Sometimes, just sometimes, I am happy- like I am fine, almost normal really, almost too happy. But then soon after I'll go straight to a low- it's not even like a small low, like feeling just a bit unhappy. It's like really low, half the time I feel like giving up on all my exams and just curling up into a ball, other times I find myself nearly crying and getting really annoyed for no reason what so ever- even the smallest thing gets me feeling low nowadays.
Last year wasn't a good one for me at all, there was incidents with depression and then I was hospitalised and then I was bullied. This year hasn't been any better for me, in fact, it's going down the exact same road as last year.
I can't speak to anyone because they won't understand. My friends will think I'm attention seeking, my boyfriend will get annoyed any time I mention it so I don't want to risk losing him again, me and my mum don't get on well enough to talk about it, and I no longer see my dad. Today he messaged me saying I wouldn't see him again, since then I've not been feeling happy.
Me and my mum don't get on at all. I often get into physical and abusive fights with her and her partner, and my younger brother and sister have now joined in with them. I've been to school with bruises on my face before because of them and I get really hurt. I don't know if I can take anymore of the spiteful comments off her- it really brings me down.
I know there's something wrong- it's not normal for me to feel like this. I used to be normal I guess, but now I sometimes find it even a struggle to get out of bed in the mornings. I find that I get panicy if I get anything wrong or I am late for something- and I get stressed too easily. I am never fully happy, I am often on edge just waiting for yet another bad thing to happen.
I'm too scared to speak to anyone proffessional incase they laugh at me and tell me I'm stupid- but now I'm feeling really, really low and I don't even know what to do, like I said before, I can't speak to anyone without them pushing me away.
To be honest, I'm feeling really low and alone and not knowing what to do. Basically, I'm scared and don't trust myself.
Post Edited (HWU) : 3/23/2011 3:27:50 PM (GMT-6)