Thanks guys, I am definetly trying to do the right thing. It is just so unbearable when I feel so completely lost/confused/out of control. That's how I feel practically all the time, it seems as if I NEVER enjoy anything I'm doing anymore. It's getting so frustrating. In the middle of my complete breakdown yesterday (had a really rough day with thinking that I was going insane) I decided to look up the early signs of schizophrenia. I realized from the site that I found that I absolutely have all of these darn symptoms.
Social Withdrawal, Hostility or Suspiciousness, Deterioration of personal hygiene (not so much here), Expressionless gaze, Inability to cry or express joy, Inappropriate laughter or crying, Depression, Oversleeping or insomnia, Odd or irrational statements, Forgetful;unable to concentrate (MAJOR), Extreme reaction to criticism, Strange use of words or way of speaking.
I guess some of these I just think I'm doing, like for example at my job I had a customer come in and ask about how she can wire her son/daughter money in college. Then she was complaining about why she has to do that, and I gave her her options and then last thing I said was...."And there's one more option, they can always just get a job". I didn't even realize how sarcastic and stupid that was to say until after it flew out of my mouth, thank god she took it well though.....but I felt like a complete idiot afterwards. But it's very hard for me to follow conversations and to show interest in other people lately, I try, I really do. But it just always comes back to me....so annoying.
As you all know, this has been my underlying problem the whole time ever since I've been dealing with my major depression/anxiety problems. I can list all the reasons of things that happened to me when i was younger, a couple years ago, even now. The bottom line is though is that the physical feelings I feel, the inability to focus, and the strange dreamlike feelings, make me believe that I'm schizophrenic. I know everyone has told me that anxiety causes these feelings, but it's just very hard for me to accept that. I feel too strange and too different from my past "normal" self. Messed up part is too is that when I do have a few moments of normalcy, I can't keep the good streak going because then I start worrying about the good streak and wind right back up in the Panic Attack/Depression cycle.
I took a step hopefully in the right direction just now, I scheduled appointment for yet again ANOTHER therapist. This wll be the 5th one I will have seen since my first diagnosis. I don't even know if it's a good or a bad thing that I keep switching honestly, everyone says you have to trust the doctor tha tyou're seeing. I trust these doctors, I just don't see any results from them and I get worried that I'm crazy and they don't believe me.