Alright well I just got back from the appointment, and after that, an absolute test of my self restraint and anger management.
The appointment went pretty well, I actually like this guy. He did one thing that impressed me and definetly helped me out BIG TIME. I was reading up on all the stupid schizo symptoms and convincing myself that I must indeed be truly ****ed up. I printed out the list of symptoms that I told him I had, and he told me that they were all related to dealing with major anxiety issues. He asked me what was the one reason, more then any other, that made me feel like I was schizo and I told him it was the depersonalization. The fact that I feel totally out of my body and like I'm floating, like nothing is real. He then grabbed a book from the shelf and flipped right to the page about depersonalization and read it to me. I can't remember it word for word, but it basically said that depersonalization is 100% a side effect of anxiety disorder, which is caused by a very high amount of stress/anger/frustration. It also said people who suffer from depersonalization often feel like "they must be going crazy" to feel like this, these people will NEVER go crazy. Although I do believe this for now, and it was very comforting to read from a book in a psychologists office, when I get those feelings its hard NOT to feel that way.
One thing he did mention is that he thinks it might be best for me to try out medicines again, I expressed my problem with them and how I do not really want to be on any sort of constant meds. He said we'll discuss the options when I see him next week and maybe just take an ativan/xanax as needed when I'm really having a rough time.
Then.....the test of my anger/patience
I was driving home from the apponitment and my parents called on my phone, I had it sitting in the cupholder. I reach down and grab it to see who it is, I look up and hte car in front of me stopped short. I brake but it's too late and I hit the woman in front of me's car. She was fine and we called for the cops to exchange information and then her husband came down to the scene to. Here come's superman to the rescue, trying to take over the whole scene and made a very bad move in trying to be sarcastic/insulting to me after all I was to his wife during the whole process was respectful. The first comment he makes is about how my insurance is probably giong to cancel me after this "episode". Then he walks away and goes bakc to his wife, then walks back over to me and says I'm lucky the airbag didn't go off or that woulda cost me another couple of grand. Then he walks back to me again one last time and says "Eh what does it matter, daddy is probably going to pay for it anyway. I don't even have collission on this car"
That was all I could take. I told him to shut the **** up and that I'm gettin no help paying for this accident, and it's not my darn fault that your cheap ass didn't opt in for collision on your car. He gave me a shocked look and I just told him to get the hell out of my face, I've been so stressed out lately with my own problems, and then the guilt of feeling like an idiot for the accident, then trying to do the righ tthing, and having this arrogant piece of crap in my face insulting me....I could have snapped at him. I probably would have if the cop wasn't there.
That's the one thing that concerns me about all of this anxiety problems is my anger issues, they get pretty bad a ttimes. I never had such a temper like I have lately...the therapist said anxiety/anger go hand in hand. Hopefully when I go back next wednesday we can address that some more.
He also did say though that it might be in my best interest to try and stay away from these forums as much as possible, says I'm just surrounding myself by more anxiety/depression by seeing it all the time. Probably right about that, but it's just my current OCD that I can't seem to let go of. Going to give it a try though and cut it down to checking only once a day from now until next week and then maybe even further after.