ECT? Lobotomy? Am I crazy?

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BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/19/2011 11:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry to be posting again so soon on a totally unrelated topic, but I have a question. about 16 months ago, I started writing down how I was feeling. I found what I wrote the other day, and it scares me how little has changed. I wrote things like "I don't tell people how bad I feel, because I'm afraid they'd lock me up". Ironically enough, I was admitted to the psych ward three months after I wrote that. I find myself having the same feelings now, and while in the hospital recently was told, rather flippantly, that ECT might be a good treatment. This came from a doctor who knew nothing about my medical history. I guess I'm just wondering what there is to do if, honestly, I can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed. It seems that most people battling depression have good days and bad days. Someone asked me point blank the other day "when was the last time you felt good?" and it made me sad to realize it was briefly, on one very specific day, at one very specific time, in 2003. Eight years. I haven't had a happier moment in eight years. Just saying that out loud scares me. ANd makes me cry. I've called the psychiatrist the hospital referred me to, twice, but they haven't gotten back to me. I don't know what to do. I'm 23, and bawling my eyes out because all I can think right now is "I want my mom". She's 2,800 miles away, and I've already burdened her family here. I'm at my wits end and just keep wanting to give up. I just want this to be over. Do treatments like ECT work? When I was inpatient in the psych ward, I saw people that came back from "treatments" and they were catatonic. It really was like something out of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". Do I need a lobotomy? Can I shock my brain into being happy? I've done everything else I can think of. Antidepressants haven't worked (I'm currently on Nortryptaline and Clonazepam), anti-psychotics made me a zombie, and... I feel crazy. I cry all the ****ing time. I can't help but wonder if ECT or something similarly drastic is my only hope. My PCP asked me what I enjoyed doing, and I couldn't think of anything. This is not good. I'm sorry to complain, I know everyone has bigger problems than "I feel sad"... I'll shut up now.

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 3/20/2011 1:25 AM (GMT -6)   

ECT  IS THE LAST BATIAN FOR RESISTANT TYPE DEPRESSIONS. AND NO, IT IS NOTHING ALIKE ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOOS NEST EITHER!!! YOU ARE ASLEEP AND IT TAKES 1.5 SECONDS  TO COMPLETE. YOU HAVE A VERY MINOR SEIZURE, FINGERS AND TOES WIGGLE. I HAD A COURSE OF TREATMENT A COURSE IS 6 IN 2004. IT SAVED MY LIFE, FOR I WAS CATATONIC AND NOT EATING OR DRINKING. YES SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, SORE AND FOGGY HEAD ARE COMMON.

YOU EITHER GET A UNI POLAR OR BOTH POLARS OF THE BRAIN DONE, A COURSE OF ECT USUALLY IS DONE IN HOSPITAL AND OVER AROUND 8 DAYS. MAINTENCE TREATMENT CAN BE DONE AS AN OUTPATIENT AS WELL. HOPING THIS HELPS SOME. WITH COMPASSION, JAMIE


SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 3/20/2011 9:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Bluemoon,

I am so sorry that you haven't been happy in such a long time. It might be time for the treatments if AD's don't help. I wish you luck with this. Jamie has had experience with this treatment. He will tell you everything that he can to help you.

Soft hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/20/2011 2:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your concern and advice. I am coming slowly to the conclusion that I might require this last bastion...
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 3/20/2011 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I forgot to mention that you are not crazy. If you were, you wouldn't be concerned about it. I hope that you find the therapy that is right for you. I guess the ECT isn't as scarey as it use to be. I hope that it goes well for you. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 3/21/2011 5:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I think Jamie gave you some great advice. We've also had at least a handful of other members over the years write about their ECT experience. If my memory serves me, all but 1 of them were EXTREMELY positive about having it done.
You might try doing a site search for "ECT" to find those posts.

best wishes,
t

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 3/21/2011 8:00 PM (GMT -6)   
i have posted a few good ones. jamie. :-)
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 3/22/2011 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Bluemoon
 
     In Jan 2010 I started ECTs 3x week for 6 weeks. Yeah, those "memories" from those weeks are VERY blurry, so just make sure yoou don't have a baby or get married-LOL!!! My husband was thrilled, he said "I finally got my wife back" . Alas, it did not last but 3 months, but that is me. Everyoneis different.
 
