Change/Success

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Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/17/2011 2:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Well life is really a rollercoaster lately.  There's stuff that I feel positive about lately (the fact that I'm off meds and doing ok for the most part), and then there's a lot of stuff that bothers me.  Like, a much longer list then what makes me feel good (being off meds lol).
 
Let's see where do I start.  Here's a list of all the thoughts that run through my head right now that bring me down.
 
25 yrs old and living at home
25 yrs old and single, always been single (pretty pathetic)
30-40 lbs overweight from taking the AD's/AA's
Took a paycut to work at the bank, to get out of my family business because it was driving me nuts.  Money is so tight now, really frustrating
Driving an old beat up car that I hate
Finding out that I don't really have much in common with friends without alcohol...
The never ending desire to pull myself out of this rut and get everything on track and being insanely dissatisfied where I'm at now
 
So I guess these are my triggers.  My things that when I think of them, or see anything that reminds me of them, ultimately ruins my day and brings me down.  I went over a friends house last night to have some casual drinks, when I got there they were playing a drinknig game and demand that I join in.  I'm 25 which I guess is still pretty young so I understand how they want to do that, but I'm past that now.  I just think it's something childish now, and something that honestly with my depression/anxiety issues that I should absolutely stay away from.  After a half an hour of verbally fighting back and forth about how I didn't want to and name calling and this and that, I decided to play.  I had a few drinks and was so pissed about it, and just hanging out there I realized that maybe I'm changing.  I still genuinely like my friends, but I'm starting to see more and more that maybe it's time to grow the hell up and distance myself a bit.  I don't need that during the week, I don't need to be playing drinking games on a wednesday night when I have work the next day.  The annoying part is if I don't hang out I get some amazingly retarded insulting txts from them, which I have begun to respond to angrily but doesn't seem to stop them.   Even after the drinking game last night, it wasn't even that much fun.  We pretty much argued about sports and just about everything, but it seemed more personal then anything else.  Seemed like there was hostility from me distancing myself lately from the drinking.  I'm at the point lately where I think it's time to just go my way, and if they don't understand it or appreciate it, that's not on me.
 
They say to be successful you have to sacrifice things.  Well I guess all those partying/wild days are behind me again.  I want nothing more in life then to be successful.  It's my main and only motivation.  I want to feel like I'm doing something that's great, something that is positive and feel independent.  I can't do that at this current job and I can't do that if I keep getting into these situations that I've been so used to in the past.  I feel more then ever that it's time for a change, it's just the direction in which I want to go seems so unattainable.
 
I only have an associates degree and I have ALWAYS in the past struggled with school.  It took me 4-5 years to finish up my associates and it has become a joke between family/friends about my ability to ever finish.  Whenever I bring up the idea to finish up my bachelors they absolutely shoot it down.  At first all the negative feedback was a driving force for me.  It made me want to prove them wrong, but after hearing it for so long it feels like it has become me.  It makes me feel like a failure.  How am I supposed to go back to school and succeed with this mentality?  It's honestly the sole reason why I haven't been able to finish my degree.  Everytime I go I have this negative out look on myself, asking myself why I'm lying to myself and trying to be something that I'm not?  Why am I trying to prove this point to myself when I know it's not going to work?
 
Well this time around I think I'm going to try a different approach, but I'm not quite sure on really how to do it.  I know I have to be in a good place mentally before I go back to classes.  I need to feel like I'm ok and like I'm able to do this before I undertake a full schedule.  If not I feel like that doubt and insecurity is going to ruin it for me again.  I want to change so badly though and I want this darn bachelors degree, it's been something that is just dangling in front of my face for years and I can't seem to get the darn thing and everytime I fail at it I get more and more depressed thinking it will never happen.
 
