This is my Baby Boy, and I miss him so much , that I can't figure out how I am going ot live through the night without him.
He took his own life and we are not sure why. He was found alone on my father's 65th Birthday on a bike path near a train station, and Buried 5 days before his only sibiling (a Beautiful Sister, Nicole) 16th birthday.
It hurts so much for me to not be able to hug him, not be able to tell him that I Love him and not hear him say it back.
Here is his story.
October 2004, MIchael left his fathers home on the south side of Chicago. Backpack on his back, CD Player on his ears, riding his sisters bike to head to a friends house after being alone, drinking and feeling god knows what. As he tried to cross through a very bad intersection he was struck by a car. His injuries were horrid, broken femur, shatttered elbow, but he lived. As I sat next to his bed his friends came to me one by one, all scared, and in disbelief that he was so injured, scared that they were going to have to bury a friend. They started telling me stories, Michael would drink and get out of control, Michale would drink and talk about death, Michael would drink and try to hurt himself and they would have to stop him. A few said they were afraid to be around him at times, and that there were parties they avoided going to because they thought if they took Michael he would surely end up dead.
My son had two very serious surgeries and survived that horrid accident. All the while he was in the hospital I tried so desperately to talk to him, he was in so much pain, physically that I couldnt tell what was in his heart. I started to ask him questions and he came up with answers like, "teenagers are all about the party" , " mom, dont worry , its all about fun", "MOM, stop I know what I am doing". I figured he never lied to me and he never would, and I told him, if he ever needed any one to talk to that he should let me know. I told him that I was always going to be there no matter what, I toild him everything I could to try to get him to open up. He never did.
Released from the Hospital stuck at home to have his Dad tend to his needs, no walking allowed for 8 weeks, no crutches because no pressure could be put on the elbow that was reconstructed, wheel chair, bed, couch..That is all he did until Christmas when he was finally told he could start to walk again.
He spent New Years with his friends out in downtown CHicago celebrating, and seemed fine. He decided to go back to school, so together he and I worked it out, got things fixed up so that he could get back into the new semester.
Feb 2005 around the beginning of the month, I get sick, end up in the hospital and when I finally get out I call him to let him know I am ok, and that I want him to think about comming to visit me and hissister and step dad for a weekend. I told him, no promises, just come when you would like, you are always welcome here, this is your home too. "OK MOM, I will Think about it". I was elated, I have him at least thinking about it.
Valentines day 2005, Michael called me 4 or 5 times (i think 5) and apologized for the way he acted in the hospital,
apologized for calling me up drunk and swearing at me, called me up just to say he loved me, and everytime we would finish a conversation , he ended it with "I Love You". The last phone call he made to me on Valentines day was one that I had long waited for, He wanted to visit us on the weekend!
I was extatic, we agreed that I would pick him upon Friday and take him home on Saturday. We talked about a few things that I wanted to do for him, have a family dinner with all his aunts and Grandma, and his only uncle on my side of the family. Shooping for Clothes or what ever he needed or even wanted. He thought it was a great idea.
I went and got him and we had the most awesome weekend. I had never seen him smile so much, I was so happy to see that he was healed well, and that his heart seemed happier. He and I sat up and watched a movie, talked and laughed. It felt great, he was normal again, his old self. I took him home and spoke with his Dad and said he was such a joy, I was not concerned about what his friends said at all. We had a great time. ON Monday during my lunch break I called him, just to let him know that I loved him and that I had such a great time, and I wanted to make sure he felt good about the visit, he said he did, he sounded so happy. We started to make plans for the next visit. Tuesday I was feeling ill, needed to see a doctor, he called, needed a few dollars for bus fair to get to school, and gas money in case he wanted to borrow his uncles car he would have gas money. I told him I would send it when I was finished at the doctors office. I never got around to sending the money, with not feeling good, having to run about the town to tend to my medical needs, just wasnt going to be able to do it that day.
He left his fathers house on foot, went to see a friend. Pawned his XBox for cash since I didnt send him anything. Went back to his friend and asked for a ride to the bus stop. She gave him a ride. Drug store on the corner and he walked in...what happened after that is every mothers nightmare.....
That was Tuesday Feburary 22, 2005
Thursday Feburary 24, 2005
My phone rings,
Its Michael's Dad
Have I talked to Michael?
What's the cell phone number, Dad forgot to write it down.
I go online to look at the cell phone logs,
THe last call from his cell phone
9:36pm Feb 22, 2005 to a friend.
I call that friend, he hasnt seen him, talke dto him yes and he was drunk, but hasnt seen him.
I call the friend before that last call, shes the one who dropped him off at the bus stop, next to the drug store.
I call his Dad, whom has left a message on the cell phone, maybe itd dead because he has been gone for two days and has no charger.
I start calling hospitals, and police stations.
I finally get someone who wants a description of him
5'7 or 9"
Blue Eyes that sparkle
Sandy Blonde hair
Whats he wearing , I dont know
Who was he with
Got on a bus headed to the college your town is on that bus route
Well, I'll call you back, let me see what I can find out
His dad Calls
Do I know anything
OK at 10:30 Dad will file a missing person report with the Chicago Police.
11:15 my phone rings again, I jump out of bed..
Faintly I keep hearing,
who is this
i cant hear you
what are you saying
someone else gets on the phone
The police were just here,
Michael was found dead....................................................................
My life ended
This goes so much deeper..I know that...it doenst happen over night..I know that...
WHat everyone with depression needs to know is
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE LOVED..
I CAN LOVE YOU