Sorry to be posting again so soon on a totally unrelated topic, but I have a question. about 16 months ago, I started writing down how I was feeling. I found what I wrote the other day, and it scares me how little has changed. I wrote things like "I don't tell people how bad I feel, because I'm afraid they'd lock me up". Ironically enough, I was admitted to the psych ward three months after I wrote that. I find myself having the same feelings now, and while in the hospital recently was told, rather flippantly, that ECT might be a good treatment. This came from a doctor who knew nothing about my medical history. I guess I'm just wondering what there is to do if, honestly, I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed. It seems that most people battling depression have good days and bad days. Someone asked me point blank the other day "when was the last time you felt good?" and it made me sad to realize it was briefly, on one very specific day, at one very specific time, in 2003. Eight years. I haven't had a happier moment in eight years. Just saying that out loud scares me. ANd makes me cry. I've called the psychiatrist the hospital referred me to, twice, but they haven't gotten back to me. I don't know what to do. I'm 23, and bawling my eyes out because all I can think right now is "I want my mom". She's 2,800 miles away, and I've already burdened her family here. I'm at my wits end and just keep wanting to give up. I just want this to be over. Do treatments like ECT work? When I was inpatient in the psych ward, I saw people that came back from "treatments" and they were catatonic. It really was like something out of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". Do I need a lobotomy? Can I shock my brain into being happy? I've done everything else I can think of. Antidepressants haven't worked (I'm currently on Nortryptaline and Clonazepam), anti-psychotics made me a zombie, and... I feel crazy. I cry all the ****ing time. I can't help but wonder if ECT or something similarly drastic is my only hope. My PCP asked me what I enjoyed doing, and I couldn't think of anything. This is not good. I'm sorry to complain, I know everyone has bigger problems than "I feel sad"... I'll shut up now.