My boyfriend's problem

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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/19/2011 11:01 AM (GMT -6)   
I need help on my boyfriend who has depression and anxiety. I came to this point where I dont know what to do and how to help him.  Today I received this email and I need your advice on how to (1) answer this email (2) give support to him.
Here is his email to me....
"Dear A
I am feeling a bit depressed today. i guess its because i feel like i have no direction and disconnected from the world. i've not interacted properly with a human face to face since tuesday. since then i have been drifting about the world achieving nothing. when im feeling like this i often prefer not to speak at all though cos it feels like a lot of effort. i havent chatted to hannah on msn for a week now and usually its every working day. your the only person i have spoken to really.

on the bright side im going out soon and meeting my friend- finally got him to venture out a little which is good. hes going to buy some 'silk bed sheets' to sell on ebay, and maybe the adobe software so he can start doing some web design.
those people are playing football tomorrow night. i should go - it will be very good for me. but every natural instinct in me is telling me not to go - im terrified of meeting all these new people that already know each other. i've played out in my mind all the scenarios of where i might see them and what i might say and what might happen. my mind just keeps telling me it would be easier to not go and just sit at home and avoid all this stress, yet i know it will be better for me in the long term to go. there is constantly a battle in my head between short term and long term. short term likes mcdonalds, long term wories about my stomach and health. long term wants to go the gym but short term is too lazy and telling me my wrist still hurts. short term tells me to drink away my boredom and sadness but long term knows its not a good idea. long term wants me to go to supermarket to pick up groceries to make my diet more healthy and varied, but short term tells me that surfing the internet takes less energy. and so it carries on like that, all the time. if im in a good mood i will have the strength to take the long term option but if im in a bad mood the lure of the short term comfort is harder to resist. if only the short term and long term were aligned life would be so much easier. anyway, i will try my hardest to go to football tomorrow, as hard as i can. i was going to join a football team in england once - called up the manager and arranged to go the training session but come the day i was too anxious about meeting everyone. i will try not to let history repeat itself, but i am just so weak mentally some times. i have the same argument in my head whenever you ask me to come with you to go out with your friends, but not so bad. please understand that the long term part of me wants to go and meet them and make you happy, but the short term part of my brain is nervous and will take any opportunity to avoid it. just please know that it is not just laziness or selfishness, it is mainly fear and weakness. and same with you meeting my friends - long term wants you to know them and spend time with them, but short term is scared about feeling socially awkward and being the centre of attention and people thinking im weird for being nervous, and you feeling bored.
the problem with having depression and social anxiety is that i keep it secret and cover it up as much as possible, because i don't want people to think im weak or abnormal. so i guess that is why i fear social situations so much with new people because it is just so much effort to try and portray myself in a better way that i actually am. nobody wants to know someone who is just sitting there looking sad and not speaking and not funny.

when i first started taking medication it felt brilliant. apart from treating depression it also treated Social Anxiety Disorder which I can only assume that i have, because i felt confident and bold again, like i had done when i was much younger. i felt liberated and i didn't care what anyone thought of me and i didnt worry about anything. i think over the years of experimenting with other medications and having long spells on them, the effects wore off and i don't think the meds helped hardly at all on my last period of taking them. that is the pattern for all my drug taking and alcohol abuse though. all the those things make me feel confident and take away the worries and stress, and give some short term unadulterated happiness. but the effects are less and less after every time."
Thanks in advance for any advise or help for me..

Elite Member

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 3/19/2011 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand how you want to help your friend and that is very admirable of you.  Everyone feels blue now and then, but being down in the dumps over a long period of time is not a normal part of life. A depressed mood that lingers can change the way a person thinks or feels, and becomes “clinical depression.”
The good news is that depression is treatable. Through medication and/or psychotherapy, over 80% of sufferers get better. Your gentle support and steadfast friendship can make a big difference. Please do know that you cannot heal your friend,  only your friend can do this.

You cannot control how your friend  is going to respond to you.

You cannot decide for your friend  whether or not he wants help or wants to change.

You can encourage him to see a therapist and seek help through a new physician who may have update ideas on how to deal with patients with depression. 

You can be patient, honest and direct, but non-judgemental.

You must be aware of your own needs and seek support for yourself.

I wish you peace,


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New Member

Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 3/19/2011 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   

thanks a lot for your quick reply. i read that on almost all of the resources and helping a depressed friend. however, problem is my boyfriend does not believe and resist therapist/counselling or professional help saying he has done it before, given medication and so forth.  how can i encourage him then?

many thanks...

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