Posted 3/4/2005 2:30 PM (GMT -6)
Hi bluejay. I know how hard it is to stay away from someone you still have feelings for. This has happened to way too many times. It sounds like your making the right decision. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and once a cheater, always a cheater. Going back to him could just be setting yourself up for more dissapointment. You deserve better. It sounds like you need a fresh start. There are good guys left out there who would never cheat on you. And don't worry about being 34 and single. Sooooooo many people are waiting to have kids until their in the late thirties or early forties now. You still have a lot of time for that. My boyfriend is almost 40 and has never been married and hasn't had kids yet. He's not worried at all about his age. When your ready for it, have you ever thought about online dating? It's kind of fun to have a couple girlfriends over and read the guys profiles-even if you don't want to meet anyone that way. Some of them are pretty entertaining. And seeing how many people check out your profile is kind of a confidence booster:)
Posted 3/5/2005 12:50 PM (GMT -6)
Hey Blue and Gretchen...

Once a cheater, always a cheater may not always be true. Love and forgiveness is a huge part of life. We all make choices, some good and some bad...And yes, unfortunately some make really BAD mistakes. Doesn't mean that they are a bad person, just means they were not thinking and put their own needs first before their spouse. It's wrong, but is forgivable with lots of love, support, trust, honesty and marriage councilling.
She does deserve better, but until she is in a better thinking place, no harsh decisions to actually END it all should take place.

Some marriages do work out and go on to be even better...Some ofcourse, don't and end up in divorce.

Blue, I hope you're hanging in and doing OK. Post back soon.


Posted 3/5/2005 3:33 PM (GMT -6)
     Hi Red, 
     Thanks for your concern; it's nice to have this outlet to express my feelings.  The therapist & I have been focusing on the relationship issues more than on me alone.  Mostly he's been hearing me vent & trying to help me to understand that my husband has his own issues to work through that had nothing to do with me.  We have not been doing CBT. 
     The thing that makes me sad is that the dr. thinks my husband was subconsciously avoiding moving to the next level in our relationship (we'd been looking at houses & talking about having a baby just before he pursued this other woman) because he has issues with intimacy & communication.  I find that very sad.  It makes me feel resentful because I'd been with him for 5 years before I married him & thought I knew him.  We'd only been married for a year & 1/2 when things went wrong.  Even though I love him still, I feel like it's a big red flag.  What if down the line, I had kids with him & he did this to me again?  He was very good at leading a double life; he acted the same with me...sent me love notes from work, told me he loved me. The fact that I even found out is a miracle, but I am very detail-oriented & began to notice that he didn't look me in the eye when he said her name.  (They were in a play together & would have rehearsals so her name did come up.)  He is an actor, & what if in the future he did this again & was able to "act" in his own home like he did before?  It just scares me.  He told me he loved me & was in love with me while he was hanging out with this woman.  I just don't understand.  That's not what I consider love to be. 
Posted 3/5/2005 5:26 PM (GMT -6)
OK...I understand your situation more clearly now, and thanks for sharing more detail.

Look after you then and focus on you. He needs to change and do some real soul searching to fix himself...But if he isn't willing to do that or admit he has some fears of committing and intimacy issues, that's his fault unfortunately. Can't control what he does, thinks or says...

The actor bit freaked me. I would have trouble trusting him too, now knowing that is what is going on. Does this OW know he's married and with you? He's probably playing her as well and she's more than likely falling for him.

Can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

You're right, it's not what love is supposed to be. Keep your chin up and post soon.


Posted 3/5/2005 6:04 PM (GMT -6)
I have been battling depression on and off for over 15 years now. I have just come to realize that it is depression. It has affected my marriage in that my wife can not tell me for sure if she wants to stay married. It hurts so bad, she tells me she loves me but she can not affirmatively answer if she wants to remain married. We start counseling together this week. I started my own counseling over a month ago, it felt so good to be able to let all my thoughts out and my feelings, to have someone to listen to everything I have locked away inside me. Go talk to someone, it helps.
Posted 3/6/2005 3:07 AM (GMT -6)
Hi Blue Jay,
Welcome!  I'm new here myself, and I've found it to be a very warm and safe environment.  Hope you stay.
I very much empathize with your morning feelings.  Everyone says "sleep it off and it'll all be gone in the morning," but we know that's not always the case.  What I started to do for myself when this happens is to surround myself with comforting things that promote positive energy.  I put little post-it notes with uplifting quotes or funny jokes, or snapshots of friends and family that make me feel good about myself on the fridge, or the bathroom cabinet.  Anywhere I would look while I'm getting ready for the day.  I also like to keep my favorite film in the VCR for the mornings I just can't get out of bed.  All of this is highly un-scientific and really doesn't solve much of anything, but it can re-route your thoughts and start to make you feel better.  I'm learning not to underestimate the healing powers of a smile.
That's my silly little quirk or advice.  Maybe it'll help, maybe it won't.  Just know that it will get better and it will get easier.  God won't create obstacles you can't overcome.  Sometimes it just takes a longer, harder road to get there.  :-)

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