilizing my emotional ups and downs. That psychologist, with 30 years of experience, indicated that after intake testing, I measured in the top 5 of most depressed individuals he'd ever encountered. One aspect in particular was "off the charts."

He was somewhat blunt, but he was and is a good man. I know he was trying to get me to see how serious my illness was and, unfortunately, still is. I think lots of men like me have strong tendencies, perhaps more so than women, to sweep issues back under the rug-- especially if medication tends to help.

I know that's not the right thing to do, though. The sweeping under the rug.

After I posted originally, I did start thinking more positively, like Gem suggested. Thank you, Gem. I made an appointment with my old doctor. I found out his non-insurance appointment fee is much less than I expected. So I made an appointment to get back on the Zoloft. I just pray it's as effective a second time. I may never go off it for the rest of my life.

I've never felt such intense emotional pain as I have for the last few months. It's paralyzing. In the past week, it's been at its worst, even though I get on the treadmill sometimes, trying to exercise, as people say it helps. It helps me for an hour or two, but that's about it. I enjoy the hour or two.

I know everyone is different, and I know that a lot of people, especially those once on medications, often scoff at their effectiveness and bemoan the dependency on chemicals to live a better life. I'm not one of them. Not after being on the Zoloft.

I also know that I ran out of the pills last September, just in time for my SAD to kick in. I thought about buying a light box but didn't want to spend the money. Perhaps I should have. I joined a hiking club today, and the first hike is later this month. I'm not a recluse by nature. This has to stop.

I wonder if the fact that I've been exercising, have lost some weight, have joined a hiking club and plan to attend a men's discussion group in a week or so are all signs, ironically, that I'm recovering. I don't really know if I'll go to the group.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone to love me who isn't already as broken as me. To become healthy, and to stay healthy, I'll need someone who already is.

I'm ready to let my home foreclose. I'm going to try to sell it, of course. I'm a guy with an 800 FICO score. My sense of ethics won't let me just abandon it. But if I lose it, I lose it.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for your thoughts and your suggestions.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/10/2011 5:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Mes,

I am so happy to read this. You are actually now on your healing journey. We are here to help along the way. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/10/2011 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hiking club? Awesome. Now do it, even if your feet feel like lead, do it. I bet a few paces in to it and you will start to feel differently. If you feel good an hour or two after you exercise that is a good sign, just mix up what you do to keep it fresh. Getting out into nature always, always makes me feel better. Sounds like you are taking positive steps, that is what it takes to be healthy. I am glad you are seeing your Dr. and if the meds make you feel better, that is great. I know a lot of people are losing their homes and I have lost one in the past as well, it can be heart breaking but a house is just a material thing that can be replaced. Honestly, as awful as it was for me at the time and as bad as my life felt at that moment, looking back, so many good things happened to me after that, that would have never happened if I had not hit a low point. I am sure you will still have days when things are not going forward as fast as you would like, but just push through it and get to that next good day.

Keep us posted and please know that all the good people at Healing Well, really do know what you mean.

Good Luck,

gem
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