Hi ..... I guess i shouldnt complain about the good things life could do for me but i cant help but. My life all became a world wind when i was 5 i had gone on a trip to New York with my grandmom. On that trip my life changed forever when i wut i got as there my cousin constantly slept with me and would touch at first i felt weird but i got acustume to it. One day when my grandmother wasnt home my cousin brought 3 guys over . She told me to go in the shower and when i came out they were still waiting. As i approached the room the boys snatched me up and began to do horrible things that no child ld have to go through .
When they were finished my cousin took a bath with me . Although this may have been the worst day of my life, life hadnt gotten any better since then i had to constantly keep this secret from my mother . When i began to go to school when i looked at how happy the kids were i cudnt help but feel stupid and that it was my fault . For along time i refused to let that part of me bother me any more. As i grew up and went to middle school i didnt know anybody and it was really hard to make friends. When i had made freinds they began to drift away from me , and once again i had messed up everything the only people in my life who did question what i did. When i was in the 7th grade i began to notice how much i liked boys, but they didnt like me back. A boy whom i had id liked from the 7th grade crushed my hopes and dreams when he began to talk to his friends about me and say horrible things like your ugly and skinny and you should just die.
When i woke up that morning i expected to see a white light but just my room. At first i was mad that i had not been suuccessfull in my attempt but at the same time there had to be some reason i hadnt died or even been in the hospital. The years after that i tried to be more optemistic but even worse news had come my dad was being but in jail for raping a girl. At that point my heart sunk to all time lows and it felt like i couldnt regain consounice.
I know i may sound like a rambling maniact but i just had to telll my story
When i became 13 i couldnt decide what i really liked in life. I liked boys but i loved girls also. I had never had sex with a boy. I guess i dont know why i did alot of things in life but by the 6th grade i had slept with atleast 6 girls and they were all in high school . I dont know what i was thinking i guess i thought they would actually love me unlike the others. From then on i decided that i was gay, but my mother would have never allowed me to be .Although my interest in girls remained strong i had to hide my feelings .
In high school right now i struggle to know who i am. When boys compliment me i cant help but thinking in my mind they dont really care. When i looked in the mirror i saw this stupid dum girl with a wide nose and so small eyes who couldnt even see the future for themselves . This boy on my bus began to bother me and he would constantly say how pretty i was . But all he really wanted was to have sex and i couldnt handle that my life felt on ice . I couldnt risk the humiliation of what could happen and how i would look
I also have self confidence issues . Boys scare me and i cant stare them in their eyes . I cant even glance at them because im scared that they may look at me and see what i see stupid , tall, insecure, ugly, and so many other things. I only have 5 friends whom i dont really trust because there lives seem so special and mine is a dister so they only know the lies i tell them .
Can someone please talk to me who seems like there in the same situation... I just really wana know that things will be okay and i wont be this self hating person for the rest of my life. And if you are in this situation we can both help each other
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/11/2011 7:01:45 AM (GMT-7)