Well life is really a rollercoaster lately. There's stuff that I feel positive about lately (the fact that I'm off meds and doing ok for the most part), and then there's a lot of stuff that bothers me. Like, a much longer list then what makes me feel good (being off meds lol).
Let's see where do I start. Here's a list of all the thoughts that run through my head right now that bring me down.
25 yrs old and living at home
25 yrs old and single, always been single (pretty pathetic)
30-40 lbs overweight from taking the AD's/AA's
Took a paycut to work at the bank, to get out of my family business because it was driving me nuts. Money is so tight now, really frustrating
Driving an old beat up car that I hate
Finding out that I don't really have much in common with friends without alcohol...
The never ending desire to pull myself out of this rut and get everything on track and being insanely dissatisfied where I'm at now
So I guess these are my triggers. My things that when I think of them, or see anything that reminds me of them, ultimately ruins my day and brings me down. I went over a friends house last night to have some casual drinks, when I got there they were playing a drinknig game and demand that I join in. I'm 25 which I guess is still pretty young so I understand how they want to do that, but I'm past that now. I just think it's something childish now, and something that honestly with my depression/anxiety issues that I should absolutely stay away from. After a half an hour of verbally fighting back and forth about how I didn't want to and name calling and this and that, I decided to play. I had a few drinks and was so pissed about it, and just hanging out there I realized that maybe I'm changing. I still genuinely like my friends, but I'm starting to see more and more that maybe it's time to grow the hell up and distance myself a bit. I don't need that during the week, I don't need to be playing drinking games on a wednesday night when I have work the next day. The annoying part is if I don't hang out I get some amazingly retarded insulting txts from them, which I have begun to respond to angrily but doesn't seem to stop them. Even after the drinking game last night, it wasn't even that much fun. We pretty much argued about sports and just about everything, but it seemed more personal then anything else. Seemed like there was hostility from me distancing myself lately from the drinking. I'm at the point lately where I think it's time to just go my way, and if they don't understand it or appreciate it, that's not on me.
They say to be successful you have to sacrifice things. Well I guess all those partying/wild days are behind me again. I want nothing more in life then to be successful. It's my main and only motivation. I want to feel like I'm doing something that's great, something that is positive and feel independent. I can't do that at this current job and I can't do that if I keep getting into these situations that I've been so used to in the past. I feel more then ever that it's time for a change, it's just the direction in which I want to go seems so unattainable.
I only have an associates degree and I have ALWAYS in the past struggled with school. It took me 4-5 years to finish up my associates and it has become a joke between family/friends about my ability to ever finish. Whenever I bring up the idea to finish up my bachelors they absolutely shoot it down. At first all the negative feedback was a driving force for me. It made me want to prove them wrong, but after hearing it for so long it feels like it has become me. It makes me feel like a failure. How am I supposed to go back to school and succeed with this mentality? It's honestly the sole reason why I haven't been able to finish my degree. Everytime I go I have this negative out look on myself, asking myself why I'm lying to myself and trying to be something that I'm not? Why am I trying to prove this point to myself when I know it's not going to work?
Well this time around I think I'm going to try a different approach, but I'm not quite sure on really how to do it. I know I have to be in a good place mentally before I go back to classes. I need to feel like I'm ok and like I'm able to do this before I undertake a full schedule. If not I feel like that doubt and insecurity is going to ruin it for me again. I want to change so badly though and I want this darn bachelors degree, it's been something that is just dangling in front of my face for years and I can't seem to get the darn thing and everytime I fail at it I get more and more depressed thinking it will never happen.
One positive thing that happened to me today so far though was opening a fortune cookie lol. I actually saved it and am going to keep it in my wallet for awhile because it "hopefully" is what is happening to me right now. It says "You're trasnforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed." That's my new mantra now whenever I am not feeling like myself, whenever I am doubting my thoughts or ambitions. A lot of times I'll think of different career paths or ideas to get a better job, or to get money, or to just have fun and they are all things I never really thought of in the past. But instead of questioning these ideas now and wondering why I'm changing my wants and desires so much, I'm going to hold onto this mantra and tell myself it's just me being sick of being a loser. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth it, this is me trying and working at grabbin life by the horns and giving myself a fair chance at success for once. Instead of going in to everything with that darn failure mentality, which always ends up that way. This is so hard to do though because it doesn't feel like me, hopefully if I keep telling myself I can then these stupid doubts/insecurities will fade.