I think I have my own pharmacy happening here. Been on meds and been told I am on max dose for many of them. I see a psychiatrist and a counsellor.
My biggest grip with my family and friends is when they say they know how I feel. NOT. They don't begin to understand. My family continues to tell me to just move on and look forward.
I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and in the last year seperated with my estranged husband after 20 years. The relationship was plagued with emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I still cannot believe I stayed that long. Mostly in order to maintain an intact family for my children.
It was only after discovering I was bleeding internally that the Dr told me I had a bad ulcer in my stomach that was bleeding. While sedated for a sugical procedure, I was carrying on and told her what I had been facing in my marriage. The next day she was back at the hospital to see me and told me some of what I had said and her advise was to get out. If didn't get out she felt I would either bleed to death or be at teh abusive hands of my husband.
Here I am today...a single mom with two teenagers. My eldest had threaten to hit me and I found out he had been smacking my younger daughter around. Needless to say, he no long lives with us but with his Dad. It breaks my heart, mostly because I had a part in his current anger issues and loss of control. I should have left long ago and he may have not seen violence as an option. I love him like crazy but I must protect my daughter. His father has been filling head with all sorts of crap and he no longer speaks with me.
In addition to the abuse, he also had an affair for which a baby was born of. he has nothing to do with Mom but actively pursued his parental rights in court. my kids are so embarrassed, especially my daughter.
I can not imagine anyone saying the know how I feel. So when I hear this from so many people in my life, I just want to scream my lungs out. Of course, I need to keep my wits about
me or everyone jumps on the concerns and follow me around like puppies. i feel smothered and overwhelmed.
It has been only recently that I have been able to go out on my own. I went to walmart today thinking it wouldn't be too busy and picked up a few things. I was nervous but felt as though I was looking down at myself as if I was outside of my body. i was very hypervigilant looking around.
I know what it is like to be asked what is wrong...better yet, are you ok?
Thank you for your response and the ability to chat with someone other than my overbearing family and friends.
I am sorry, but I had to edit your post, as we are not allowed to discuss suicide here. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I am glad that you have a pdoc and a therapist, they do help so much.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/28/2011 4:01:55 PM (GMT-6)