 
One positive thing that happened to me today so far though was opening a fortune cookie lol.  I actually saved it and am going to keep it in my wallet for awhile because it "hopefully" is what is happening to me right now.  It says "You're trasnforming yourself into someone who is certain to succeed."   That's my new mantra now whenever I am not feeling like myself, whenever I am doubting my thoughts or ambitions.  A lot of times I'll think of different career paths or ideas to get a better job, or to get money, or to just have fun and they are all things I never really thought of in the past.  But instead of questioning these ideas now and wondering why I'm changing my wants and desires so much, I'm going to hold onto this mantra and tell myself it's just me being sick of being a loser.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm not worth it, this is me trying and working at grabbin life by the horns and giving myself a fair chance at success for once.  Instead of going in to everything with that darn failure mentality, which always ends up that way.  This is so hard to do though because it doesn't feel like me, hopefully if I keep telling myself I can then these stupid doubts/insecurities will fade.

getting by
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   Posted 3/17/2011 3:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike,

You have a positive outlook and things you are saying are making sense. I want you to know that we are all behind you and we all want to see you succeed. Wishing you the best.

Hugs, Karen

PS great that you have a new mantra. Keep repeating it to yourself.
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Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/17/2011 4:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen, that's what I have trouble making sense of in my head. I keep wondering am I depressed or am I just unhappy with my situation? It's what makes my moods swing from ok to depressed and then back to ok again (never really happy lol). Trying to get a grip on it but it seems more and more clear to me that to do this I might have to make some changes on just who I am associating myself with and more behavioral changes then really just "thinking" patterns. Because I've tried changing the thinking patterns and goin back to my old activities and I just don't really get much enjoyment out of it. Just brnigs up memories of times when I was unhappy/depressed/frustrated. But it's been so long feeling so down, even before the major anxiety depression problems I struggled with this "failure" attitude. It's been rough trying to change this.

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 3/17/2011 4:26 PM (GMT -6)   
go mike619er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! very motivational :-) jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/18/2011 12:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike619,
 
Your post says volumes.  It is hard growing up and letting "go" of old ways that you know are not beneficial to you now.  as far as the text, quit responding they will stop.  As far as school goes, go when you are ready and do not discuss it with anyone that is going to respond negatively.  Depressed or not liking your situation at the moment?  One in the same.  You are off meds, start working out and eating right, the weight will come off.  When you like yourself and are confident, you will meet someone, therefore not alone anymore.  You are solving your own problems sweetie and that is great, give yourself some credit will ya'?  At your age, you are really just turning that corner and getting started.  I know it is hard to leave old friends behind because of different life choices but it must be done.  Does not mean you are not their friends, you just do not hang so tight that they influence you to do things you do not really want to do or know you should not to get where you want to be.
 
Good vibes your way............keep positive and keep at it.  and oh yeah, the economy sucks right now, everyone is holding on to old cars instead of buying new ones and are staying at jobs they are not thrilled with.  Just hang in there and go into to work with a different attitude for just one day and see what happens!
 
Gem

Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/18/2011 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys, I guess it is a lot of anxiety/depression stuff but then a llot of it can definetly be chalked up to just "growing pains" i guess.

For the most part I'm doing ok, I feel like I'm getting by and am able to perform my job at a decent level. I still find my focus/attention failing me at times, which I guess is just normal for anyone though. Kind of hard to be on point all the time. Still struggling with the inability to relax as well, and at times throughout the day I still get that total out of body experience feeling.

All in all though I try to look back on the day now and realize that it's just me worrying about how I'm feeling, instead of just feeling that way. Hard habit to snap out of, maybe one of these days I master it. I see my personality starting to creep back though, starting to get my sarcastics ways back lol. Kind of good at times but then at work I gotta watch out for it lol. Haven't really had to worry about that kidn of stuff because for the last couple of months I've just been a walking zombie at work really, just doing what I was told and that was about it. Wouldn't really socialize/joke around all that much, because honestly when I was feeling that down it's kind of hard to really talk about much. So I'm still dealing with some changes, but just have to keep on rollin with the punches.

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 3/18/2011 7:03 PM (GMT -6)   
keep fightin' that good fight miker. with compassion, jamie :-)
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
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   Posted 3/19/2011 7:04 AM (GMT -6)   
I know what you mean when you say you do not know how to relax. Me either. You have to learn some techniques for that, it can be done. I really am the most uptight person, I have to work on finding a chilled out attitude alot. My job was really driving me crazy not long ago, one day I decided that I had to stay there at the moment so I just went in and acted like I loved the place, pretended that nothing stupid that happened during the day bothered me and that my coworkers were really nice (they are not) but point being, it was more tolerable when I changed my attitude since I could not change theirs.

