Just one thing

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Deacon Blues
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Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 3/31/2011 5:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I start with a new counselor tomorrow, much needed. I get 8 visits under my employee assistance program. Anyway I have something to get off of my chest. I told my wife that I am going tomorrow morning to "see someone" for counseling. She immediately thinks that it has to do with her. She gets this sad look on her face and asks "are you OK?', "is it about me or something to do with me" she asks. And i don't know why but i just want to scream "H No everything's not ok!! Why do you think i am going there? Just to hang out with some counselor I don't even know!!" BUT thankfully I do not. And I simply reply "no it's not about you." But this really hits a nerve sometimes. I would probably respond with the same question that she asks... And I kinda think she wants me to talk to her about "how I am feeling or doing." Folks, DO I necessarily owe it to her to tell her ANYTHING? I feel that she could counsel me I wouldn't go to a counselor. And also I am a firm believer that as couples, spouses, whatever, sharing everything is not always the right thing to do.
I hate myself for the way i feel so "attacked or even violated" when she says this stuff, because i probably shouldn't feel this way. I don't know...discuss...

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 3/31/2011 6:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Your wife's a little bit insecure, Deacon Blues, and needs reassurance
that things are good in the marriage. Your trying to calm her fears is
admirable, but I wonder about feeling explosive inside about her persistence in asking you questions.

No, I don't think one should have to confide everything to a spouse.
You and she both would get sick of it; after all, all our thoughts are not owed to those we love. And it's often best to leave room for privacy; everyone needs that, for sure.

Consultaton with a specialist is the best way to go at this point, and you're doing that, so things look very stable to me.

Let us know how you fare and take it easy.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 3/31/2011 6:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes things are just about you and I am so happy that you are seeing a counselor. It looks like you are trying really hard. Just try not to get angry with your wife. I agree, I think she is a little insecure. Your counselor will also help you deal with this. Things are going to work out for you.

Keep trying. Know that we all are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Deacon Blues
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 3/31/2011 7:46 PM (GMT -6)   
It's Genetic said...
... feeling explosive inside about her persistence in asking you questions. It's Genetic


Thanks so much both/all of you. Just want to say that THIS statement (above) is very explanatory, this is a huge concern and point that makes me crazy, the fact that i feel the way I do when she inquires...:-( She is the sweetest person i know!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 4/1/2011 1:47 AM (GMT -6)   
nice. DB. things will work out well. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 4/1/2011 7:33 AM (GMT -6)   
A good marriage consist of three things:

1. Love
2. Trust and Respect (they go hand in hand)
3. Giving each other space to do your own thing

You are still an individual. Some people are that way, they think everything you are feeling has to do with them. You need to have an honest, calm discussion with her and maybe she will stop addressing you like that.

Good luck and glad you are going to counseling.

Gem

Deacon Blues
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 4/1/2011 10:04 AM (GMT -6)   
Well I just got back from the counselor. Here is my brief overview: We met, we went through a 15 page questionnaire. I told her about my symptoms and concerns. we identified that I meet the diagnostic criteria for ADD, and mild clinical depression. If this is mild depression then I cannot imagine how bad moderate or severe can be. But isn't it somewhat of a protection mechanism when faced with these questions when I answer in a more optimistic fashion instead of just of just throwing it out there. I wonder how many of us, or how long it takes to let our guard down and just dump it all out there for all to see? In this case the counselor...anyway.

Anyway, I admitted to drinking too much and too often. I admitted this to myself Monday and have not touched a drop since then. I LOVE being sober and being productive and having a clear mind. She asked me if I have ever considered AA, and I said yes, that I went very briefly several years ago also. When I stated that i already know what i have to do her facial expression was quite "telling." She had a look of "are you kidding me?" I have to admit that THAT seems somewhat of an aggressive method of counseling. My other therapist was more of the "therapeutic communication" style, she reserved judgment, or at least it felt that way. I guess this leaves me with deciding whether this style of counseling will work for me? She is also from the same community as me, 10,000 people, and that just seems a little close to home. I don't want to run into her in the community, this likely will prevent me from being brutally honest. And I really want to "dump" some junk on someone...LOL...you know what i mean.

After the interview she grabbed her DSM-IV and we looked at the criteria for ADD and clinical depression. This seemed very different for me. My Other counselor it seems was more interested in being therapeutic "it seems" as opposed to "let's see if we can diagnose you." I don't have a problem with that, and I do want to know where I "fit" into all of this diagnostically. I am not sure how I feel continuing on with her for reasons i have already laid out. I do believe that I want a female counselor, but I am not sure why. Maybe I think that I will open up more to a female instead of a male because us males aren't known for having these types of talks.

I do believe that the alcohol is a HUGE factor and I want to stay dry for awhile and see how it goes. Thing is, I am a musician and have to play at a big party at a local Hotel tonight. I think I can make it through without drinking, and I want to. I still have yet to see for sure whether the drinking comes before the depression OR whether it is the RESULT of depression. I understand clearly that it does complicate things ;-)

To sum up; I think her "style" of counseling may not fit me. I want to be honest and do not want to be coddled and patronized, but I also do not want to feel "guarded" anymore than I already do with dumping trash in front of someone. So just wanted to update and encourage you to respond to anything and everything as you see fit.
Thank you all for your "ear" and your help, this board is becoming pretty therapeutic to me these days! Good health and good day to all! -dB

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/1/2011 10:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Deacon,

Try to give her a chance. Atleast a few visits. Then if it isn't right for you, you will know for sure. This is different to you and sometimes, something different can seem scarey.

I do agree that female counselors can be more comfortable at times. But I have had a good male psychologist and I really liked him. He was quiet and calm. It made me feel safe.

Keep trying. I am sure that you can play good music sober, you might find it refreshing and get even more good at what you do. Keep posting. I am glad that the board is helping you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 4/1/2011 10:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Being sober is wonderful! If you are in a situation where other people are drinking, just chill and start watching people. They act so stupid when they are drunk, it is kind of entertaining. Alcohol abuse causes lots of problems for people, yet they refuse to stop. I hope once you have quit drinking for a while, you will start feeling better.

Gem

Deacon Blues
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 4/1/2011 1:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes tonight will be a test for sure. I play in a band and we were hired to play a Biker party a a local Hotel. Should be plenty of people to watch :-)

Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

Deacon Blues
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 312
   Posted 4/4/2011 7:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh...I think that the therapist said that I fit into the dysthymia dx, with ADD...
Anyway, the more i think about it I am not going to see her again. I have developed a defense mechanism toward her, I feel she was WAY TOO opinionated with her facial grimacing and such. I do a good job of beating myself up, I don't need any help with THAT. Maybe I will see if I can see someone else in the group...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 4/4/2011 7:33 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope that the next therapist will be a better fit. Keep trying.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 4/5/2011 4:29 AM (GMT -6)   
keep trying from me too. you are doin' well and on the right track. her facial movements may just be twitches, and or non-verbal cues. keep strong, jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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