Emotional infidelity

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Amamba
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/10/2011 8:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I've been feeling pretty desperate and depressed these last few days and have no idea what to do.  I recently found out my husband has been having an emotional affair with another woman in his class.  He told me he even pictured sleeping with her...My husband has always been a very friendly person and didn't seem to realize he was doing anything wrong until then....luckily he did tell me about it and seems to feel bad.  He told me he's pretty sure she likes him back but that he wouldn't ever "actually" do anything.  Our marriage has always seemed verry strong to me and has already withstood allot.  I honestly didn't think we had any signifiicant marraige problems that might lead him to seek someone else out...Then again he didn't seek her out she just so happened to sit next to him in class.  He's been talking about polygamy and how in the bible people were polygamysts...I told him I would never be ok with it....He also ended up admitting to me later on that he started manipulating me and trying to plant specific ideas in my head to get me to leave.....I'm so confused he tells me all these things and says he dosn't want to split up and I honestly have no idea what to do...I havn't eaten hardly anything in the past 3 days...as a matter of fact I havn't eaten anything all day and its already past dinner time...I always knew that if my husband was ever to cheat on me it would start this way, with something he orrignially thought was just an innocent friendship.  I've never been able to seem to get him to understand why I don't like him to hang out with other girls, text or chat them on facebook...and he still dosn't seem to understand it, and I don't know how to solve any of this...  However I won't leave him, I think he might want to fix this and I don't want to split up.

KKO
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/10/2011 10:30 PM (GMT -6)   
HI
this is my first post

NO, they do NOT think that it is "significant".... IT IS ADULTERY(as a man thinks , so he is)
and it is NOT "natural" for me.. he needs to be a man of character.... even if [you] had 4 million affairs that would NOT justify him having any..... YOUR fidelity is not based on him. vice versa!

My heart goes to you. I've been through this. It did get worse. At least he confided to you.
NOW
he needs to make himself accountable to someone.... if you have a good dad or brothers or uncle that is best that he is responsible to someone who sincerely has your benefit at heart and is NOT prejudiced (that means that just because he is your dad he can't beat the crap out of someone who would "hurt his little girl".... it needs to be a grown up.... but YOU are not his police and it IS his "gift " of fidelity to you.

INTIMACY BELONGS TO THOSE WHO DO THE HARD WORK... of relational intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy and THEN physical intimacy (the relational is the him reporting to your dad or relative or pastor)

HE has to take the initiative to fix this.
and YOU need to take the initiative to fix whatever you need to deal with to make you strong , healthy and wise!
<3

davecholly
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 3/10/2011 11:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not sure which is harder to deal with -- emotional relationships or physical relationships. I suppose it is different for different people.

Please understand that I am shooting from the hip here, but it seems to me that emotional relationships are likely very common. Blending the "I really like this guy/girl" with "I want to have sexual relations with him or her is wherein the situation becomes out of control for married or otherwise attached people.

While in undergrad school, I had what I thought to be a purely platonic relationship with a fellow student who was ten years my senior. She was married and had children, yet she willingly went to a bar with me to discuss poetry. [It was the class we had in common].

Driving back from a night of drinking, she told me that she and her husband had come to an understanding about having sex with other people while remaining committed to their marriage. Still regarding her as a platonic partner, it didn't even sink in with me that she was throwing out an offer to have sex with. That I realized the next day while thinking about her statement. Although I liked her and found her attractive, I began to separate myself from her company, and nothing physical ever happened between us. After all, she was a married woman.

I don't think platonic relationships are a violation of ones marriage vows. It is when lust arrives that the relationship begins to go too far for a married person.

That your husband confessed to you his feelings for her corroborates his belief that it is innocent at this point. It also seems to indicate that he has an inkling that maybe it isn't innocent after all. Why else would he even bring it up.