Good luck and stay away from the booze for a while, really it does make a big difference, you are young get out there and make some new friends with common interest. Life takes lots of twist and turns, you will be fine!


Gem

getting by
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   Posted 3/19/2011 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Wonderful post Gem,

I like the part about changing your attitude. I have had to do that with life. And it really does make a difference. I used to be a rather nervous person, but not anymore. I can't say I never get that way, but it is less frequent. Changing out attitudes really makes a huge difference. You said it well.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
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   Posted 3/19/2011 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen, I am less anxious as well. Again, do not mean to sound like a broken record, but I really believe caffeine was jacking me up too much.

Have a great day sweetie!

Gem

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/19/2011 12:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Gem,
 
Great post and I think you are right, caffeine is going to have to go but it is one of my great loves - Diet Coke.  I guess I need to move to the other side and accept that I will be better off without so much diet coke.
 
You are wise and wonderful.  How did you get so smart ?
 
Gentle Hugs,
Kitt
~~Kitt~~
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"If you can't change the world, change your world"

getting by
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   Posted 3/19/2011 1:29 PM (GMT -6)   
I recently gave up the pepsi. It isn't easy. I am working on the coffee. I drink part regular and part decaff. So far so good. I am drinking lemon water pretty good. I can feel a difference.

Hugs to all, Karen
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Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
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   Posted 3/19/2011 2:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Kitt and Karen,

No it is not easy. The last thing I put off giving up was my coffee. I was drinking 6 or 7 cups a day, then coke, then tea and I am already a bit hyperactive/hypomania - one in the same I guess - so I really felt like crying sometimes, silly huh?

Wise and Wonderful..............well, what a compliment. I am speechless.

Gem

Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/20/2011 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks to everyone for the great advice, I too have cut out a lot of the caffeine from my diet. I only drink decaf coffee now (there's no way I can cut out coffe completely, it's impossible lol). One thing I still do which gives me a little bit of trouble is just social drinking on the weekends on a friday/saturday night. Either one or the other, I don't have drinks more then one time a week. I always am a lil more moody/depressed the next morning but I've learned to tell myself to expect it so it's not as overwhelming anymore.

Got a couple things on my mind now though that are kind of bugging me. I had my appointment with my therapist yesterday and I don't know.....maybe it's just me? But I just don't think therapy helps. I air everything out and talk about stuff, but it doesn't really do much. Actually yesterdays session made me angry. We got into talking about where my insecurities came from, then I started talking about how I always was extremely self conscious of my mouth/jaw problem so I let that hold me back from getting into any relationships. That and the fact that I got shut down the first 3-4 times I actually tried dating, so then I told myself that I must need the corrective surgery to fix it so that my stupid insecurities would go away. But after the surgery it wasn't completely fixed, and still isn't totally perfect. I still look at my bite/teeth in the mirror and there's a small gap still, it's very hard to notice but I see it and it drives me nuts. Not to mention that I deal with muscle numbness/tension in the right corner of my mouth that used to really effect my speech after the surgery, lately it doesn't effect how I talk but I still feel it. So it bothers me...stopped me from going out with friends/social events for a long time because I felt like a freak.

So he was talking about how I let my physical impairment turn into a mental impairment, and now that the physical impairment has died down and I'm beginning to recover, that I am still mentally handicapped from the negative thinking. I tried telling him that it's not that easy....he said just start going out and go to social events, church events, voulenteer work and stuff. I never liked that kind of stuff, social events I did like were like sports games/fishing/stuff like that. I'm not the kind of guy who enjoys big crowds/parties/etc. I *WASN'T* always as isolated as I am lately, back before the anxiety/depression got really bad I enjoyed going out on fishing trips during the week with some friends, going out to the movies, go to a few NY Yankee and NY Jet games a year. I used to love it. Lately though everything seems to lack any enjoyment though.