     As to people with depression having good and bad days, I haven't had what I consider a happy day in the standard sense of the word since 2005.The dog does something really stupid and funny, my daughter snuggles with me aand I smell her shampoo, beautiful spring wildflowers. Intellectually, my brain says these should cause you joy and so I smile and go along but I still feel like an empty vessel, dark and bottomless. BUT I had 3 great months after ects which I would not trade for anything, so I know that JOY can be achieved. Don't fall for the stigma, they are completely safe, you are under anesthesia and it is totally worth a try.  Major Depression is an illness so seek avenues that may help, wherever you find them (within reason) Good luck!
 
Bayou Baby

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 3/22/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I want to point out that "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" is from 1975. Medicine has improved a lot since that time & ECT procedures today are night-and-day different from what they were back then.

But if you decide it's not for you, know that there are many emerging therapies that can be tried. I'm not usually too keen on recommending teaching hospitals, but in the field of mental health they do seem to be helpful in offering options that other places don't -- Vagus Nerve Stimulators (VNS), Transcraniel Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), subanesthestic ketamine infusions, and cutting edge medications.

ECT may well be the best option for you, idk. I considered it myself at one time b/c my depression was so severe. Like with you, my psychiatrist was very casual in suggesting it. Upon further investigation, I discovered that it could be done outpatient in the afternoons & I could have returned to work the next morning as long as I didn't drive (that's not always the case, but it was for me). So it's not always hugely disruptive to your life. But neither is there anything wrong with investigating what other options might be available to you.
Stay strong & keep fighting! :)

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/22/2011 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I talked to the doctor today, and he told me my insurance doesn't cover anything. He would require a retainer if I wanted to pay out of pocket. This is just to find a therapist! It doesn't even seem worth fighting anymore.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 3/22/2011 5:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Blue,
Do you live in the US?
If so, I wonder if a mistake was made. Mental Health benefits are often outsourced to a third party provider. Sometimes the phone reps at the health insurer aren't aware of that and wrongly state that the patient has no coverage at all. I would look into that a bit more. I know UHC usually outsources to Value Options for mental health & substance abuse benefits. If you have a different insurer, talk to your enrollment representative at your employer or school or wherever you purchased the insurance.

It's possible you have no benefits, but that would be very rare. If I can help with anything, let me know.

Tirzah

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/22/2011 6:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I am insured through my parents, but I recently moved across the country, so my insurance is from a totally different state.

Today was a really bad day, and it's not even over yet! I feel like a made a huge mistake even coming here in the first place. I should have just stayed at home with my parents while I figured out how to get better instead of running away from my problems and thinking that living 2,800 miles away would solve them. I'm alone more here which is really bad.

The reason I say I think I'm crazy is because lately (as in, in the last few weeks since I moved here), I've been doing things that I know are odd but I don't know how to stop. I hit myself, talk to myself (almost always negative things), and sit in my dark closet with the door shut. I need help, and I don't know where/how to find it. I don't have the energy to do this anymore.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 3/22/2011 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
you need the assistance of a doctor blue. keep strong, jamie.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/22/2011 7:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm afraid to call my parents or tell anyone how bad I feel. I don't even like complaining on here - I just don't know where to turn. Doctors (no fault of their own) have always been difficult to deal with no matter what. Billing, scheduling... it'll be months before I see anyone anyway. I think I need the hospital, but I don't want to put my family through that again.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 3/22/2011 8:46 PM (GMT -6)   
call the mental health team in your area. they can arrange for you to see a dr/psychiatrist fairly quickly. you need support. if you need hospitalisation then go. your family would rather know that your safe, yeah. maybe you can call a free-call crisis number in your area, check the ph book out. please keep safe blue, am worried about you. with compassion, jamie
 