You are entitled to be jealous of his relationship simply because his feelings for her have progressed beyond the platonic. If your marriage is strong, one of the two of you will have to make a change. He will have to stop his relationship with her to prove that he is loyal to you and doesn't want to be the cause of you feeling depressed [and probably angry and afraid]. That, or you will have to accept that men often become physically attracted to female friends even though they have no intention of taking it any farther. Of the two options, I believe him taking action to severe ties with her is the easiest to accomplish. Jealousy and insecurity are deep seated emotions that can be pushed under but never fully eradicated.
Dave, two daughters: Echo and Holly. Hence the screen name -- DavEcHolly

Amamba
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/11/2011 5:28 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi again and thanks for everyones advice,
when it comes to me simply accepting that men sometimes may feel atracted to other women I have already come to accept and can deal with. However the main problem is that he actually REALLY likes this girl and talks to her in his class all the time....it wasn't orriginall y physical to him....he seems to think hes going to be able to convince me of a polygamyst relationship and I've told him it will never happen. However I know that his want for this relationship with another girl is not just for sex. He cares about her and its hard to convince him I don't want him to talk to her anymore. He seemed to think his relationshipi with her was platonic as you say, but then one day it just hit him and he told me the only thing he was thinking about in class that day was having sex with her. This is not ok with me and is wrong....I asked him to not speak with her anymore and not to encourage their conversations when she talks to him. He dosn't accept this and today he still talked to her.....and while he was talking to her aparently she touched him on the shoulder in some way that let him know she likes him...he told me that he's talked to her about me in front of her so she knows we're married.....I can't seem to figure out how and what boundaries I should ask him to set though and how do I can tell him to prevent emotional infidelity? He;s the kindof person who has a tendancy to share himself with everyone and I've tried to get him to realize why what he's doing is dangerous grounds...... I've asked him to stop but I can tell where hes at right now he hasn't changed his mind and would just as easily fall into this all again. I've had to cut him off with other realtions with other girls I knew he texted/emailed who he said had not fallen into the "unsafe" Zone, and while I believe him I also believe that if I hadn't cut them off he would have eventually fallen into this. However this girl he had never even talked to me about before until he fell in and was too late for me to warn him about. Please, tell me how we can keep this from happening again??!!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 3/11/2011 7:52 AM (GMT -6)   
I don't think you have any control over this. This is just how he is. You either have to accept it or leave the situation. To me it is not cool that he is texting, talking and facebooking other women. But that is just my opinion. He is opening himself up to other relationships and he is your husband. I wouldn't like that at all. It is okay if it goes both ways. But how would he feel if you started communicating with other men??? And you probably aren't even interested in that. The fact that he wants a poligimist relationship isn't cool with your marriage. The fact that you don't want that says a lot. But is he going to get his way?

Do you go to any counseling? I think you need support through this and somebody to talk to. Think about it. You will get an objective opinion that way. I just think what he is doing is totally wrong. But that is my opinion.

I hope that things get better for you. Be careful. Keep an eye on him. I don't like what I am reading, and I don't want to see you get hurt.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/12/2011 3:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Amamba,

I agree with Karen's approach to your situation. I would venture as
far as to say that you may be married to a narcissist. The best thing you can do is to get into counseling for yourself at this point. Telling
him to stop isn't the solution, because if he's a narcissist, he will
always seek attention from others, whether appropriate or inappropriate. It's time for you to consider yourself and that you are
being manipulated mildly at this point.

Be strong and talk to a professional. I like the psychiatrists; others
think psychologists are just as good and maybe even a little better
at talking things out with you.

We're all here for you and on your side in this. His behavior is
inexcusable; your doctors are the best way to go to get the situation
under real control.

Take care of yourself, please.

Good wishes,

I. G.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/12/2011 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I have been married a long time, over 20 years. There are good years and there are bad years BUT through it all, if you ever lose that element of trust, it is hard to make everything else fit. You have to decide what it is YOU want from life. Is this the kind of emotional rollercoaster of a marriage that you want to spend the rest of your life in? Can your problems be fixed? Will you ever trust him again?

You have some hard questions to ask yourself, and when you are honest with yourself, your path forward will be brightly lit.

I feel your hurt. Take this hurtful time to really get to know yourself and grow from adversity. You are stronger than you can ever imagine.

