I've lost so much of myself...no clue on how to pick up the pieces

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BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 12:30 AM (GMT -6)   
I've always had issues with depression. I'm manic depressive. But in the past 3 almost 4 yrs it's gotten so much worse. Partially from postpartum, I have 3 children all under 5 yrs of age and one of them is only 3 wks old. The other part is from my husband and dealing with his lies and cheating and stealing from my family. It'd be easier to deal with if it was just one of these things and only one time. But he lied about everything from his age, profession, rank in military, having other children outside our marriage, etc. Not only that but he's cheated dozens of times, since before we ever got married up to last yr. We've been married for 3 yrs, together almost 4 yrs. Each time he claimed he was sorry and would never do it again. It got so bad that I began having thoughts of suicide. If it weren't for my kids I would have done it. They're the only ones I care about at this point. Once again, he claims he's changing and I will admit that I do see positive change and I want it to work. But my heart just can't take anymore. I love him but can't bring myself to feel much for him. I don't look at him the same, don't even kiss him when we do see each other (we're separated in 2 dif states). I can't make eye contact with him and all I wana do is cry. Now that we're separated it's just me and my kids I do everything on my own and its so stressful and I find myself even more angery with him then ever. I blame him for everything, I regret loving him so much and question why I can't stop loving him even after he has single handly ruined my entire life. I feel like nothing, nothing but a mother and wife and I need more. Once I was a poet, an author, singer, dancer, artist.....now I'm nothing. Divorce costs too much and he would never let me anyway.  

BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 12:35 AM (GMT -6)   
we talk everyday, texting, and I act like I'm fine. Every now and then I breakdown but he doesnt seem to understand that I can't let it go. I cant move on from all that he's done and I cant love him as much as I used to nor will I ever trust him again. Not because I can't, I don't want to. I feel that he's still cheating but to be honest, I don't care anymore.

Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/20/2011 6:45 AM (GMT -6)   
B3,

Wow honey, re-read your post. Your depression has been bad last 3- 4 years and you have been with your husband 3-4 years? Being a wife and mother are not easy jobs even when things are going smoothly, so of course you are bent out of shape. All the things you used to be, you still are, probably at this point in your life do not have the time or resources to pursue the things you love to do, they will come back to you. You want to divorce your husband, you do not need his or anyone else's permission. If you know that is the right thing than start researching your support options in the meantime and really give it some thought before you jump. You may be better off without him but only you know that. It is really hard to love someone you cannot trust, we all make mistakes, but if he is doing the same bad things over and over, he is not learning from these mistakes or he just doesn't care. You are worthy of a loving relationship, I really do know how hard matters of the heart are when children are involved and you know your head/emotions/heart are in a state of confusion. Sometimes when things are bugging me and I cannot come up with a workable solution, I just completely stop thinking about it, try hard to forget it and most times the right answer just comes out of nowhere.

Sweetie, trust yourself. Trust yourself to know what is right for you and your kids. You mentioned you have a 3 week old, please call your Dr. immediately, postpartum depression is nothing to fool around with. I am hoping that once your hormones settle down you will start to feel better but please do not wait too long before you get some help.

Here for you,
Gem

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/20/2011 8:30 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi, BipolarMe3,

Your description of your husband's personality sounds very much like
that of the psychopath (or sociopath). Please go online to the Hare
Checklist for Psychopathy and read more about that personality and
what it is like and can do. Unfortunately, there is no cure for that
disorder, and the individual doesn't benefit from psychotherapy.

If I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider talking to a
psychiatrist about your living situation and determine whether it is worth your continued effort to support and sustain a marriage in which your partner will never change his behavior. They never do, you know,
and they will take advantage of every opportunity to satisfy themselves at the expense of anyone or anything around them. Their lifestyle is parasitic.

Those are two very discouraging paragraphs, I realize, but it's best to face the truth as you are doing than to simmer in an unhappy marriage.

Those who tell you that it's your decision are exactly right. You owe it to yourself and your children to learn if this man is really capable of being a truthful and faithful person. Your and the childrens' well-being should come first from now on, in my view.

Your being happy is so important for the children, as well.

Please get to the bottom of your situation with help from professional
people who know all about your husband's difficulties. They may lead you into a wonderful new life for the children and you.

Take care; let us know what you decide to do and how things fare in the future.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 3/21/2011 10:52:04 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 3/20/2011 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you could get free legal help to proceed with a divorce if you want to. He would have to pay child support to you and alimony. You deserve these things to help you financially. I can tell you still love him, but sweetie, you don't deserve to be lied to constantly and cheated on. But this is all up to you. We are here to support whatever decision you make.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 2:52 PM (GMT -6)   
He always said divorce is not an option. I know I've said it to because I really don't believe in divorce. My parents got divorced and it really messed me up as a child. I did look up the checklist for psychopathy and, It's Genetic, you were right. He has ALL of the sure signs...and so does my mother which explains why my relationship is so similar with them and why they can't stand each other. My mom did these very same things to my Dad that my husband has done to me. And they both somehow make themselves out to be the victims. In the beginning I tried to leave him plenty of times and he always had this "if I can't have you, no1 can" mentality. He was very abusive in everyway to many of his exs which I didn't find out until after we were married. He then put his hands on me. Punched me right in my face after trying to choke the life out of me. I tried to defend myself and just kept slapping him in the face so he punched me and then let me go. The look in his eyes was so cold. I didn't even realize I was bleeding. I wasn't in pain i was in shock that the man who vowed to protect me and love me just hit me. Not only that but he didn't care, he said those very words when I told him I was bleeding, " I DON'T GIVE A ****!" So, seeing as how he didn't care that he hit me, I didn't care if he spent a few nights behind bars. To this day he still says that I was the one that was wrong because there was no need for police and I blew it out of porportion and made it bigger than what it was. But he started the whole thing and yes, I'm not perfect. I'm a fighter when I know I'm being threatened I wont back down unless my children are around or I'm pregnant (he's attacked me b4 while pregnant in every pregnancy). He seems different now but then again we aren't in the same state so it's easy to appear to be better from a distance. He can't physically hurt me when he's 100s of miles away. And it wont hurt when he cheats cuz I don't care anymore. He sees that change in me. He knows he messed up 100s of times. I don't know, I just don't know anything anymore other than I want to be happy and I want my children happy. I'm always angry now and always crying. I'm distant from my children cause i don't want them to see me like this. They know i'm hurting. My oldest sneaks in the room when i'm crying just to hold me and tell me it's ok. She doesn't talk much so it's amazing to me when she pats me on my back and tells me I'm a good Mom. My kids keep me as happy as I can be right now

BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 2:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I apologize for putting my problems on all of you. Truth is, I have no one to talk to. I don't even have the money to get the help I need so this seems to be my only outlet right now. Thank u

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/20/2011 3:00 PM (GMT -6)   
You truly have my sympathy, BipolarMe3,

Your children are suffering now with you. I hope so that you will
take your courage to a medical specialist and see that you can free
yourself and your children from the current environment. Your
psychiatrist may be able to stabilize your emotions so well that you
feel you must change your life for the sake not only of yourself but
for your children, as well.

Getting By is right. There is legal help for you. More than once in
my opinion you have been in a position to have him incarcerated. No
man in his right mind hits a pregnant woman. That's grounds for the
"slammer", no questions asked.

Take very good care of yourself and seek help, please.
 
You keep posting when you need an outlet.  In the meantime, I would
like to suggest that you look up some sites online that help victims of a psychopath to know how to be willing to get out or make the changes necessary to recover from exposure to a psychopath.  Frankly, these people are tyrants and need to be brought back into control by trained medical personnel who might have a modicum of influence in their behavior, although I suspect that prison is the only thing that will
ultimately deter this personality type from destructiveness.  You are
suffering from a post-traumatic stress syndrome, and it won't go away until some changes are made, in my view; but I'm not a doctor and you need professional help to recover from the stress, I think.
 
I'm going to say a prayer for you.  Keep us aware of how you are
working on recovery.  It's one step at a time, as they say here.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 3/20/2011 3:15:53 PM (GMT-6)


BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you and I want help but don't know how to go about it with no money. He kicked me and my children out in November after a huge argument. With that, I left the state where he couldn't find me until he calmed down. I had to apply for help from the state which I'm still recieving but the help that I need I don't think they cover. I haven't worked since he and I became serious. We met in the military and I left so we could have a family. Right now all they have me on is Zoloft and for some reason my panic attacks seem worse, I'm having more chest pains and even when my youngest is sound asleep I still can't sleep til around 7 or 8 am. I have migraines, I'm not eating, body pains, my hands and feet go numb often, I'm losing hair, etc. I can't even breastfeed my child. I keep having disturbing dreams and lack of sleep has me seeing things. Nothing serious, just shadows that aren't there my mind will play tricks on me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42283
   Posted 3/20/2011 4:36 PM (GMT -6)   
As I said before, there are resources. You can get free legal help to get a divorce, then you can get child support and alimony. The thing that hurts in a divorce is the seperation of parents. That has already happened. You can get counseling that is free through the state. Like Genetic said, go online and look things up. Learn from the internet. You need to be free of the fear that this man has caused you. You never deserved to be treated the way that you were. You were right to call the police when you did. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. No one person has that right. I can't post anymore, I have to go. Just know that we are here for you and will help you as much as we can. Just have to do some research.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 3/20/2011 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Go to the police and get a restraining order. You do not have to live your life being physically abused. No one does or should. Do what ever it takes to get well and safe. I will keep you in my prayers. Nothing worth having is easy, you have alot of work ahead of you and I just bet you are stronger than you ever imagined.

Gem

BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/20/2011 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank u all for ur help and God bless u all.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/21/2011 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Look up social services in your telephone book under state or government branches. Both might be helpful. Those folks may be able to get you started on a program of beneficial improvement.

I.G.

BipolarMe3
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2011
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 3/25/2011 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I thank you all so very much. I'm now getting the help that I need and I can say that I'm seeing some improvement. I'm seeking counseling as well as meds to balance me out. My husband has come to his senses and realized his mistakes and his loss (me and our children) he is no longer threatening me and hasn't since Christmas or New Year's.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/25/2011 5:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm so glad you've taken the steps to seek the proper help you are
getting now and I feel sure that it will lead you to a real sense of
security within yourself, and you'll learn much about what the future
will hold for you and the children in positive relationships with healthy people, BipolarMe3.

Good luck, and come back to post whenever you wish. Folks are always glad to help here if they can.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 3/25/2011 10:10 PM (GMT -6)   
wishing you all best as well. jamie. keep strong.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

MMMNAVY
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 6927
   Posted 3/26/2011 6:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Ok, while I hope that everything is ok and that you do not need this.  I realize that your relationship might be going thru a honeymoon phase, and I want to let you know there are  resources out there for you.  Contact your local Post FAC (family advocacy center) for assistance, there will be domestic violence survivor advocates (either there or within the community).  Because domestic violence in the military is a particular problem given the issues of PTSD, there are special protections for spouses, especially legal assistance and emergency financial assistance.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
 

Post Edited (MMMNAVY) : 3/26/2011 10:04:59 AM (GMT-6)

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