keep us posted. we care.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2317
   Posted 3/22/2011 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Blue,
I truly am concerned about you. Please do talk to your parents about coming home to get treatment for a while.
I completely understand that feeling. I used to do exactly the same thing -- hide in the dark in the closet, or sometimes in the garage. It only got worse from there. The negative thoughts became compulsive & I couldn't stop thinking them 24/7 even when I really wanted to.
You don't have to go into all the details with your parents, but it would be good to let them know you need & want to get help and to do that you need to return to your home state for a while. Healing is much easier when we are surrounded by people who care about us & it really does sound like this is quickly becoming something that requires professional help.
Once you make that decision, know that there are ways around the waiting period. Getting a referral to a psychiatrist in your home state is the fastest. Call your PCP by your parent's house (or find one, if you never went to a regular doctor out there) and let them know that you went to the ER where you are now & they suggested seeing a psychiatrist ASAP. Ask for a referral -- sometimes the PCP will call for you. If not, call the psych & ask for an URGENT CARE appointment; again, let them know you got the referral from X doctor & that you were recently hospitalized for severe depression. Explain that they suggested ECT & let them know you want to talk about that and all other available options. Typically psychs will hold open a few appointments each week for non-life-threatening emergencies.

I'm sure all that seems overwhelming, but I really want to encourage you to start making calls tomorrow (or maybe even tonight if it's not too late). Depression gets harder & harder to treat as time goes by, so time is of the essence. Beyond that, I really am worried that you're not many steps away from being suicidal & I would hate to see you give into this. Depression can & does get better with treatment. Sometimes it can take a while, but I can tell you that I am much better than I used to be. I have bad days now & am feeling down for a few hours most days for a few weeks to a month -- before I was just deeply depressed pretty much 24/7/365 for a few years straight. Out of those 3-4 years, I maybe had a week's worth of days when I felt okay and no days where I felt great. I have a lot of days when I am actually happy now.

So ... it can be done; you deserve to be happy and healthy and full of life again. It just takes getting help from the right person/place, taking good advice and slowly turning your thoughts around. I won't say it's easy b/c it's not, but it really does get better. Go home. Be with your family who you miss. Get help. Find joy again. And know that we are here to support you through your journey. We have walked it ourselves & we continue to walk it every day. I am beyond grateful for the kindness & wisdom I have found here at HW & am blessed when I have a chance to pass a little of it on to others. We are all pulling for you. :)

blessings,
Tirzah

BlueMoon878
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 3/24/2011 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't get help here. Not easily at least. I feel like I made a horrible decision in moving 2,800 miles away, but there's no way to undo it. I can't face my parents. I can't go home; I just made such a big deal about moving here. I sort-of have an apartment, I've started looking for jobs, but whatever way I work it out I feel like I let people down. I want to move home more than anything, but there's no way to know if that's the right decision or if I'm just homesick. I feel terrible. Sorry for complaining. I'll shut up now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 3/24/2011 9:29 PM (GMT -6)   
You most certainly don't have to shut up. You don't know whether to get on with your life there or go home because of feeling that somebody is going to say "I told you so" or you are going to feel like you failed. Maybe you just changed your mind in what you want. Don't worry about pleasing everyone. Do this for yourself.

I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

davecholly
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 3/25/2011 3:10 AM (GMT -6)   
My youngest daughter recently moved from the suburbs into an apartment in Chicago. I didn't want her to move, and I told her so. We discussed it, of course, and she had many reasons why it was the right thing for her to do. If she called tomorrow and said, "Dad, I've changed my mind, I want to come back" I wouldn't even remotely think anything negative about her. On the contrary, I would be delighted at the decision.

The fact that you thought you were certain that your move was the best for you makes no difference at all, not to anyone looking at it objectively, nor I'm sure to your parents.

You will have to deal with your lease, if you signed one. But, your landlord is under an affirmative obligation to try to re-rent the apartment. You will only be financially responsible for the months that it sits empty. Even assuming the worst case scenario, the rent money you would be on the hook for is only that -- money. Money is trite; your well being isn't.
Dave, two daughters: Echo and Holly. Hence the screen name -- DavEcHolly
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