His advice was to just go out and get involved in things, that's how we left off. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's not really going to work I feel like. A big part of my problem is I question my behavior/activities. I'll ask myself why the heck am I doing this, I never used to do this.....this must be me changing my interests/behavior and that's the #1 sign of someone being bipolar/schizo....so doing anything new brings me no pleasure because yet again I instantly think back to myself being mentally ill. That's why I'm just so numb/grumpy all the time, it's hard to enjoy anything if I'm just constantly worrying and doubting my sanity.

So after that session now I'm even doubting that I'm going to be able to go back to college again this summer. Told some friends last night when we were hanging out about my idea to go back and they were behind me, but didn't miss out on the chance to rib me with a "Oh 6th times a charm bro" lol. Just kind of sucks that it feels like people know me almost better then I know myself.

getting by
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   Posted 3/20/2011 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I honestly think you are overanalyzing things. Live your life. Listen to the psychologist and do get involved in things. Have faith that the rest will fall into place. Sometimes we don't always feel happy after sessions. This is a learning process. Take his advice and see what happens. Don't give up Mike. You have come too far.

Hugs, Karen
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Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/20/2011 9:03 AM (GMT -6)   
I can't stop the overanalyzing though Karen, I honestly just can't do it. With meds/without meds, my mind goes and goes and goes. It's what stops me from enjoying anything/movies/sports/time out with friends/anything. Because in the middle of whatever I'm doing my mind is just always all over the place. This is what happened ever since my "breakdown". I don't know how to stop it, I really wish I knew how. I've tried working out to try and stop it, just don't know what else to do anymore. I'm always feeling like I SHOULD be doing this, I SHOULD be doing that instead of just enjoying whatever it is that I'm doing. It's really an obsession, they do say that obsession type thinking is like a side effect of depression and anxiety and I definetly am suffering from that.

It's just so hard changing and doing something different after I've spent so much time being this way? It feels like it's the only thing I know now, almost like I forgot how to be ok and just relax.

getting by
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   Posted 3/20/2011 9:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Did you talk to your doc about abilify? It helps with over thinking. Years ago I had to take the word SHOULD out of my vocabulary. It is a bad word believe it or not. Have you ever thought about writing your thoughts down on paper? Sometimes that helps me. Not necessarily keeping a journal, but just to put them aside and get them off of your mind. Try to focus on the current. It sounds like a lot of your thoughts are positive, which is good. Thinking about fishing, new truck, whatever, it isn't so bad. But I know that you want to be in the now. Have you googled any books on that? Living in the now, or present? I am sure that this is a huge struggle.

Hugs, Karen
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Precious Gem
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   Posted 3/20/2011 11:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there Mike. I have a racing mind as well. I went to a therapist for a while, I do not think a very good one, she never gave me any suggestions, I just went in and talked and talked and felt rotten when I left. At that point I should have just tried another one but I stopped. Probably a bad idea but seemed right at the time.

You have to find your way and try not to put so much pressure on yourself to accomplish this or that. Take some time to just "be."

Hope you have a great day.

Gem

Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
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   Posted 3/20/2011 11:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Gem, that's some really good advice right there. That's the part I miss about myself, the ability to just be. The ability to just do something and relax and not question it/doubt it/wonder what else I should be doing. It's absolutely unbearable, today is the longest day ever. I'm so much better when I'm working, because it keeps my mind busy. The weekends (which I used to LOOOOOOOVE just like everyone else) have now become something I absolutely dread. Too much idle time and absolutely no desire to do anything.

Are you going to a therapist now Gem? Are you on meds? I really want more then anything to get some passion/interest back into my life again but I'd love to do it without the help of any medication. I start doubting that it's possible though because this has just been way too long of feeling this way. I'm not too sure about trying Abilify though, I was actually talking to my therapist about that (he brought it up) and was saying he doesn't really think meds are going to work for me. He's claiming I just have to make some lifestyle changes, kind of hard to do that when I feel absolutely empty inside though. I don't feel a darn thing (especially today because I had a few drinks last night).

getting by
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   Posted 3/20/2011 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Why don't you try to go one weekend without drinking and see if it changes the way that you feel. Even one beer can cause depression for days to come and it would take a couple of weeks to see the difference.

