Sexual thoughts bringing me down

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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 186
   Posted 3/29/2011 5:08 PM (GMT -6)   
yea-uhhh I guess this thread is more suitable for men but I've found the love of my life, my girlfriend who I plan on marrying and proposing soon and well I'm 21 so maybe it's normal but I keep having sexual thoughts of OTHER women, like today I woke up from a dream where I was having sex with a female friend of mine:( I know I love my girlfriend and I'm trying hard to be faithful and loyal to just her but it brings me down cause it seems like I'm just so sexually driven I can't hold myself back:( I'm scared I might cheat on her and even SHE's scared of that but like ***? I don't want to do such a thing

well is this normal? should I even be depressed about this? Also I guess I'll flat out say my girlfriend and I used to be veryy sexually active but we're getting into religion now so we have decided to abstain from sexual activity again till marriage, I dunno guys just bummed out bout this stuff danggit:(

edit: oh yea I forgot to mention, the whole religion thing is another thing that bums me out cause I feel like I just can't be clean and pure enough to be a good christian

Post Edited (3doorsdown) : 3/29/2011 5:03:28 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 373
   Posted 3/29/2011 6:55 PM (GMT -6)   
3doorsdown..think yu are perferctly normal!

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 186
   Posted 3/29/2011 7:33 PM (GMT -6)   
loll yea I kind of figured I'd get a response like that, but it still bums me out, I lack self control in my life and I just feel like such a filthy person for it

Deacon Blues
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Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 3/29/2011 8:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, you are on a journey for sure. The whole religious experience coupled with your sexual thoughts can be traumatic! Been there...I am plagued with sexual thoughts, and do wish I could move a little away from it. I am married 27 years and have mental sex with most women I see. I know i am a little extreme, but women just really grab my attention. I have MANY healthy relationships with women and people in general. For me, it is almost like OCD with the sexual thoughts, like I am under control or something. Anyway, don't beat yourself up, and maybe filter how much you share with your gal. Not to be deceptive, but to weigh what NEEDS to be told to her and what good would it do, if any? Just my $.02
Can I ask what Christian Denominational teaching you are sitting under? I used to study theology extensively and knowing your denom will give me alot of insight into what is being taught there. It's up to you, I am still interested in things like Theology. Take what I have offered, and dispose of what is not fitting to you. Good luck! -dB

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 186
   Posted 3/29/2011 8:25 PM (GMT -6)   
thats another thing that hurts me, I don't want to be a liar so sometimes I just fess up to it and we end up breaking up over it, then I tell her things will change and BELIEVE ME I try but ha wow I just get so driven it's hard to resist

my religion is really non-denominational my demon is just knowing that I love this girl but I still let myself lust for other women

but being honest here? I'm not a bad looking guy at all, lots of women try to get with me so coupled that with my drive and it's hazardous, plus I'm ashamed to admit I watch ****ography from time to time

Deacon, from a religious standpoint, what can I possibly do to be better at this? I pray but honestly while praying I already have it in my head that I'm gonna flirt with this girl or masterbate or something it's crazy

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 3/30/2011 6:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey 3doorsdown,
Dude, you've got to cut yourself a break.  You are 21...just a kid relatively speaking.  I know you said you are in love and want to marry your girlfriend, but believe me, at your age, that could change practically overnight for a myriad of reasons.  I think you really ought to put those plans on hold for a while, since you mentioned that when you have open and honest conversation with her about your true feelings, you often break up.  That's not a good sign for a mature, marriage ready relationship.
Then, add in the component of "organized religion", and it's no wonder you're making yourself nuts.  Organized religions thrive on their ability to inflict fear and guilt into their congregations.  Once you become sexually active, it's a pretty daunting, if not futile, task to revert to being celebate again...kind of like shutting the barn door once the horse has already gotten out.  Being curious about ****ography is also perfectly normal, and as long as it doesn't interfere in your regular activities or cause you to alter your life or relationships, there's no reason to freak out about indulging in the occasional viewing.  Just remember that what you see is SIMULATED SEX, the people are ACTORS, and they are getting PAID MONEY to make things look unbelievably fabulous. 
Now, if you look at how you phrased your explanation, you talked about "getting into religion", which has absolutely nothing to do with exploring your faith or a belief in GOD.  This just screams of human men, not men of God, thumping their bibles and preaching fire and brimstone for all the unclean sinners, including those who engage in pre-marital sex.  Again, control via fear and guilt.  The worse these men can make you feel about yourself, the more important and powerful they become.  There is nothing worse than a man that boosts himself up by falsely placing himself on a pedestal in the name of GOD.
At your age, you have so much life ahead of are still finding out who you are as a person, and it's a tough endeavor, especially with all those naturally raging hormones.  The thing you have to keep in mind is that you are not experiencing anything abnormal, but you really need to cut yourself some slack.  GOD is not vindictive, and there is no shame in experiencing sexual feelings that are part of the mind and body that he created for man in his own image.  If you're not being sexually active because you are emotionally not ready, that's one thing, but I think you need to re-evaluate just why you are reverting to this reclaimed "virginity". You really need to ask yourself why are you putting yourself through this?  Is it what your girlfriend wants?  Is it parental expectations?  Frankly, I don't think you would be nearly as conflicted as you are if it was truly the right path for you to be following. 
I'm not saying that you need to be running amok, sowing your wild oats at every opportunity, but maybe you could pursue some SECULAR counseling, that could give you a little of the fear and guilt factor.
Best of luck to you, and please let us know how you are doing.
Leigh Ann
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free


getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 3/30/2011 7:09 AM (GMT -6)   
One thing that we can't post about on here is religion. So let's try not to get too in depth with this topic. One thing for sure, religion and mental illness can conflict. So be careful.

I agree with the above posts. And I think counseling would help you a lot. Get things straight. Know what is good for your mental health and what is not. Religion might not be the way to go at this point. I have nothing against it, it can just be confusing when we have too many questions. Get yourself straight first and go from there.

I hope that you continue to join us. This is a wonderful forum

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Deacon Blues
Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 3/30/2011 1:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Many good points to feed on here 3doorsdown!! I can PM you if you want some religious opinions. But something that CRANKY pointed out is SECULAR counseling. I used to reject SECULAR counseling of any sort. I am now in the medical field, science major (how Ironic?) and believe that there are issues that we can be counseled on in the secular realm and should be counseled on. Alot goes into who we are (nature vs nurture) and who we become. We dare not reckon our self worth on one days events. Life is a process...

Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2010
Total Posts : 186
   Posted 3/30/2011 6:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Everything you said Cranky is exactly what one part of my conscious is telling me, believe me there's just conflict in my head cause I hear what you said and I hear what others says

Ultimately I think your right haha, there is no need to stress over this, well at least I'm gonna try not to because it's just so conflicting the opinions I recieve I don't know what to believe

all I know is, hey I love her and she wants to want to be married to have sex? well alright I'll just marry her sooner

I'm sure I love her though, I've never cared about a girl like I do her, and whenever I see her smile I get weak in the knees and that tingly stomach feeling and stuff, all that classic romantic movie crap loll I got to do whats right but I shouldn't be too hard on myself for being attracted to other women

I think the real problem is, unfortunately, he tries to make me feel guilty for it and sometimes says stuff like "God is watching you while you do these things" and I'm left feeling guility, but I'm comfronting her as we speak and realizing we need a better sense of understanding on this subject to progress as a couple

and if not, then well there's other fish in the sea, but I hope it works out cause I love this girl

thanks guys

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 4/1/2011 7:54 AM (GMT -6)   
You should never feel guilty for having certain thought patterns, it human nature and these thoughts are generally impulive and really arn't under your control. The only thing you have to deal with is what you do with these thoughts. Not to get religous on this but, IMO "god" isn't worried about whats going on in your head, but how you live your life and how you interact with your loved ones/everyone else. You can have negative thoughts and still be a great person.

I think you need to take a long hard look at your belief system. I know you love this girl and are willing to do anything for her, but are you sure that you share a similar belief system? It sorta sounds like she has really embrased it but you are still a little on the fence. I could be very wrong, obviously because i only have a few posts on the internet to get to know you with, but i think you two need to sit down and have a chat.
Also i have to admit that i do a lot of the same things you are talking about here. I don't like having the thoughts but i don't put myself down because of them, i am married and i never act on any of the thoughts and never will. Its just human nature. Be true to yourself and don't beat yourself up over whats in your head, you aren't the person thats in your head, you are the results of your actions.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

with your past and your future precisely divided, Am I at that moment?. . I haven't decided.
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