Gem

Amamba
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 3/13/2011 6:08 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi everyone,
Things are definitely looking up now, he seems to realize how much this has hurt us and I can tell he genuinely wants to make things better. However I still have a few concerns...I still can't seem to get him to really set any boundaries to keep this from happening again. When I asked him if he thinks that this kind of thing will happen again with him he told me probably and didn't seem to have any concern about that...He also saw I was typing on the computer and asked me what I was doing so I was honest with him and told him about this forum and how I was simply trying to find some kind of outside guidance through this to make sure I'm handling things properly. After previously having a discussion with him on what emotional infidelity is, ( one of the things I mentioned to him is the sharing of deep emotional personal feelings, fears, hopes, secrets, dreams and discussing marital problems with the other person) He then went on to accuse me of being a hypocrite for sharing our marital problems here.....*Sigh* and
I do have to admit I think it is really hard to try to distinguish the difference of what is appropriate to share with people and whom. I honestly think those are the things I'm going to be questioning myself on more now. However the whole reason why I chose here was because I didn't want to shame him among any of my family or friends by talking with them about it. I also decided I needed a more private area than talking with a psychologist because I have found myself not always being completely honest about everything when talking with them, (mainly because he said he wouldn't take me if I told them the truth....don't worry I have already talked and resolved this matter with him and hes never said anything like that to me again). For those who are questioning weather or not I want to be in this marriage, yes. I took vows and that means allot to me... While trust is an extremely difficult thing to repair we have done that before and i know we can do it again. As for the manipulation, yes he was manipulating me, however I never even realized it....he told me himself because he felt bad about it, he then told me he's going to try his best to not manipulate me anymore and I can tell he's really taking that to heart he's actually started simply telling me thinks directly instead of just trying to get me to do what he wants.... and I can tell he's actually realizing the benefits of it.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/13/2011 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
A,

You cannot keep emotions bottled up for long or you will explode! This is exactly what forums are for, to air things that other people can relate to but are not involved with you on a face to face basis. We can tell you what worked for us or lend a compassionate ear, but ultimately you take the information you have received and filter it to use what applys to you. Personally, I think opening up in a place where people do not ridicule you or pass judgement is a very healthy emotional outlet. Sometimes just writing things down makes a lot of difference for the good.

I hope you get things worked out, marital problems are tough.

Today is a new day, I hope you enjoy it.

Gem

davecholly
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 3/23/2011 11:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Precious Gem wrote: "Personally, I think opening up in a place where people do not ridicule you or pass judgement is a very healthy emotional outlet."

Absolute catharsis. It is one of if not the most valuable things derived from participating in a forum.
Dave, two daughters: Echo and Holly. Hence the screen name -- DavEcHolly

2much2bear
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 624
   Posted 3/24/2011 8:16 AM (GMT -6)   
hello
 
i usually frequent another forum but wanted to check out depresson and came upon your thread which i briefly read through.
 
I just want to say that you need to set boundaries with your husband - as hard as it is... and you need support in setting those boundaries with him.   i feel you need to change tac with him as he is totally selfish and not caring about your feelings.. i agree... see how h e feels if you put the shoe on the other foot so to speak.
 
i would recommend you read books from 'Cloud & Townsend' who are well known and respected authors in the field of psychiatry and are fervant christians - although you do not need to share that faith to be helped by their books. 
Karen: 49 years old
1997: Diagnosed IBS
2003: Pelvic Floor repair
2006: STARR procedure - mucosal prolapse/ODS/diagnosed slow transit constipation
2007: Sigmoid resection (MRI showed twist) - made colonic inertia worse (cleared obstruction though)
March 2009: Total colectomy with ileorectal join and loop ileostomy
23 Sept 2010: Ileostomy reversal - not going well

meganjo
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 3/26/2011 1:39 AM (GMT -6)   
hi,
as precious gem said, don't ever try to bottle up all your emotions, vent out all your feelings, disclose your emotions and feeling or to say what you feel to your close ones... keeping up all in your heart will not bring any solution, instead will make you get depressed and makes your life miserable.
drug rehab

WinterGarden
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/8/2011 4:30 PM (GMT -6)   
I went through the same situation with my wife. She was the minister of a congregation. One day she began telling me how much she loved a man in her congregation. She said they met for lunch frequently to talk about spiritual things. She convinced me it was not going to get sexual, but it was tearing me up inside. She refused to work on our relationship, nor would she tell me why I was not meeting her needs. She never stopped seeing him. She never stopped telling me how much she was in love with him. I tried everything i could to save the marriage, but called it quits after 18 months.

He is having an emotional affair. They are just as destructive as physical affairs and they end just as many marriages. He is abusing you emotionally by telling you about his feelings for her. Demand that he break off all contact with her and get into marriage counseling. Being in a affair is quite intoxicating, he may have withdrawal like symptoms. Don't be a doormat, like I was.
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