I use to have an occasional beer with a friend and realized that it wasn't worth the way that it made me feel. I didn't even drink enough to get a buzz, like one or two. And it still made me feel crappy for a couple of days.

That would take care of the depression part and then it will be easier to work on the rest.

Hugs, Karen
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Precious Gem
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   Posted 3/20/2011 1:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I am not on meds. Have tried everything for a very very short period of time, could never make it past the side effects and feeling like a numb cabbage. I as well knew I needed passion/interest in my life - you must create this for your self. I started reading everything and anything I could get my hands on until I found things that interested me, then I studied them. I created diverse interest for myself.

Therapy, no, I did not respond well to it and also could not afford it. I decided to do it myself through knowledge. One of the best books I ever read was called, The Complete Guide to Your Emotions & Your Health by Emrika Padus/Prevention Magazine. It covers alot of subjects and it is pretty straight to the point without boring you to death. I would highly recommend it to everyone. I think I found it at a used book store for less than $10.

Throw yourself into something on the week-ends so you enjoy them again, and again, try giving up alcohol for just 90 days, or 30 or 60 and just see if it makes a difference, Karen is so right. You are probably just drinking because you are bored. Now, what do you do about that?

Gem

getting by
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   Posted 3/20/2011 2:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for mentioning the book Gem. I am a firm believer of self help books. And I think you can find most everything on the internet. I find used books all the time, cheap. I believe that we can teach ourselves too. I do go to a therapist and I do take meds but that is what has worked for me. I use to have the problem of not getting the side effects until I was a month or two into the medication. That was really a bummer. I would think something was going to work and then get the side effects later on.

Mike, I hope you look for the book. And I hope that you are still refering to the other book that you got now and again. Keep trying and know that you have people that believe in you here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 3/20/2011 5:08 PM (GMT -6)   
I have already bought a couple of self help books and idk, I feel like they help me for a day or two but then I wind up back where I started. What about therapy didn't work for you Gem? Because I honestly believe that it's not my "cup of tea" either. All the things that I talk about and that "bothered" me as a kid growing up or whatever, that really doesn't mean crap to how I feel right now. I was able to function fine at 23 and all the same stuff happened to me from the ages of 1-23 as they did from 1-25 so what does it really matter. It's about how I feel and am able to live my life now, and that's pretty darn terribly lately.

What's with this weird sensation that I always have? I always feel as if my head is floating, its like a tingling feeling on the top back side of my head and it convinces me that I must be nuts to be feeling this weird. It comes and goes but when it comes it makes me feel so darn crazy. I've got myself convinced again that I'm some sort of sociopath because I feel like I can't be around anyone without these feelings intensifying. I gave a new therapist in my area a call and hopefully we can set up a first time appointment, his description on my insurance site sounded like he'd be good. This might be my last chance at going for therapy though, it's making me feel like more of a psycho that I'm now going onto my 5th or 6th therapist in 2 years. I'm no idiot, there's one common denominator in all of these situations, me.

Can't wait til the weather gets nice and "maybe" I can pull it together and start spending some time down by the beach and by the water. I would love to if I could just freakin relax and enjoy it, I don't know if I could pull myself to do it if I keep having these stupid head sensations/strange thoughts. My strange thoughts are just always about my sanity, thoughts of me wondering "What if I hurt somebody? What if I'm really a psycho? What if I just snap and lose it? How much more can I take?"

And just to share one really wild dream 2 nights ago that scared the hell out of me....I had a dream that I was an investigator and I was following this wanted murderer and when I caught him and when he turned around, it was me. That absolutely freaked the hell out of me and ruined that nights sleep, and have had the complex of thinking that I must be some sort of sociopath ever since.

Precious Gem
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   Posted 3/21/2011 5:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Mike, we all have to find what works for us.  Please talk to your Dr. about all these things going on.  I know they are difficult.  Whatever avenue you take, just do not give up on yourself.
 
Gem

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
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   Posted 3/21/2011 6:01 AM (GMT -6)   
ditto, jamie.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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