I thought I would drop in and write a little. I'm just at a very low point tonight, don't a have anyone to talk to and yes, it's lonely. Some of you remember me from posts that I had here for a few months since last year. Well, if you've been looking for them I asked that they be removed. I felt that I could pick up pace and begin moving forward, well I have with a few emotional bumps along the way -but just today it's seems as if I'm having a relapse emotionally. At the moment I'm feeling low and depressed. Today my old home church buried a very dear person that was dear to me, such an example of a righteous person to me and many as they expressed their heart during the homegoing celebration for our dear friend. She was exemplary in every way, wonderful mom, with a devoted husband and fantastic kids. My heart broke just thinking of how I've been far less than that, with a broken 1st marriage and tetter-totering 2nd one. I was picturing my own funeral today and what I saw in the future was not what I desired, it was sad to me. I never wanted experience what I have with the relationships I've gone through, and as some of you can attest from my previous postings (if you remember), I've approached healing well with transparency. I'm still hurting somewhat, my thoughts of the less-than desired events I have gone through with relationships weighs heavy with me tonight. I'm feeling today that my parents are disheartened with how things have turned out for me, and I know they would have wished that things were different for me also, although they may not be expressing it. I'm trying to just go on, and I know this is just one evening out of the many that I've come through so far without looking back. I'm not at that church because I feel that people are displeased with me also, although I'm not sure. Yet it's troubling to me, but there's nothing I can do to change what I've gone through...so I understand the best I can do is just to hopefully make better days in front of me. This is such a trip for the mind, but believe me...I'm really trying to go on. It's hard.
I've been in counseling (still), with my spouse although we've been separated for several months now. She still doesn't seem to want to communicate on her own with me to say that she's concerned or wants to be together. So, I don't know. But when I begin to think about the things that I disliked and were regressive in the relationship, I get troubled because I don't want things to go back to "business as usual"...hoping she'll have a different frame of mind is what I'm looking for. I don't know that she will try to change, and as for the kids, I really don't know. The daughter, I don't know where her thoughts are and if she's really changed since the miscarriage. Hopefully she's at a different place in her life. All I wanted to do ...anyway. I won't go into that again, here.
I just felt like posting here tonight...I felt it would help to get things off of my mind. Maybe someone has something encouraging to say. I hope. I could use a really big hug, someone to hold and talk to tonight. I seem to have so few friends, wanting to make sure I have the right friends...yet it's hard to find good friends. I think I drove away a really sweet HW friend here a few months ago, and I'm sorry. I feel that I've hurt her too, I must confess to my HW friends here. If you're reading this friend (and you know who you are), I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you in any way, I just want to live the kind of life that is with right thinking and motives. Thanks for your encouragement during those many weeks and months, I needed that more than I felt I did.
I have not pursued any other relationship because I still honor the piece of relationship I still have by a string with my spouse although we are separated...besides so much of my life is being watched by many that know me here. It's hard, but I can't live my life for anyone but myself and God. Although that wasn't the message that I read today at our dear friends funeral. From the type of life that she lived and with all the many people she touched, it just told me that "people are watching you life" even when you think they are not. And yes, if any of us have any type of dignity, you do want genuine things t be said about you in your funeral, and the life you lived before people will all come to a head when the casket rolls you in before those who knew. Everyone wants something good to be said about them, but if you live an exemplary life, you have nothing to fear and no anticipation of embarrassing things being whispered or being said to further make people remember you in a negative way. When I saw my own life, I didn't see the good things that people would say. When I began to think of this I became depressed, although I tried to hold it in. I went shopping tonight, and as i was walking through the mall I saw so many people happy, with family, or friends it was lonely. I wanted to cry right in the mall as I walked, then I just wanted to stop a nice looking female and just ask her "would you mind talking to me?" But of course I knew that I couldn't. Anyway, I just wanted to spill my thoughts out here on HW.