i think i'm falling into depression but i ain't sure .
i just went for an abortion few days back and i'm feeling terrible about
it. I'm seeing a guy who has more only financial support if i would had wanted to keep the baby. i did wanted to keep but i do not have the ability and he was not willing to shoulder anything.
now after everything he throw me a question asking me what do i see out of our relationship. i'm stunned from the question as i have been thinking so much about
everything. he say he loves me and will not break of with me. i know that somehow this relationship isn't right and i don't want to give it up.
my bf is older than me by 20+ years so he has commitment to his family. his wife passed aways a few years ago. he someone who take very good care of his own family. his kids are his priority.as he was coping with his wife departure did a mistake and eventually had a baby girl with a woman who he said he does not feel for. he said it was a night that when wrong. and the other party wanted out of her own marriage not wanting to grow old with her husband than choice to keep the baby and gave birth hoping to have him take the responsibility. i don't know about
his own feeling much about
his wife departure as he never want to speak about
it. thou i think he is strong but i guess man has feeling too and he probably had a hard time handling it. he kids are growing up in their teens but as a father he make sure his kid excellence in everything that they do which give him lots of pressure. he and that woman is not married and they are solely contacting because of they daughter. from what i know he said there isn't love at all. to make the whole thing more complicated before i was with him he was dating another woman who is married. we dated about
3 month before he told me about
his past. but from day 1 he told me about
the married woman that his dating and he want to get out of it. he was asking me if i was willing to jump into the deep end to go thru what he was facing. knowing. but as time goes by i started to feel for him. started to want more of him. so we started together and each moment with him i was really happy. actually he was a rebound for me from the last relationship that i failed badly. and now i think is retribution. i took me quite a while to get into him. but when i'm into him is too late for me to pull out. when i told him that i was pregnant he was shock and i knew that the baby will never be around. he will not be able to fulfill the requirements. so from the day i knew i was pregnant i decided not to keep although he say he will support any decision that i make. but he never said a single thing at all. all these well although i said i wanted to abort deep down i was hoping that he would had said something different to give me the strength to keep the baby. I did wanted the baby.but it will be harming the kid. because he will not have a complete family. i'm not talking about
laws wise but a family that has a father. which he can't offer at all. another thing was i was worried that i will up end like the other woman who bore the kid. when the woman told him that she was pregnant his reaction was the same. decide anything i will stand by and support. but in the end he got into such messed. he asked if i could gave birth to it and give it up for adoption but i knew i could never. if i was financially strong i would have keep it myself and create a lie for the baby to grow up with. but if i have to deepen on him i will be in a even worst stage. i don't know if anyone can understand what i mean.
during the time even though he said he will be here supporting he action done is so minimal which i can't expect more of him and it should have given me the strength to walk off him but i can't. my friend said this he should be around you most of the time if he said he will had supported you all the way. from the say the decision been make to till day i was fighting to make a decision and till this date he hasn't really stand by me. my tears has been flowing for the last 1 month. my eyes are starting to hurts and swell up the next day when i'm up. i don't even feel like turning up for work now. i'm confused by him. on the day when the op was schedule he started to break down and ask me to reconsider my option but is to give for adoption i told him i can't so he left me to walk in the clinic alone. the first time i when into the clinic he just stood outside not willing to come in but than again is not as if we decided to have the kid right?before the operation the doc took another scan before putting the pill in during the whole process i wanted to stop everything.just by seeing the thing in womb make me feel a biggest sinner ever. i took away a right of living. i even feel apologetic to my bf. when i was waiting for my turn i was hoping that he would have called but he did not and he just did not what to do. i was put on anesthetic not the full typer was semi. i remember feeling the thing in my body and
opening my eyes and seeing the doctor and i after that i was bought out of the room and laying in the bed to rest. the feeling totally cripple me. and when i had to rest my mind was still awake checking my phone if he called if he was on the way to picked me up. i was even worried that he will not turn up but luckily he did. after that it took him a while to get his composure back as he was crying in front of me. i can't bare my feeling to him. my pain to him and my thought to him.in the end we when the plant nursery to see the plants and let him get of his mind over it. thou i was in pain and needed rest i just accompany him till he send me home in the evening when he has to go to his kids. the whole evening not a single call or sms from him which make me feel disappointed.
we have so little time together that the only time we talk is when he on the road driving which make an average of 15 mins the max when we talk on the phone and today he asked my something he asked me what do i see in our relationship. he said he will not be able to have a family with me. it trigger me because i am worried that he was going to break with me which he say he is not. we did not manage to discuss the topic and what answer i got was that i'm looking for someone to grow old with me. i'm tired of having relationship and breaking up and starting all a fresh. i have too many things on my mind which struggling me. yesterday i even felt so guilty have insisting my decision on aborting the baby but after what he says i did not feel as bad as i felt yesterday. i can't sleep the only time i will want to sleep is when my eyes become very tired. i'm confused on the relationship and is ending the only solution way out. no matter how my friends tell me he not a good guy i still see him that someone that make efforts and appreciate. i don't know if i'm just getting happy with the minimal or should i expect the all which will even let me feel more disappointed.
i'm tired of crying every day. i'm such a failure i let feeling control me.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/22/2011 3:44:56 PM (GMT-6)